Friday, February 28, 2014

Bad Milo (2013)

Nice guy Duncan visits the Doctor and finds out he has a stress related intestinal issue that requires surgery.  He's advised to avoid all stress since that will aggravate his condition. Unfortunately for Duncan this turns out to be the week that each day brings unexpected changes at work, problems with his family, and the discovery that there is something more than stress causing his painful bathroom visits.

It turns out that Duncan has a monster of sorts living inside him (which he names Milo). Since Milo lives in his intestines, you can guess where he's going to come out.  When he gets stressed, Milo appears and goes after whoever is causing the stress.

The humor in the film is hit or miss. There are some really funny parts and other parts that are just ehhh.  There's a reoccurring joke that people are being killed by raccoons, which is pretty funny especially since the first guy is killed in an office building.

The music is right out of a 1980s movie and the little monster, although a vicious killer, is adorable. It's got big black eyes and when it blinks it's so cute.  There's a great cast, standouts being Ken Marino whose very likable as Duncan, Toby Huss as the Doctor, Peter Stormare as the Psychiatrist, and Patrick Warburton who's great in everything he does. 
The cuddly, cut Milo
The killer Milo

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Cathys Curse (1977)

After a heart warming opening in which her mother runs off with her brother George, Laura and her father burn to death in a car crash.  Then the film jumps years ahead to Cathy, her mother, and her father (the grown up George) moving into the old family estate. 

Almost immediately there are shenanigans after Cathy finds an old doll in the attic and starts acting strange.  As far as dolls go, it's not very creepy looking, but her mother keeps calling it a dirty rag which is odd. But then again her mother begins the stay at the new house by angrily saying to her husband, "You know and I know I've had a nervous breakdown."  Sadly this doesn't account for her annoying shrill voice, but I suppose it doesn't help either.

Cathy seems to have developed strange powers since she can make things break by looking at them.  Also when advancing menacingly  at people with her old doll held out in front of her at arms length, people seem to die. Plus she can disappear and appear at will, which she does in one scene when her mother yells at her. No one shall ask why her mother is more concerned with Cathy answering her questions than the fact that Cathy is teleporting all over the hallway.

In some scenes, there seems to be obvious foreshadowing which ends up going nowhere: the mother says they need to oil the attic door so no one gets locked in; a medium has a vision of Laura's death and has various bad experiences with Cathy; and once the pictures eyes glow green, an old lady appears in the attic and harasses the medium. Who the hell is she and where did she come from?  Sadly we'll never know.

I've wanted to see this since I saw the poster which is pretty cool.  The copy of the film on the Chilling Classics set is really rough, and the first part of the movie is downright bad so I'm glad I stuck it out.

Be prepared for multiple murders, a crazy mother, a clueless father, and Cathy dragging a stupid doll around while looking as evil as she can with a cute face and long blond hair.  This is an okay evil kid movie, although it's not much different from any other evil kid movies since no one thinks, hmmmm   perhaps something is wrong with this kid since she's always at the scenes of these deaths, she's acting like a creepy jerk, and doing horrible things to people while teleporting and breaking things with her mind.

Say what, now?
Yeah, I'm cutely evil
She's so washed out she's like an android or Mr. Data
Dig the crazy 70s wallpaper
It's never a good sign when a pictures eyes glow green
Mick Fleetwood is not amused.
Nervous Breakdown + Faucet of Blood....  inexplicably equals Leeches?

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

House of the Dead (1978)

aka Alien Zone

A man having an affair catches a taxi back to his hotel, but gets dropped off on the wrong street.  It's late at night and no ones around, so he finds a doorway to duck out the rain.  A man who turns out to be a mortician invites him in and tells shows off his  latest four customers.

Ms. Sibiler is an angry woman who hates kids, which makes her career choice an unfortunate one since she's an elementary school teacher. When she gets home from work, she finds the neighborhood unnaturally quiet.  When she tries to relax, odd things start to happen and she fears someone is in the house. As in all anthologies with angry women yelling at children, you know it won't turn out well.

In story number two, Mr. Growski is a creep with a movie camera   in his living room which he uses to discretely film the women he invites to his apartment.  The segment starts with him being arrested but there is never any reason offered for his behavior or exposition regarding how he gets caught. Also why wold a woman on a blind date go to a man's apartment and agree to take off her pantyhose when he says he need them to show her a magic trick. When he gets all pouty because he only wants to do that one trick, it's a sign that something is seriously wrong here.

