Thursday, April 30, 2015

Snake Eyes (1998)

Corrupt cop Rick Santoro spends his time shaking down criminals and cheating on his wife.  But when his best friend Kevin, a Naval Officer, ends up in charge of security for the Secretary of Defense at a big boxing match, Rick ends up ringside when the Secretary is shot.

Hoping to catch the assassin, the arena doors are shut to keep people from leaving. But no one seems to notice the blood spattered woman who was sitting next to Rick and talking to the Secretary when he was shot.

Rick pulls rank and takes over the investigation since Kevin had essentially deserted his post at the time of the shooting. He'd been chasing after a suspicious woman who ran off when he asked to see her ticket for a ringside seat.  Since Rick is crooked, he has no problem doctoring the truth to protect his buddy Kevin.

Meanwhile our blood spattered woman has changed clothes and is blind as a bat due to the loss of her glasses, which is right out of Scooby Doo. Since she can't see a foot in front of her, it's going to be hard to elude the people looking for her.

There's nothing special about this movie except the opening shot. The film opens with a long shot of Cage walking through the arena, backstage, threatening a crook, moving back through the arena and taking his seat, all while interacting with others in the crowd or on the phone.  Now there are some fast pans to the side where the cuts can be hidden, but it appears seamless and is an impressively planned out way to start the film.  That's one of the things I miss about modern movies. They rarely use a long one shot of people acting off each other. It's mostly quick cuts. So enjoy crazy Cage and his overacting and the ridiculous convenient ending.

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

The Houses October Built (2014)

Oh no! Wouldn't you know it? It's another movie about people going places they damn well shouldn't.  Well maybe this is the one time things will work out. They can't always end up in a horrible situation that could have been avoided. Let's see, shall we?

Five friends get an RV and set out to make a documentary about haunted attractions, aka haunts.  They plan to film at the haunts and hopefully find one of those pesky underground extreme haunts rumored to exist.

At one of the haunts, they get in an argument with a worker who tells them there are no cameras allowed. They shut the camera off, but later that night a worker shows up to demand the tape. When they deny taping, he doesn't believe them. Trouble is they've pissed off the wrong people. From that point on, haunt workers seem to be following them and trying to scare them.

Eventually they meet a couple of guys who give them the name of a bar where they can supposedly find out info about an underground haunt.  It's always moving so you need to know where to go.

When they get to the bar, there are creepy guys and haunt workers in costumes. Yup, it's the type of place you should just turn on your heel and walk out.  But desperate to find that extreme haunt, they stick it out.  Naturally the word extreme leads one to believe things will not work out well for our intrepid semi-young film makers.

One thing I found amusing about this movie is that one of characters talks about how he likes haunts where you don't know what the hell is going on and you're not sure if it's real.  Yet when it comes down to it, he doesn't like it at all.

Personally I'm not sure why anyone would want to go to an extreme haunt.  A friend of mine used to work at a haunt and knew about the activities at extreme haunts. Honestly I don't want to go anywhere that I need to sign a waiver and pay to experience one or more of the following: light torture; electric shock; extreme physical contact; violence; simulated drowning; abduction; and the need of a safe word. One place even said that by entering you acknowledge that you could be subject to physical or emotional injuries. Oh hell no!

The film has an interesting concept, but the ending is meh.  It was filmed at real haunted attractions, which is brilliant since I'd guess they traded free publicity in exchange for being able to film at these real locations.  A money saving idea indeed, plus they ended up with better quality haunts than if they'd try to make fake haunts for the movies.

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Night of the Living Dead: Resurrection (2012)

After an opening with people who are not as worried as they should be about the threat of zombies, the movie eventually settles on the plight of a family holed up in their isolated farm house who are fighting off any zombies who try to get in.

The majority of the film involves the family bickering and the father insisting that those in the home who've turned into the zombies be left unharmed... because they're family.  Also even though they know that anyone bitten by a zombie eventually becomes a zombie, they take no precautions when others are bitten. Hey, they're family. Just put them on the bed or shut them in a room.

To say the family isn't very good at critical thinking and decision making would be an understatement.  If it's the zombie apocalypse, the middle of the night and your car is on a narrow road blocked by a line of teenagers with machetes and their instructions are to keep the car safe but go ballistic on the occupant, the last thing you should do is slowly back up the car. It's self preservation time and these boys are out to kill you.

