Sunday, June 19, 2016

Cyber Vengeance (1997)

Will likes to play virtual reality games. He's one of those guys that calls the video company to complain about the authenticity of the weapons in the game he's playing.  In fact, he calls the company multiple times about different issues. So yeah, he's pretty annoying.

His girlfriend isn't too pleased with him either. He's not steadily employed at the moment, but is making some money doing testing of a virtual prison.  So between the hobby and testing, he spends most of his time in virtual worlds, much to the chagrin of his nagging girlfriend.  It's not clear which came first, - her nagging or Will's immersion in virtual reality.

When a hot woman appears all of a sudden and wants to have sex with Will, there is only one conclusion you can make.  Yup, it's virtual reality.  But that's not much comfort to his girlfriend, who catches him in the act. Awkward.  Will tries to  explain he's just testing out the program. But since his virtual get up looks like something out of a leather bar, she may want to be more concerned about which way he's swinging.

Will's work involves going into the virtual prison world and reporting any issues he finds with system.  But owner Mr. Crowley isn't happy about Will being so friendly with the prisoners.  He's warned to stop interacting with them.  But Will believes one of the men is innocent, so he just becomes more cautious in his interactions.

What Will doesn't realize is that Crowley is using the prison as a hunting grounds for rich men, in a lame-o Dangerous Game storyline. The rich pay handsomely and can request any historical time period and location.  Crowley then sends prisoners to this virtual location, and when the hunter follows at a specified later time, the game begins.

This is one of those cyber movies where you never know what's real, and what's virtual reality.  Will isn't a character that you're going to root for, and the storyline is one that's been done many times before, with the difference being the cyber aspect of it.

Worst comeback ever:

Will - You can suck my fuck you.

the embarrassing of virtual reality sex
may want to ease up on that hair gel - we can see your scalp
low rent Max Headroom, complete with stuttering
Will is ready for the leather bar

Saturday, June 11, 2016

Sting of Death (1965)

College student Karen brings some friends along when she goes to visit her dad, Dr. Richardson, who lives in the Everglades.  He's doing some sort of scientific experiments, assisted by the dreamy Dr. John Hoyt and an assistant named Egon.  As you can tell by the name, Egon is a creepy weirdo with a messed up face.

When the Sheriff finds a corpse in the water, he asks Doc Dad and dreamy John what they think killed the guy.  It looks like jellyfish stings, except the wounds are too big.  Egon chuckles to himself and says that Manowar can grow big enough to kill people. Oh Egon, you slow witted, scar faced, little creeper. You're incorrigible! What will you think of next?

The girls are having a little party and John invites his grad student friends.  But these college kids turn out to be total tools. At first sight of Egon and his creepy face, they chase him down and circle around him to maximize their taunting. You expect that crap from idiot junior high or high school kids, but not people old enough to be in grad school.

After humiliating Egon and chasing him off, the kids start throwing back the cokes and dancing to the latest records next to the fab inground pool.  They listen to that big hit Do the Jellyfish while they do the dance of the same name.  It looks nothing like a jellyfish - unless jellyfish peck at things like a bird, and move about stupidly. Do the Jellyfish was written by Neil Sedaka, which is mindboggling, but not as mind boggling as the lyrics that don't give you any clue as how two actually do the jellyfish.

Everything is happiness, sunshine and dancing. But something evil is lurking in the pool. No one shall ask how these kids don't notice a large black half man/half jellyfish creature walking over to get in the pool.  Soon two of the gang are lamely attacked by the creature... wearing a scuba suit with things hanging off it to resemble tentacles.  Actually they don't resemble tentacles at all, but that's what jellyfish have, so god damn it, that's what this movie is trying to sell.

From here on it's chaos: the kids try to escape; the jellyfish monster sinks their boat; baby jellyfish (that are obviously blown up plastic sandwich bags) float awkwardly in the water or sit on someones head; people we don't care about are killed; the scientists try to figure out what is going on; and eventually it all comes to a head in a cavern where our monster is confirmed as a man in a scuba suit with a plastic trash bag over his head.  Seriously, it's an inflated trash bag sitting on the guy's shoulders.