Story number three pits Chief Detective Toliver, the best detective in the US, against Inspector McDowal, the best in Scotland yard.  Rolling Stone has called them the world's leading criminologists and the both want to prove they are better than the other. Yes, because I always read Rolling Stone to find out who is the best at solving crimes.  

Lastly, in a world full of big mustaches, Cantwell proves that the bigger the mustache, the bigger the jerk. He is always aggravated at everyone and everything. He even disses his coworker Dan who asks him to go to lunch at a place that has 23 different kinds of hamburgers. How could he pass that up?  Wouldn't you know it, Cantwell should have gone to the hamburger joint since he ends up locked in a empty storefront which leads to injury, psychological torture, and many bottles of wine.

The has a Night Gallery feel since you know there's always going to be some nasty well deserved ending for the characters.  Also why was the original title Alien Zone?  There are no aliens in this film, and it's totally misleading.  While this was fairly pedestrian, I liked it better than Haunts.

Thrill to the sound of the theme song titled, The Sound of Goodbye, which reminds me of the Love Theme from Bog.  It contains lyrics that are totally inappropriate for a horror movie, the most memorable being in the chorus, "The saddest melody is the sound of goodbye."  How does that work into this mess of murder and morticians?

The days before only hot co-eds took showers
Old Halloween masks rule. What are those, wax teeth?
Watch for the kid that drools when he lifts his mask. 
You want my pantyhose? Nothing awkward about that. 
It's Dr. Bombay!
Cubicles of the 70s
The era of big mustaches

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Haunts (1977)

Inga lives on a farm with a goat, and sometimes has unsettling flashbacks. She's very religious and doesn't trust men, which is a good idea based on the guys in her town who are drunks, creeps, rapists, and at least one killer.  Even the local Priest is fairly unsympathetic when she asks for help in how to mentally deal with a sexual assault.  You'll be fine Inga, just pray it away.

Then there is the issue Inga's Swedish accent, which no one else has, even her Uncle Carl.  This is ridiculously explained away by stating it is due to her years at an orphanage where the staff were from overseas. So..... did all the kids at this orphanage end up with Swedish accents?

Poor Inga seems to be a magnet for psychos and perverts, what with the unwanted attention from the butcher, the new guy in town who wants to walk her home, and her creepy Uncle. Plus her sewing scissors are missing and Uncle Carl is the only person who was in the house.  Damn, what next?

When there's a murder in town, Sheriff Patterson drives out to the farm to make sure Inga has locked her windows and doors. When he asks Inga if anyone has been out to the house, she says no, which is odd since her Uncle Carl was helping around the place.

After another murder in town, Inga is attacked near her house.  She's hysterical, crying, and her clothes are dirty and disheveled.  But does Uncle Carl protect her or look outside to make sure she's safe? Nah, he just tells her she's confused and it must have been a rabbit.  Since this isn't Night of the Lepus, this lets us know that Uncle Carl is a dick.

The Sheriff isn't much help either since when she calls to report she's just been attacked, he says he'll be over the next day. He also asks if she's locked her doors, and she scurries off because she hasn't. Damn it, Inga! What the hell?!?  Waiting until the next day is an odd reaction since several women have already been murdered in this small town.  Well, doesn't the Sheriff feel stupid the next day when Inga finds a dead body in her backyard.

I didn't enjoy this one at all.  It's slow moving and most of the characters aren't likable.  The women in the film are all getting smacked around, raped, killed, and treated like they're idiots.  The men aren't  much better since they're all portrayed as uncaring jerks.  But the biggest question I have is do we really need a scene with Sheriff Patterson kneeling in front of the toilet and pulling his head out of the bowl?  His bangs are even wet. Bleeeech!

Monday, February 24, 2014

Zombie Hunter (2013)

Wow, not much of a plot in this one.  Hunter drives around killing zombies because he's filled with hate. After being shot by  other survivors, who tend to his wound once they realize he's not a zombie (which they could have figured out since he was driving a freakin' car at at the time), he ends up bunking with them since his car is a wreck.