I ended up fast forwarding through a bunch of the movie because it was just a bunch of meaningless  talking by people I didn't care about who made stupid decisions.  Low budget and not very interesting, it offers nothing new and ends on a bad note with the rape van.  I thought I'd misheard and had to listen to the statement again. But no, it actually was rape van. Thanks crappy movie, for making yourself even more unlikable.

Saturday, April 25, 2015

America 3000 (1986)

Why is the future so stupid?  Scifi movies seem to either go for brutal post apocalyptic wasteland, or a world with unintentionally silly clothing, ridiculous dances, amusingly strange bars, and awkward nonsensical lingo.

In what has to be the cleanest apocalypse ever, women have big hair, make up, shaved legs, and clean barbarian clothing.  Men are second class citizens who are artfully stubbled, used for the purpose of breeding and the only ones with dirty faces.  Actually only the good looking men are used for breeding while the uglier men are more like mentally challenged cavemen.

Korvis and his hunky top hatted friend were captured as teens, but quickly managed to escape.  Now adults, they raid the women's fort to set the less intelligent men free and get  supplies.

When the women seek revenge for the attack, Korvis is shot with an arrow and falls off a cliff straight into the underground hideout of the President. They don't seem familiar with this term since they haltingly pronounce this Prezzydent, and then refer to him as Prez.  Apparently Prez must be known for wearing a gold lame suit space suit and carrying a boom box because when Korvis puts on the suit and goes outside, people mistake him for Prez. Yeah, it makes no sense.

It's hunky guys and bearded cavemen vs. women with big fancy hairstyles and make up. Plus there's a strange looking monster called Argh the Awful, and a rocking 80s soundtrack.  I'm surprised the bad wigs don't fly off peoples heads as they fight, run, and fall off horses.

This is a silly movie and the silly future lingo drove me nuts, but then started to fascinate me because of it's stupidity.  The first seventeen minutes of the movie is filled with exposition.  Parts of it were amusing and other parts were boring.  It was made by Golan Globus, and due to my love of ninja films of the 80s, I'm all about Golan Globus films.  Overall it's good for mindless entertainment.

Ridiculous future dialogue:

Hot scan what I say...

It's a cold Plugart trick.

Legends don't say what the Prez will scan like.

I am a man. Neggy macho... neggy toy.

If I wanted to pain you, I wouldn't have brought you here.

Solemn swear.

Woggos.. oh that wacky future lingo.
Low rent Lisa Kudrow is not amused
Requisite killer monster who turns out to be lovable
What? I'm not wearing a wig! 
Lots of hairspray and make up after the apocalypse
Only a hunky guy could pull off a top hat in a wasteland
Tube tops - fashion of future barbarians
Your sort of greasy hero, ladies and gentlemen
Surprisingly Prez's suite is dust free
He doesn't know what a boom box is, but he understands video?
Gold lame? must be Prezzydent.
All hail Prez
There are no words....

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Master of Darkness Magic (2008)

aka Masters of Magic

I knew I was in trouble as soon as this started. It looks like a video your friends might make.  There isn't any lighting or cinematography. The acting is at an amateur theater level, and the dialogue is often buried under the background music. Since there isn't much of a plot, I suppose it doesn't matter - but it doesn't help either.

A princess who is tired of being rich and living well, puts on a twentyfirst century vest and heads out into the woods to live as a thief.  She joins forces with a young orphan, and the two decide to help a gay monk destroy some creatures which turn out to be some sort of pathetic zombies.

Meanwhile a wizard is creating the zombies by killing the living in order to keep some sort of gate closed.  Who does the gate keep out?  No idea.  How does turning people into zombies help keep the gate closed? No clue.  But the wizard kills people he knows while apologizing them.  They don't even fight. They just simply tell him that they don't like that he's killing them. It's all very civilized.

This is the equivalent of watching community theater in the wild. There is a soundtrack which sounds like it came out of a video game where the character is on a quest and has a sword.  The credits thank a renaissance fair as well as a guild.  It's not clear what sort of connections the two have to this movie, but in every photo I've seen of a Renaissance fair, the costumes are way better than what you'll see in this film.

