Saturday, May 28, 2016

The Lazarus Effect (2015)

Frank and Zoey, whose engagement is on hold due to their current scientific experiments, are doing research into how to bring the dead back to life.  The University is unaware of that this involves jump starting dead animals, but once that is discovered, the project is shut down and they lose their funding.

Frank is furious since after many years, they've just succeeded revived a dog from the dead. Wanting to make the most of the last night before their lab will be dismantled and credit for their work most likely stolen, they sneak in to do see if they can duplicate their success with another dog carcass.

During the experiment,  Zoey is accidentally electrocuted. In his grief, and desperation Frank decides they need to bring her back to life... because it's perfectly safe to jab a huge needle randomly into a human head and not worry about hitting anything important.

The others are not on board with experimenting on Zoey, especially they've only recently had success on a dog.  Clay repeatedly warns them that something was very wrong with the dog they revived, but everyone ignores him.  Eventually they agree to help Frank and boom, here's Zoey back from the dead  But she's not the same and you just know she's going to be as weird as the dead dog.

The preview for the movie looked great, but it just didn't play out well.  I'm still left wondering why they took the back-from-the-dead dog home? I thought maybe it was their dog, but Zoey doesn't know it's name. Wouldn't it be safer to keep it in a cage in the lab?  Why is taking home an animated corpse a viable option in their project? It's totally outside any protocol for scientific study, and they could have gotten across how weird it was with things that happened in the lab.

Friday, May 27, 2016

Devil's Due (2014)

Newlyweds Zach and Samantha head down to the Dominican Republic for their honeymoon.  On their last night in town, they decide to get a palm reading and Samantha is unnerved by a creepy psychic.  After they leave her home,  the couple gets lost in a sketchy part of town.

S when a cab shows up out of nowhere, they hop right in.  The cabbie offers to take them to a special underground club that is not known to tourists and they say, why the hell not.  Good god, they're old enough to know better. You should never go to mystery clubs off the beaten path while in a foreign country - unless you want to end up going missing or birthing a devil baby.

The next day, Zach and Sam wake up in their hotel and wondering how they got back to their room.  No one shall ask why they don't look at the video they shot.  Zach is constantly documenting everything they do, so you'd think it might cross their minds.  Too bad it didn't because the few glimpses of underground corridors, alters and chanting means Sam is in for quite a pregnancy when she gets home.

As is always the case with those pesky devil baby's, things start getting weird and Sam gets even weirder. Nothing original here and it's been done better before. But the bigger problem is that most of the movie is a bunch of talking and not much devil-ing.

Friday, May 20, 2016

Blood Widow (2014)

Hugh and his girlfriend Laurie buy an isolated house which is referred to as a fixer upper., but looks perfectly fine.  For a reason never explained (ahem, plot convenience), the couple who sell them the home make plans to come back in a few days and help with the home repairs.

Laurie is picturing a quiet romantic weekend in their new home. But Hugh has invited some friends over for a party and neglected to mention this to Laurie.   This does not bode well for their future, especially when his friends invite more guests and the house ends up packed.  Laurie is not amused.

When they glimpse a neighboring home through the trees, their friends think, "hey an abandoned house" and traipse off to explore it.  Although this group is in their mid twenties, they  think it's fun to vandalize the home and generally act like idiots. Unfortunately for them, there's a Blood Widow in the basement. Take that, you over aged vandals.

The old house used to be a school for orphans, and some horrible things went on there.  Why is the blood widow in the basement and taking revenge on people who never wronged her?   Who knows.

The movie is slow paced with not so much blood widow, but a lot of annoying partiers.  The characters aren't very likable so you won't care when they die.

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Avalanche Sharks (2014)

Legend has it that high in the mountains, there used to be killer sharks that swim in snow.  Most people dismiss this as a Native American fable, which is really a shame since an avalanche unleashes said killer sharks from their frozen graves.  Soon snowboarders, skiers, and anyone within reach is a tasty snack for these extremely cold blooded killing machines.

As people begin to disappear on the slopes, friends and family notify the ski patrol.  But this resort has the worst ski patrol ever.  They're too lazy to conduct a search for anyone.  What's that? We're up to four missing skiers?  Oh I'm sure they'll show up at some point.

The one guy who figures out there's a problem raises the call to close the resort. What? Harumph harumph.  Close the mountain?  But it's spring break and the best snow in years.   This is our peak tourist season, says the person in charge who doesn't realize it's better to lose a tourist season than be known as the ski lodge where everyone died.

This is a tough one to get through.  The sharks and blood are CGI, and you won't care who gets taken out by the sharks.

Sunday, May 15, 2016

Indigenous (2014)

In a typical horror movie fashion, idiot college kids scoff at a local legend and traipse off into the jungle to their inevitable deaths.

A group of friends go on vacation in Panama to hang out on the beach and party.  One night in a bar, they are told of a beautiful waterfall deep in the jungle which is not known to tourists.  When they express interest in seeing it, one of the locals whose befriended them warns them not to go.  There is a legend about creatures who roam that part of the jungle, and people who go to that area disappear never to be seen again.

Now you would think that even if they didn't believe in the legend, they might want to be concerned that people disappear in the jungle.  But as a bunch of drunken privileged white college kids who feel invulnerable, they're not worried.  They're here to party, and seeing something that other tourists don't should get them more hits on whatever social media they're posting on.  Yeah, that's right. We went to this secret location that other people aren't told about, so there.

Although she promises not to take them there, the woman from the bar drives the group deep into the jungle the next day.  And it's all fun and games until someone disappears after uttering a blood curdling scream. Oh yeah, there's creatures in this here jungle so get ready for some death college kids.

There's nothing to distinguish Indigenous from any other film where kids wander off to a place where they shouldn't go and they pay with their lives. If you know that people disappear when they go to a certain area of the jungle, then why are you going? It's a foreign country. You don't believe in the legend? Fine, but what about animals, poisonous things, drug traffickers, guerrilla armies, or even locals who don't like your smug stupid face? What if you've accidentally done something horribly insulting or rude while you were drunk?  Not every culture is going to just let you walk away. You don't know the customs there. So yeah, maybe be cautious when a local warns you away from a certain area.

Saturday, May 7, 2016

The Paranormal Diaries: Clophill (2013)

A group of paranormal investigators decide to investigate Clophill, the ruins of a church that are said to be haunted.  There are stories of black masses, ghostly sightings, and mysterious things happening in the churchyard.

This is essentially like watching a really boring episode of Ghost Hunters.  The investigators interview townsfolk and nothing much happens during the investigation.

The description says based on true events, but there is also information provided that 90% of the movie is real with the remainder being staged.  Based on the credits, everyone is listed as themselves except for those listed as cult members.