We start with six survivors besides Hunter, but as they try to escape the zombies who are overrunning their hideout, people start dropping like flies. Danny Trejo is a bad ass preacher with a huge ax.  There is also a nice girl and her teenage brother, a sleazy girl who knows how to use a stripper pole (why would that even in the warehouse breakroom?), a stupid fat guy, and a guy I can't even remember.

The movie starts with brief mention of a drug that people shoot up, which seems to be the cause of the zombie outbreak, but it isn't really mentioned again.  There is a confusing point where a teen peruses an adult magazine and a light the color of zombie blood shines on him. Wait, so reading adult mags makes you a zombie?  What's the significance of this? Apparently nothing since it doesn't factor into the story again.

So if you like to see people running from zombies and killing zombies, without really any other plot points, and a shirtless Danny Trejo waving a huge ax, then this is the movie for you. Hmm, that actually makes it sound better than it was.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Pulse (2001)

If there's two things you can count on, it's when there's a forbidden room everyone will want to go in it and when there is a chance of being killed if you're alone, everyone will split up and wander off by themselves.

After one of their coworkers commits suicide, a group of friends reviewing a disc that he had been working on and find a view of him standing in his room in front of his computer with a ghostly face on the screen.  It's pretty damn odd and creepy.

Meanwhile college student Kawashima decides it's time to get on the internet. But when his computer connects to the net by itself and asks "do you want to meet a ghost", he understandably freaks out.  The next day he goes to the college computer lab to seek help as to what happened.

I didn't know anything about this movie except that the cover said it was the scariest film of the year and it was Asian. So that seemed like a good bet.  But I did neglect to check what year it came out, so for all I knew it could have been from the 1950s which was not so scary.  It was only when I  heard the modem connecting to the net that I went, wait a minute how old is this film?

It's got an interesting premise which involves ghosts entering our world because the place that souls end up is full. There is also the subject of loneliness and the fear of being alone.  As the populace starts disappearing, people become more alone with their fears.  Forbidden rooms - which can be identified because they are sealed with red tape around the door - are popping up all over the place, and some idiot always has to go in them.

There were some super creepy things, like a black human shaped smudge on the walls where someone died, or inside the forbidden room, or the ghosts on the internet.  But even though those were very unnerving, overall it wasn't that scary.  It had some interesting concepts, but didn't move me.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

The Driller Killer (1979)

An annoying starving artist - i.e., a guy with an over inflated sense of his own talent who is supported by others so he can concentrate on his art - hangs around with the two girls he lives with, tries to paint, has no money for his rent, and is irritated by the punk band who rented the downstairs apartment as a practice space.

His plan is to finish a massive canvas with a painting of a bull's head and sell it to a local gallery owner.  But when the owner calls bullshit on his crappy painting, our artist looses it and figures he can do better work with his power drill.  He thanks Jesus for seeing a commercial for the Porta Pack which offers electricity anywhere he goes, and commences drilling anything that bothers him.

This was pretty slow moving and had lots of filler, including  punk band Tony Coca-cola and the Roosters, which includes a scene in which they rip off the Peter Gunn Theme.  Damn, everyone into punk wore those plastic sunglasses.

There were some scenes filmed at Max's Kansas City, which is pretty cool, and there's footage of the seedy part of New York from the 1970s.  But other than that, most of the movie doesn't include any drilling or killing, and moves at a snails pace.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Ghoulies III: Ghoulies Go to College (1990)

I was very excited to find this 8 pack because its all 80s and 90s horror films, as opposed to the majority of horror packs that are new, crappy, amateur, no budget films that are pretty much unwatchable.  I was even more excited when I saw the Vestron logo on the screen. When rental stores were getting rid of their VHS tapes, I used to haunt Ebay for Vestron titles because there was a good chance it would some b-movie fun.  This one though....

This is essentially a comedy about two frats competing to win the prank crown on campus, while the Ghoulies go crazy and do evil things.  It's got all the cliches you could want, by the numbers comedy, and a few deaths thrown in.  I don't remember any blood in the entire film.

A frat boy finds an old comic and begins reading a verse out loud, which is the beginning of the spell to summon the Ghoulies, who rise out of an ornate toilet in the frat bathroom.  After a professor confiscates the comic during class, the professor ends up flipping through it one night after grading exams. While reciting the verse within, he  calls forth the Ghoulies, even though the prof is in his office and the Ghoulies toilet is in the frat house.