Yeah, the one on the right is a Princess who's slumming it.
Typical shot that reveals no lighting was used.
The saddest looking zombies ever
Yes, the vests are authentic to the 16th century.
I really believe that the evil sword is forcing her to cut herself.
Primitive special effects to match the time period.
I can't take his threat seriously because he looks like he's
going to kiss him.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Goregoyles: The Walkers (2007)

aka Goregoyles 2

When their car breaks down, husband and wife bank robbers the Walkers run into the woods hoping to lose the police.  The lone detective chasing them calls for back up and heads into the woods after them.  Shortly afterwards,  another man shows up who is with the police but whose uniform looks more like a security guard.

As it starts to get dark the security guard wants to go back, but the detective says they need to keep going even if they have to spend the nights in the woods.

The detective is kind of an idiot since he's decided to move forward with no food, water, cell phone, radio, or anyway for the police to locate them. Four days later they're still tromping along through the woods, the security guy is whining "I want to go home," and they haven't caught the robbers yet.  No one shall ask why after four days I'm the woods neither man has grown any facial hair.

Along with this cops and robbers story, there is the legend of the Moss Man.  Stories are that a man wandered into the woods, sat on a rock and never left.  Moss grew up around him and eventually in him. Now he wanders the woods looking for a soul in any animals he finds.  I guess this is the horror part of the movie, except that he only appears once and he's only briefly mentioned prior to that.

Ridiculous dialogue - 
"We've got eight bullets. Maybe we can shot some food."

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Johnny Sunshine: Maximum Volume (2008)

I can't remember if I've already mentioned this, but earlier this year I bought a 50 pack of movies for $20.  There were two movies I'd been trying to find them elsewhere, but had been unsuccessful. So I decided to spring for the horror pack even though I knew the movies were going to be crappy. Hey 50 movies for $20 is only 40 cents a piece. So what the hell?  Well this is the type of movie that makes you really want your 40 cents back.

In the future, the Sprawl is inhabited by zombies and lowlifes who are trying to apply for citizenship and want to buy their way into the city.  We're never shown the city, but I'm sure it's a lovely place.  The sprawl seems to be filled with alleys where a few random zombies stagger, and generic looking rooms you'd see in suburban houses or cookie cutter apartment buildings.

In this environment we find our three main characters, and all are incredibly unappealing.  They are: Johnny Sunshine, a female zombie slayer and star of videos where she has sex with and kills scumbags she captures;  Max, owner of Maximum Productions, a drug trafficker, and maker of zombie porn; and Officer Stern, a corrupt police officer and part time zombie killer. You won't care about any of them.

There isn't much of a plot. Johnny kills people and zombies on film, and sells the video to Max.  Max sells drugs, makes zombie porn, and we are shown footage of his application for citizenship in the city.  Stern is obsessed with Johnny and has some sort of connection to Max which is unclear. Max also owns a speakeasy where Johnny's boyfriend is the bartender.

The zombies are few and far between and barely do anything.  There are some fight scenes in which it's obvious the fight choreography was done by amateurs.  Some of the shots are from the wrong angle making it obvious that the punches aren't connecting. All the punches and kicks are slow and awkward.

Monday, April 20, 2015

Below Ground: Demon Holocaust (2012)

Based on the movie title, I expected demons being slaughtered in underground caves. Instead 95% of the film takes place in a suburban home where five people taken refuge after some sort of unknown disaster occurred. I suppose technically the title is correct since much of that time is spent in the basement, but that's not what you'd expect.

Dave, a horror film maker, decides to use his video camera and the film he has left to capture the craziness that's broken out in town.  When he stupidly ventures out to see if a woman in the yard is okay, she's not human.  On the way back to the house, he runs into another woman who needs a place to stay and invites her inside.  Soon a man is banging on the door needing help, and later they wave over two people trying to outrun the creatures outside.

The characters are stereotypes: the guy who films everything; a stripper with a heart of gold; her abusive ex-boyfriend; and a Christian couple who doesn't like the others because they're heathens. Later in the movie, the music swells as several characters provide sad back stories. It seems really out of place, and there's nothing original in their stories.

The only way we know the monsters are demons is because one character refers to them as such. Otherwise they appear to be quick moving zombies with sharp teeth. Following typical zombie lore, anyone bitten by a demon will eventually turn into a demon.  
Plus the cover is totally misleading since there is nothing like that in the film.  It's a low budget production and the demon makeup is pretty minimalist, and will probably be mistaken for zombies other than the teeth.

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Butchered (2010)

A group of teens sail out to an island so they can spend one last weekend together before going off to college.  Unfortunately a serial killer who just escaped from prison has stolen a boat and sailed to that very same island. What are the odds?  Not sure why he'd go there since criminally insane serial killers usually go where there are people to kill.