Well, this is a ridiculous, fun mess.  It's slow at times, but the song, the dancing, the trash bags representing killer jellyfish, and the strange black thing on Dad's head are all so silly that you can't help but be amused.

dreamy Dr. John as the bellhop
the outdoor kitchen by the pool 
Oh it's just a little bump on the head, says Dad,as he
touches the huge black spot that is obviously not a bump
this looks like the rich guys house in Road House
the infestation of annoying grad students hits the dock
Jerry Lewis spazz attack
Egon is not amused
Taunting a mentally challenged, disfigured guy is so much fun
Do the Jellyfish? I think I know why the dance never caught on
60s pool party madness
the oldest grad student ever
killer jellyfish or plastic sandwich bags?
people are being killed - time to take a shower
the smack of the half man/half jellyfish means war
it's literally a guy with a trashbag on his head
dreamy John can't believe he's being beaten by a plastic bag
jellyfish man who also has a super computer


Friday, June 10, 2016

Student Bodies (1981)

Toby Badger is a student at Lamab High where students are being targeted by a serial killer who breathes heavily, and kills teens who engage in sexual activity.  Toby keeps her boyfriend at arms length so she has nothing to fear.  She even wears a pin under her clothes that says No! But she's worried that the killer may be someone at the school.

There are plenty of people to suspect.  Woodshop teacher Mr. Dumpkin is obsessed with horse head bookends, and his class is getting sick of making them.  School psychiatrist Dr. Sigmund asks the girls he's counseling to call him daddy, and when alone he dances around while wearing his clothes backwards. Principal Peters is creepy.  Ancient Miss Mumsley is always glaring at the students. Oddest of all is janitor Malvert, a double jointed, extremely skinny, very tall man with a limited intellect.

This is spoof of slasher flicks, and the comedy is pretty dated.  I ran across this movie originally back in the mid 80s on late night tv and thought it was stupid. But the repeated references to horse head bookends caught my attention and cracked me up. I have no idea if I was tired , or it seemed funnier because I was younger.

While there are some funny lines in the film, they're few and far between.  But you're got to see Malvert. He's an incredibly odd looking guy and his double-jointed movements are kind of disturbing.  It's an early foray into horror comedy that Scream pulled off years later.

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

The Undertaker and His Pals (1966)

An undertaker and his friends, who own a diner, decide to increase business by killing women.  The undertaker then offers the relatives of the deceased a burial for $144, but has them sign a contract with no price on it.  The reality is that when they are given a bill, the price is $1200 due to the incidentals, like using a coffin rather than a shipping crate.

The pay off for his friends is more sinister. They use parts of the victims to make meals in their diner. They remove the legs of the first victim, Sally Lamb, and the next day the diners special is leg of lamb - get it?   I'm not sure why it's a better business model to kill people rather than purchase food wholesale.  It seems like a bad idea all around, especially when the health inspector shows up.

Detective Harry Glass and his girlfriend /secretary Anne Poultry give the diner a try, which turns out to be a mistake.  Not only does Harry know the meat is not lamb, but after Harry introduces Anne to the owner, he's fixated on her last name.  That night Anne meets with a similar fate as Miss Lamb.  Harry is upset at her death but seems to move on rather quickly. He unintentionally pays for a bargain basement funeral and soon is on the trail of the killers.

This is a horror movie mixed with comedy. While some of it is black comedy, there are other jokes that are right out of the old films. For example, the picture of the first victims boyfriend changes expression when she is killed and again when her legs are chopped off.  It's a strange movie, but fits right in with other 60s films like Blood Feast.   The horror is 1960s standards so will only scare those not used to horror movies, but the killer bikers are pretty creepy.

if these guys were after me, I'd freak out

Monday, June 6, 2016

Delirium (2007)

A group of college students car pool to save money for  Spring Break. Kirk and Reyna refer to themselves as a cute couple, but are actually an obnoxious guy in a wife beater and a rich girl who likes his inappropriate aggressive behavior. Dennis is a geeky computer science major who is a punching bag for Kirk's bullying.  Sandra is an angry lesbian who is interesting in Lucy who claims to be straight.  Then there's Brad who has no real discernible personality, but he refers to himself as an entrepreneur and he's African American.