Instead of being scary, the puppet Ghoulies are right out of an old Three Stooges short. In fact they even do a line from the Niagara Falls routine, "Slowly I turn...."  They spout quips and you can guess the obvious punch lines even before they say them.  After makes jokes, they vandalize things on campus and the frats get blamed.

Since this is essentially a teen comedy you can expect the typical cliches, such as: a rivalry between an  uptight rich frat and a screw up frat; lots of pranks (which they refer to as yanks); a competition over a girl;  a screw up who learns what's really important in life;  a dean who hates the screw ups; the rich frat who sets up the screw ups to try to get them expelled; and all the kids like to party.

It's a silly comedy which isn't any funnier than any other average college frat comedy that came in the wake of Animal House.
Jason Scott Lee as the Asian guy who's into his stereo system
Matthew Lillard as nerd with bowtie, briefcase, and glasses strap
Patrick Labyorteaux as cool guy Mookie

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Extreme Justice (1993)

The movie starts off with the best police cliche ever when we find out that Jeff Powers is a loose cannon and Internal Affairs wants him to turn in his badge. Oh yeah!  But fortunately for him the S.I.S., a secret agency of the L.A.P.D., recruits him to join their team.

S.I.S. is lead by Dan Vaughn, who was  Powers first partner, and he's recommended Powers for the team.  Now he just has to convince the other guys that this is a good idea.  You see, Powers is a show boater and he doesn't follow the rules - which of course is why he's classified as a loose cannon - but the S.I.S. needs him to tow the line and do exactly what he's told to do. No one shall ask why they think he can actually do this since he's never done it before.

The purpose of the S.I.S. is to take repeat offenders off the street, which seems like a noble cause until we discover that the team seems to kill more of their targets than they arrest. In fact, I'm not sure if they arrest anyone. So much for being discrete.

Powers girlfriend Kelly is an annoying ace reporter who gets wind that something is not quite what it seems when the S.I.S. takes out a group of bank robbers, and there are some civilian casualties in the mix. Nosey Kelly smells a front page story and starts following Vaughn once she figures out he's in  control of the crime scene, but won't talk to her or even give her his name.

If you know action movie cliches, you know what this is going to come down to, and where Powers and Vaughn will stand regarding what's right and what's wrong.  Overall it's a fun watch, although Lou Diamond Phillips hair is so long, feathered, and puffy that it often looks like he's wearing a fur collar. And Scott Glenn has slicked back hair and a porno mustache, which put together make him look sort of like a child molester.  Also watch for the massive tan line across Glenn's forehead. I'm guessing he spent a lot of time wearing a hat or a headband, (well it was the early 90s).

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Panic (1982)

After an accident in the lab, Dr. Adams and the guinea pig disappear.  His assistants aren't concerned about Adams as he could have gone fishing. They're more concerned about the guinea pig that, due to the experimental serum, could have increased in size to be bigger than a lion.

Meanwhile there's a killer on the loose who is slashing up whoever he can get his hands on, or is it get his paws on?  Dr. Adams assistants neglect to mention the guinea pig to the police, who are too busy searching for Adams to look for the potentially giant beastie anyway.

Soon the town's phone and TV signals are cut off by the military, and everyone starts going stir crazy.  They all want out of town but there's a roadblock, and the head of the lab is making mysterious phone calls regarding eliminating the contagion since if it gets out of town no one will be safe.

Also they bring up Plan Q, which involves the total destruction of everyone and everything in the town.  Not sure how they're going to get away with that, but if your top secret experiment involves destroying an entire town as a way of containment, then you damn well better be more careful regarding lab safety.

This is one of those horror movies where there's lots of boring talk, but not much action and very little monster.  On the plus side there is a teenager wearing a cravat who is never mentioned again after his appearance, and one of the main characters is named Captain Kirk.

Ridiculous dialogue:
Captain Kirk - You're not alone, are you?
Sergeant - I'm sorry, but I only have two men under me. I'm chasing a homicidal maniac.

Friday, February 14, 2014

Monstroid: It Came from the Lake (1980)

aka Monster

Durado Cement Plant in Columbia is owned by a US corporation and disposes of it's waste in local waterways.  They try to keep it under wraps but annoying ace reporter Patty Clark is giving the company bad press by reporting on what is actually happening.  So sexist company man Mr. Barnes (who I'm pretty sure keeps  putting his hand on his secretary's ass) sends Bill Travis to check on the situation.