The characters are typical stereotypes, including a kid who was accepted into a prestigious college but his family is pressuring him to go into the family business.  There is also a couple who constantly call each other baby, often beginning and ending their sentences with the word. It's incredibly annoying and you end up with scenes filled with this type of dialogue:

"Baby, we're gonna die"
"Baby, don't say that."
"We need to get out of here, baby."
"Baby, I know. I'll stay here so you can get away, baby."
"Baby, I can't leave you. I can't go without you, baby."
"Baby, you have to go."

The killer is a veteran of foreign war. So you'd think there would be no way a high school kid could ever survive the killers stealth, stalking, and survival skills, but there you go - plothole.  The kills are pretty tame and I don't even remember if any of them are onscreen. This version is supposed to be unrated, so I guess the only difference is a few topless scenes?

Watch for the scene where a girl is killed with an ax, and when the killer pulls it out, it's only a handle.

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Cradle of Shadows (2013)

aka Le Berceau des Ombres

After a worker in a massive underground bunker disappears, a private investigator is hired to look into it. The owner tells the PI that he has three days to spend in the bunker and figure out what is going on down there.  Rumor has it the bunker is haunted and was also used by the Nazi's in World War II.

Along with his assistant, the PI recruits a professor of parapsychology and two of his students.  They set up their equipment and start to explore. Almost immediately the hear noises and get video of what appears to be one of those Japanese ghost girls with long hair.

This starts an argument about whether to leave or stay. Some people want to get out, while others want to locate the girl.  This begs the question, why do people looking for ghosts always get the hell out when they find one?  Shortly after this they realize there is something else down there with them, and the key to the bunker door is missing leaving them trapped.

Unlike many American horror films where the characters are annoying jerks you'd rather punch in the face than spend a minute of your time with, the characters are overall pretty likable.  That doesn't mean they don't get a less appealing as the film goes on though and they start to freak out.

The best part of the film is the location. It was filmed in casemates on the Maginot Line and Fort Hestroff Frescoes.

Whoever did the subtitles was not on the ball.  My friend has some knowledge of the French language and said the subtitles didn't match what they were saying.  This was obvious at some points, such as when one character says "What's going on?" and the other one answers, "No!"  Way to phone it in, subtitle guy.

Ridiculous subtitles-

"So what? You are softened out?"

"There someone?"

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Backwoods Bloodbath: Curse of the Black Hodag (2007)

In a plot never before seen in a horror movie, a group of twenty somethings rent an isolated cabin for the weekend, get stalked by a monster, and their blood starts a-flying.

After the funeral of one of their old high school buddies, a group of friends who were the popular crowd in high school decides to get away for the weekend.  Also along for the trip is an unpopular guy who was invited by one of the girls.  Proving that some people never outgrow high school, the guys pick right up where they left off by mocking his masculinity and his interest in photography.

After going to a local bar, one of the patrons tells them about the curse of the Black Hodag, a mysterious creature rumored to kill people in the woods. Other locals think the story is a joke, but the viewer knows that someone who resembles a Klingon is stalking through the scenery and killing whoever he finds.

The movie uses comedy in a lot of scenes, but it's not funny. It's low budget with stereotypical characters, but is better made than many movies you'll find on multipack horror collections. So take that for what it's worth.  There is a very nice effect near the end when someones face is half bitten off.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Leprechaun 6: Back 2 the Hood (2003)

Emily and Lisa are chilling in the hood with their friend Jaime, while Emily's ex Rory rides around on his flashy motorcycle with his new girl.  Lisa invites Rory to a cookout in the park, which upsets Emily.  When she stomps off, the ground gives way and she falls into a hidden cave that contains a room with a little box of gold.

The four grab the riches and decide to split it evenly. Too bad Emily doesn't remember the warning she just received from a psychic who stated she would get riches beyond her dream but she should refuse them because they'd bring nothing but heartache.  This turns out to be true when our little leprechaun friend shows up wanting his gold.  You'd think he'd do a better job hiding his precious gold but people always seem to find it. Stupid evil leprechaun.

Basically if you've seen one leprechaun film, you've seen them all.  They can all be summed up by saying someone steals his gold and he tries to kill them.