The trip is unpleasant due to the obnoxious personalities of the characters.  After stopping to get lunch, the group goes back out to their car and a Sheriff asks them where they're going. Instead of behaving like a normal person and having a conversation, some of the group start sassing the Sheriff. Good god man! Don't you know it's much easier to just be friendly and hope he goes away? Making him angry is not going to help.

When the Sheriff advises them that they shouldn't take their intended route because it is a seventy five mile stretch of desert and they'll be in trouble if they break down, idiot Kirk actually says, "We're free to drive any god damn route we want."  Kirk makes it clear that he just wants the fastest route, not the safest.

Based on Kirk's douchebaggery, it's not surprising when their car breaks down soon after, and they are stranded in the desert with no cell reception.  They decide to walk for help, but when night falls, they discover they are being stalked by someone who wants them dead.

This movie is tough to watch.  There's no one to root for since the majority of the characters aren't likable. Does anyone really talk like Kirk? And if so, why would anyone be within one hundred yards of him?  Also are we not supposed to know who the killer is? Because it seems pretty obvious very quickly.  As a side note, any couple who refer to themselves as a cute couple usually aren't.

Ridiculous dialogue:

Dennis - Hey guys, how 'bout we go in and have some lunch?
Kirk - How 'bout you shut the fuck up, freak. This is definitely the closest you'll get to a fine ass woman like this.

Saturday, June 4, 2016

Raw Force (1982)

aka Kung Fu Cannibals

Three guys from the Burbank Karate Club go on a cruise. They plan to see the sights, meet some fine ladies, and visit Warrior Island.  The island is rumored to be where disgraced martial artists go to commit suicide.  But what the karate club doesn't know is that the island is inhabited by cannibal monks who raise the dead.  There's also a side plot about a gang that trades women to the island monks in exchange for jade. But that story mostly bookends the movie.

There are colorful shirts, a guy with a fake ponytail, karate demonstrations, a man who resembles Hitler, and a frizzy haired bartender whose bar is at chest level. Even stranger, he uses his head to break a block of ice, the cubes spills onto the floor and he uses the ice in peoples drinks.  Guess that's what you get on a cheap cruise.

This movie has no clear plot and the characters are all over the place.  It's like a low rent episode of a sleazy Love Boat with more crop tops - and I'm talking about the guys. Everything screams bargain basement Love Boat - the music, the comedy, the wacky shenanigans, and the crazy characters that sometimes appear just for the set up of a joke. It's not a good movie, but it sure as heck is entertaining in it's ridiculousness.  If you're looking for a zombie movie, then this isn't it because there's not much zombie in it.

Our heroes from the Burbank Karate Club
Low rent Love Boat welcomes you aboard
Your cruise director
Our semi-trustworthy Captain and one of the crew,
who should wear a shirt while the passengers board
Crazy characters - note the guy in the top right wearing
white farmer jeans and no shirt
the fake ponytail
zombie on Warrior Usland
Hey there little lady, want a karate demonstration?
Hitler is not amused
They need a taller bartender or a shorter bar
A Nazi on a cruise ship?
A fantastic shirt that is probably highly flammable
Visit exotic ports on the bargain basement Love Boat
Sadly, the bartender regularly gets this reaction
special effects that don't quite match up with the picture
Now this just looks stupid
Crop tops galore!

Thursday, June 2, 2016

White Comanche (1968)

William Shatner plays blonde twin brothers. Notah is a bloody thirsty Comanche who seeks to kill the white devils, and Johnny Moon is a cowboy who wants to stop the violence - especially since they are identical twins and he's tired of people accusing him of murder.
While dueling Shatners sounds fantastic - and at times it is - overall the film is dull. I'm a fan of good westerns, but this is not one of them. The scenes of the two brothers together are a staccato overload as each Shatner does hard punctuations of random words. If you look away as they're talking, it's like one long monologue.

Please note that the VHS cover misspells the word Comanche.