Meanwhile Glenn and his sister (the children of the writer/director) set out to prove they really did see a monster by bringing a camera to the beach and using sonar to call the monster.  Not the best idea, since it's a huge creature with sharp teeth, but what the heck, kids do stupid things.

The monster kills people, Glenn's hair changes length, John Carradine preaches, and Jim Mitchum wears sunglasses and a gold pendant.  All of this is surrounded by a whole lot of nothing.

The movie says it's based on a true story. Really?  If you're talking about a Columbian river being polluted by a US plant, then I'll buy it. But if you're saying that there was a huge monster and you tried to get rid of it by dragging a poor sheep filled with dynamite over the surface of the ocean, then I'll have to pass.

Ridiculous Dialogue:

"You know how they are out here - easily influenced." wife of some bigshot, who also calls the natives backwards

"...couldn't we trap it or shoot it, or blow it up?" - Bill Travis

"It's as big as a whale!" - Bill Travis, (only funny because it reminds me of Fred Schneider of the B 52's singing Love Shack)

Hey movie, why the quotation marks?
Always good to include your actors head shot in the film
Nothing awkward here
How did they even get this stuff out there?
He's no Magnum P.I.
Pete's beautiful charcoal hobo beard
They put her on the OUTSIDE of the helicopter?!
Their brilliant plan includes a helicopter and bait
Looks like Glenn grew up during the filming

Thursday, February 13, 2014

The Howling (1981)

Last weekend I was flipping through the channels when I stumbled across a film with werewolves and Dee Wallace.  Seemed like a good bet, but either the passage of time or a change in taste has left me thinking this is not as good as I remember.

Upon recommendation from her therapist, reporter Karen (who was recently stalked by a serial killer) and her husband Bill go away to the Colony for some rest.  But they've picked the wrong place to relax since the other guests are werewolves.

Wouldn't a werewolf resort be more careful about who they let in? And how could Karen and Bill not be suspicious of a place called the Colony? It sounds like a cult.

I prefer make up and special effects to CGI. The transformations  involve using bladders to make the faces pulsate which still looks cool.  The werewolf suits are dated and not all that scary, and the  werewolf at the end is more like a little dog than a beast.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Shadow People (2013)

Charlie is a Dj with a late night call in radio show whose ratings are so bad he's in danger of cancellation. One night a teenager named Jeff calls in talking of shadow people and sounding like he's all hopped up on goofballs.  After a brief conversation, Charlie decides Jeff's a loon and hangs up.

The next day Charlie finds a package on his doorstep. It's from Jeff and includes a notebook with drawings and writings about shadow people. Surprisingly Charlie is not alarmed that this kid knows where he lives.

That night Jeff calls in again to ask if he's read the information, and says if you think of them, they'll come for you.  After Jeff ends up shot, interest in Charlie's show explodes due to the injury happening while they were on the air.  Conspiracy theorists come out of the woodwork to talk to Charlie.  Even the CDC gets in on the action after multiple deaths of healthy people perk their interest.  And since Charlie is the common denominator in the Sudden Unexplained Nocturnal Death Syndrome, they begin an investigation to determine why.

Charlie insists he has proof of shadow people, but all he has is 17 year old Jeffs notebook with drawings and freak out writings, along with an old film of a sleep study.  Nope, not proof.  Also if thinking about shadow people makes them come to get you, then why aren't they all over Charlie? He's thinking and speaking aboaut them 24/7, yet he's still okay. Is he such a loser that even the shadow people don't want him?

There's nothing new about this as the cliches include: divorced dad who doesn't get along with ex and doesn't make time for kid; an ex who remarries to someone well off while dad lives in squalor; a DJ that has no listeners until he exploits a tragedy; strange things happen to conspiracy theorists; and a pivotal point where an ethical decision needs to be made but doing what's right will result in public humiliation.

Supposedly a true story with reenacted footage interspersed with interviews and archival footage of the real participants.  Yes, supposedly true, but decidely not since an internet search does not turn up any supporting documentation of this story.  The strangest thing is that my friend Tristan swears he didn't put this in his queue. So why was he sent this dvd? Shadow people shenanigans, perhaps?

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Candyman 3: Day of the Dead (1999)

Caroline, a descendent of the Candyman, decides that the best way to show Candyman was just a regular guy and not some crazy hook handed serial killer, is to do a show of his paintings at a local gallery.  Did I miss that he was a painter? I don't remember that in either of the other films.