Sunday, April 12, 2015

In the Woods (1999)

Firefighter Alex and his wife are having a difficult time.  Alex drinks to deal with the the emotional toll of deadly fires.  His wife is tired of being married to someone with an alcohol problem who hangs out in the bar drinking with his buddies instead of talking to her about his feelings.

To help cheer Alex up, co-worker Wayne takes him on a hunting trip where they can have peace and quiet, and no alcohol.  They go to privately owned land where no one is allowed, but Wayne says his in-laws family own it, so what the heck.  when they stumble across what appears to a burial site, the reason no one is allowed on the land seems clear. Especially because people have been disappearing and the police believe there is a serial killer on the loose.

Wayne insists on digging up the grave, but Alex wants to tell the police.  Alex proves to have better critical thinking skills because it's always a bad idea ago dig up a grave. Unfortunately he caves and they dig up a weird horned skull, something in the woods bellows, and they are chased off the land by a strange creature.  Contrary to his promise to his wife, Alex and Wayne head to the nearest bar and vow to tell no one about their experience since no one would believe them.

When his wife comes home, Alex is asleep on the couch.  Alex proves to have married a woman with a distinct lack of olfactory receptors since she never knows he's been drinking until she kisses him.  No wonder he's been getting away with drinking for so long.

After his wife moves out, Alex is alarmed to find his garage has become a dumping ground for body parts. It would have been much more interesting if this turned out to be some psycho revenge done by his estranged wife who is trying to frame him for being the serial killer, but alas it turns out to be some convoluted story regarding the monster they previously saw in the woods. Naturally many of the local police and residents think he's the serial killer. But he'd have to be stupid to suddenly start leaving body parts on his property and calling the police to report it when he's gotten away with it for so long.

While the movie is called In the Woods, 90% of the movie takes place in the someone's house or the fire station.  This isn't that good a movie, but it's better than a lot of the crap I've been watching lately.  So take that with a grain of salt.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Dr. Shock's Grindhouse of Horrors (2007)

I'm not a big fan of anthologies. Often times it's just a way to couple together a bunch of junk to make it the length of a film.  This one is three different films, each around thirty minutes long, and all by the same filmmaker.   The wraparound with Dr. Shock is also made by the same guy.

Dr. Shock is a tv host with lame jokes and skits.  He lacks the charm of older horror hosts, so you just wait for it to be over so you can view the movies.

Wilbers Bed and Breakfast - 
Wilber owns a bed and breakfast, and wants to be Internet beef jerky king.  His brother owns a garage. When tourists cars breakdown, the brother tows the car, says it won't be fixed until the next day, and sends people to stay at Wilbers. Surprisingly no one is alarmed by Wilber greeting them in a lab coat, goggles, and industrial strength gloves.

Blood Sucking Hillbillies - 
Three hillbillies running moonshine in their old truck end up running out of gas and go to the local brothel for help.  But the girls there aren't human.  No one shall ask how the brothel manages to stay in business if they're killing their customers.  The movie is in black and white to try to make it look old, and the first ten minutes are jokes about farts and poop. Boo.

Black Rose - 
Okay, each movie gets worse.  Sal Miller is an intrepid reporter right out of the 1940s, whose boss threatens to fire him if he turns in another lame story.  Sal decides to hire some stoners to get a photo of a killer who lives nearby.  Based on this brilliant idea, Sal will soon be unemployed.

The stoners are called Fatso, Skateboard, Dude, and Headshop.  Get used to hearing these names because they are repeated over and over and over, often in the same scene.  There are scenes where  almost every other word is dude, which will drive you absolutely insane.

There is a scene where someone keeps saying something like, "Hey throw Skateboard's skateboard over the fence."  Comedy gold my friends, comedy gold.  Another scene has Sal looking for the stoners, and the entire time he's wandering around he repeats the same thing over and over.  It's something like, "Fatso?.... Skateboard?... Dude?... Headshop?... It's me. Sal Miller."  Try hearing that five times in a row without screaming.  Also of note - Skateboard appears to be very uncomfortable and not at all adept at being on a skateboard.

I picked this up on a used box set of 50 crappy movies.  I knew the movies were going to be crap, but at a cost of forty cents per film, I can't complain about the price.  But when I tried to find a copy of the DVD cover, I discovered this DVD has a list price of $9.99. I'd be really pissed off if I paid that much for something this amateur.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Animal (2014)

A group of friends decide to go hiking in the woods.  As the light fades, some of them want to head back to the car, but a couple of the guys want to keep going. Consequently they're deep in the woods when the sun goes down.

While trying to find their way back to their car, they stumble across a pile of bones and flesh which appear to be a body. Even worse, there are noises in the woods that turn out to be a hideous monster, which reminded me of the one in Feast.

While attempting to get away from the dangerous beast, they stumble upon a cabin, and try to convince the people inside to let them in.  Once inside, they discover others who've experienced the same creature in the woods.  The cabin appears to have been used previously for the purpose of remaining out of the clutches of the creature since there are various barricades. The people already in the house warn that the animal keeps trying to get inside.

The rest of the movie revolves around determining if they can find a way to escape, or if the monster will find a way into the house.  There are cliche situations between the totally bitter downer character who is out for himself, and everyone else in the house. While there's nothing new about the movie, it was actually okay, even though there were plenty of bad decisions to go around.

The biggest question I'm left with is, if this creature can devour seven people in less than 24 hours, wouldn't someone notice that so many people are going missing?  This can't be it's first foray into humans as a food source.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

The Savage Bees (1976)

When I was a kid the trailer for The Swarm freaked me out. What? Killer bees coming to the United States? How will we survive?  So it's a good thing I didn't see this movie, which is also about killer bees coming to America to kill us all - especially those who wear red or black, which are colors that make bees the angriest.  They also don't like loud noises. So don't rev your tractor, or drunkenly scream for hotdogs, or get your car horn stuck by conking it with your head, or anything preposterous stuff like that.

Sheriff McKew finds his faithful dog dead, and vows to track down whoever killed him.  So he drives into New Orleans in the middle of Mardi Gras and takes his dogs carcass to the Coroners Office. This surprises the coroner on duty, Jeff Durance, since the office only handles human remains, not pets.

The Sheriff thinks his animal pal has been poisoned, and talks  Jeff into doing some tests.  While doing the dog autopsy,  Jeff discovers that the pooch wasn't poisoned. The dogs stomach is filled with bees which stung him to death. Ewwwww.

Jeff calls on ex-girlfriend Jeannie who just happens to be an entomologist. They head to the city offices to try to shut down Mardi Gras, but the city official played by James Best, aka Roscoe P. Coltrane, won't stop the biggest party of the year without proof of these  supposedly killer bees and their need for vengeance. Since they can't get any help from the city, Jeannie connects with one of her insect crazy scientist friends who he has a hotline to the number one bee expert in the world and asks for immediate help. Meanwhile the streets are filled with drunken party goers completely unaware that they could soon be overrun by bees which may be out for blood.

The Sheriff sends his men out to look for the location of the swarm.  Nothing like trying to find a swarm of bees in the country. The only way to tell them from swarms of regular bees is to see if they kill you.

The Sheriff's search party proves to be inept at understanding the actual danger quotient of a killer bees since their protection consists of entirely of cheesecloth draped over their heads.  Luckily the number one bee expert in the world locates the savage bees in a hot dog stand, and enters wearing what is essentially a silver hazmat suit.  If only his plan hadn't been foiled by two drunk Mardi Gras loving teens who run a police road block and really want to eat some hotdogs.  Or perhaps everything would have been fine if the kid dressed as a pirate didn't bring a real sword do Mardi Gras.  But before you know it our bee expert has a slice in his protective suit, and we're back to square one.

Perhaps the funniest scene in the movie is when they decide to get the bees to follow a VW Beetle. As they drive through the streets of New Orleans, Jeff yells over the loud speaker telling everyone they have sixty second to get off the streets because they're bring a bunch of killer bees through town. Also the DVD is obviously taken from a VHS copy since the picture tends to roll at the beginning of the film, like when the tracking is off.

It's a decent 70s movie and I liked it better than the Swarm.  Michael Parks and Gretchen Corbett do a good job, although Ben Johnson is wasted in his role as Sheriff.

Monday, April 6, 2015

At the House of Madness (2008)

Sarah is discouraged that they're unable to sell their house and believes it is because the home is cursed. Her husband is having none of this nonsense. So Sarah begins reeling off names of all the people who lived in the home and met untimely ends.

In an abrupt switch, we find ourselves watching Tracy, a women who is either wearing a bad wig, or whose hair looks like a bad wig.  She drives to the beach,  uses a metal detector and discovers a strange book buried in the sand. I'm not sure what's more surprising  - that the clasp has a demon head on it, or that it didn't sustain any damage from the damp sand and salty ocean water.