But the gallery owner decides to play up the serial killer angle to advertise the show. So along with regular art lovers, a gang of dopey goth-punks show up to gaze in worship at the paintings because they've adopted Candyman as their patron saint of sorts.

During the opening, the gallery owner dares Caroline to call Candyman. Since Carolines goal was to show him in a human light, you'd think that she wouldn't succumb to his mediocre manipulative challenge, but she caves to the peer pressure and makes the mistake of a lifetime.

Soon Candyman is following Caroline around asking her to join him, the paintings are stolen by the dopey gang, and a cop with numerous write ups for abusive and psychotic behavior takes the case.  Unfortunately for Caroline, the racist cop likes her and gets all bent out of shape when she date Daniel, who is not a Caucasian (gasp!)

This third chapter in the Candyman saga takes place in Los Angeles, and Caroline is played by Donna D'Errico who is known for Baywatch. There is an attempt to add a creepy atmosphere by using a Day of the Dead celebration, but let's face it, that is not as scary as the first movie which took place in the Cabrini Green projects in Chicago.  In fact, it's not scary at all.

Caroline spends most of the movie shaking nervously, awkwardly puffing on a cigarette, and being accused of the slew murders that are happening all around her.  There's nothing exciting about this movie and you don't care about any of the characters.  If you're up for a Candyman movie, stick with the first one.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Candyman 2: Farewell to the Flesh (1995)

In the first Candyman movie, it seemed that Candyman was based in the projects of Chicago, since that's where the legend was based and there was a huge painting of him there.  But instead Candyman can go everywhere that there is a mirror and someone stupid enough to invoke his name five times while staring into it.  Turns out this also works with other objects, such as a silver reflective book cover which an author uses during his lecture tour for his new book on the Candyman.

Annie, who teaches art to teenagers at a public school, gets a phone call that her brother Ethan has been arrested for murder.  A bar full of people heard Ethan threaten the author, who was later found murdered in the bar's bathroom.  Even stranger, Ethan has confessed to the crime.

When Annie visits him in jail, she tells him she doesn't believe he's the killer and wonders if this connects somehow to their father's murder which was similar. In her quest to prove Ethan's innocence, she goes back to her childhood home. The mansion is abandoned, rundown, and full of squatters. It also has a creepy attic with a huge painting of the Candyman with an alter of candles in below it.  That's not really a good sign, especially when your father was found murdered in that same spot.

The students in Annie's class believe the Candyman exists and one student's drawings are all of the Candyman.  Annie decides to test the legend to prove to her class that Candyman does not exist. Not the best idea with a room full of twelve year olds, but I guess Annie's under a lot of pressure.  Well you just know this won't turn out well for Annie.

This movie also tells the backstory via a series of flashbacks. Candyman was a victim of 1800s racism, which actually makes him a sympathetic character.  Of course that doesn't justify him killing any cracker who says his name into a mirror, but you can't blame him for being vengeful.

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Deathstalker (1983)

Deathstalker roams the land, molesting women and killing people, lots of people - and he's the hero. But don't look to this big, square jawed, muscular blond jerk to do the right thing, because Deathstalker is the worst hero ever.

After saving a girl from a kidnapper, Deathstalker turns to the girl, cuts her bonds.... and takes off her top.  Say what now?  As he's having his way with her, a stranger interrupts him.  While Deathstalker asks to be left to finish his tryst, the girl slips away, leaving Deathstalker to complain about how it's not his day.

When he meets a disposed king whose daughter has been kidnapped by the wizard Munkar, the kings asks him if he will save his daughter.  But Deathstalker can't be bothered. However he becomes interested in Munkar's castle after an old witch tells says if he collects three different objects (one of which is at the castle) he will have mystical powers. Oh yeah, suddenly Deathstalker is all in.

While on the way he meets Oghris, a floppy haired hunk in a metal crop top, and Kiara, a female warrior who wears a cape and bikini bottom. Yup, that's all she wears and Deathstalker's digging it, especially since the cape usually reveals her toplessness.  In fact he's so enthralled that when she falls asleep, he takes the opportunity to have his way with her. Good god Deathstalker, why so rape-y?