Back at home while trying to pry the book open, Tracy sees a rat and beats it to death with a magnifying glass. Odd choice I know, but the clasp releases and Tracy is in evil heaven flipping through the pages. As the clock strikes the next hour, the book slams shut, and Tracy is back to attacking the clasp with a dull butter knife.

Since the book opened when she killed the rat, Tracy decides the best way to get the book to open  again is to start murdering people. No one shall ask why where she came up with this huge leap in logic or why she doesn't continue to murder small rodents who won't be missed.  Perhaps the fumes from her sad looking wig have rotted her brain. As you'd expect, evil books always punish those who read them.

Back to the wrap around segment of the anthology, Sarah's husband is no more convinced of the curse than before. So Sarah tells him the tale of a young woman named Izzy whose cousin lived in the house. Izzy feigned a breakup with her boyfriend and no place to stay, but in reality she plans on robbing the home.  Her cousin says he has an old ventriloquist dummy passed down though the family. Izzy decides they need to steal the dummy since it must be worth a lot of money. Izzy is not too bright.

We all know nothing good can come from a ventriloquist dummy, so there.  Sarah's husband is wondering why he married a woman who believes in curses.  Both stories make Sarah look a bit nutty  since neither story makes the house itself look bad.

I'm not a big fan of anthologies and this didn't change my mind.  The story with the book has a big chunk of time where they pad the film as Tracy wanders on the beach, walks, or tries to get the book open. There is no dialogue and the film making is not good enough to support this type of silence.

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Wolfcop (2014)

Officer Lou Garou, a cop with an alcohol problem, is sent on a call for what he thinks is a bunch of noisy teens partying in the woods.  But after finding someone hanging upside down and then being conked on the head, Lou wakes up the next morning in his bed but with a pentagram carved in his chest.

With the discovery of a body in woods, the annual Drink and Shoot is cancelled.  Lou notices a pattern regarding cancellation of the Drink and Shoot. Previously a lazy and slightly drunk cop, he becomes focused on solving who is committing the murders.

Lou also discovers that he turns into a werewolf at night, but due to the alcohol impairment, he's not completely lost to the wolf inside him.  So he's still able to drive and mumble. Felons are no match for a werewolf in a cop uniform.

It's a decent effort and there are a few really funny lines, but it could have been so much better. I expect so much more than an average movie from a film titled Wolf Cop.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Deadhouse (2005)

Three teens on their way to visit a relative get lost and end up in a small town where the only inhabitants seem to be overweight men.  After asking directions from a creepy butcher who operates out of the basement in the back of what could be an abandoned building, the group drives down a dirt road, where they almost run someone over.  Basically they're all idiots. The SUV is  driving on dirt tracks in a field trying to get back to the highway, and the guy in the field isn't aware enough to hear the vehicle  coming.  SUV's aren't stealthy, people.

Feeling guilty, they give the guy a ride, but their car mysteriously gets stuck while moving on the dry dirt road.  They abandon their vehicle hoping to find a house, but again, common sense takes a back seat as they wander through a field rather than sticking to a road.

Upon discovering a creepy abandoned looking home, they trot inside to look for a phone and are confronted by the homeowner, who looks like he's in a metal band and is uninterested in their plight.  Surprisingly, this causes the group to react with sarcasm, seeming to miss the point that they've walked uninvited into his home.

It's no surprise when things go horribly wrong and a behemoth, mask wearing, wrestler type, serial killer comes out of nowhere to clean house.  While the killer is huge and has a creepy mask, the scare factor is undermined by a ring of duct tape wrapped around his ample belly as if it's a belt, (it's not).

The town's law enforcement proves incompetent, and there is a twist ending that isn't surprising if you've watched your share of horror movies. Also the killer is referred to as a clown in the description of the movie, but there's nothing clown like about him. He's just a big guy with a strange mask.

Watch for the young guy with the unfortunate haircut at the beginning of the video who falls over when a fairly light branch that is masquerading as  a tree falls on top of him, where upon he mutters, "Fuckin' tree...."  Also look for the fuzzy video of two little girls inserted into the credits, which at first sight will make you think someone accidentally edited snippets of their home movies into the film.

The music often drowns out the dialogue, and even when the music isn't playing, it can be hard to hear what the characters are saying.  Luckily that's no great loss.