In the morning, Deathstalker joins them since they are headed to Munkar's for a tournament of warriors.   Deathstalker is a warrior with a giant magical sword and the other items he seeks are at the castle.  This leads to a castle full of big meals, lots of nudity, mud wrestling,  muscular semi-clothed men, and a large pig man who eats a pig (which just seems wrong).  Plus a hilarious scene where Deathstalker holds his sword in relation to his body so that it appears that he's holding his giant, red, glowing wang.

Friday, February 7, 2014

Murder Weapon (1989)

With her hair in pig tails and books cradled in her arms, little Dawn  walks home from school and innocently drinks a big glass of milk. Is she supposed to be twelve or a super innocent teen?  Then she walks through the backyard to a bedroom with a glass wall and catches her sister having sex with a creep with a bad mullet.  This leads little Dawn to freak out, get naked and kill her sister. Then she gets in the shower with the creepy guy before killing him too. Good god, I sure hope she wasn't supposed to be twelve.

While in the loony bin, Dawn becomes best friends with another patient named Amy.  Both are told they're super messed up but manage to get released via blackmailing the psychiatrists.   Sunning by the pool, they decide to throw the best party in the world since Amy's parents are away. Again, how old are these girls supposed to be?  Because they're talking like they're teens, but the guys they invite are out of college.

The killer party consists of Amy, Dawn, and six guys they used to date.  Everyone whoops it up when they bring out the radio  -a small portable, countertop model with a single speaker.  The two girls go off with the guys they like to have sex leaving the rest of the guys sitting around by themselves. There's not much going on, but no one leaves. The guys wait for the girls to come back and sit by the pool drinking, toss the football around, or sit on the couch watching tv.

Finally someone gets their head smashed in by a murder weapon, namely a sledgehammer. After several of the guys are killed, one realizes something's going on and wants out of there. But is it an intruder or one of the partiers that's doing hte killings?

Most noteworthy thing about this film, beside Linnea Quigley, is that Eric Freeman aka Ricky "Garbage Day!" Caldwell from Silent Night Deadly Night 2, is one of the guys at the party. He doesn't overact but he has disturbingly short shorts on.

There's a ton of padding in the film, nonsensical dialogue, long scenes where people talk about uninteresting subjects, and the all guys have mullets.   The cool guy in the metal band looks like a dorky Alice Cooper and has a blue jean wedgie most of the time. There's no real plot other than guys come to a party thrown by insane girls they used to date and then they die.

Also of note is that the version on the DVD appears to be taken from a VHS tape. The picture actually gets snowy and rolls at one point. Later a blue screen comes up like when you're taping from one VHS deck to another.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Sexy Evil Genius (2013)

Three strangers find themselves in a bar waiting for Nikki, who turns out to be everyones ex-girlfriend.  While swapping stories about their past relationships and what they know about Nikki, one reveals that Nikki had been in jail for murdering her last boyfriend.

When Nikki finally shows up, she brings her new boyfriend who is also her lawyer and got her off the murder charges by pretending she was insane.  The three ex's are partly glad to see Nikki since she has some sort of charisma that makes them still care for her but they're also scared of what she's planning because she's definitely not right in the head.  As the night goes on and Nikki talks, they start thinking she may be planning to kill them.

The description of this one sounded interesting, but it wasn't what I expected. It basically takes place in a bar, other than flashbacks during their stories, and is mostly people sitting around a table talking.  Now I don't mind this if it keeps my interest, but for the most part, the characters aren't very likable, especially Nikki.

The thing that I found most interesting was the extra feature about the screenwriter, Scott Lew.  Around ten years ago he was diagnosed with ALS, also known as Lou Gehrigs disease.  It's a brutal disease that paralyzes the entire body to the point that a ventilator is required to breathe, but it doesn't affect the intellect or the senses.

The documentary called Jujitsuing Reality deals with how he writes his scripts since he is unable to move or speak, as well as his life with the disease. It's really fascinating and the guy has a great sense of humor.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

The Scenesters (2009)

Wallace Cotten, a self important artsy filmmaker in need of income takes a job as a police crime scene videographer.  When his editor Roger sees the footage, he tells Wallace that it's the worst thing he's ever shot and vows to direct him at the next murder scene.

While there they meet Charlie, a crime scene cleaner who notices some clues that the police have overlooked.  The victims are all hipsters and Charlie believes they were all killed by the same person. While the filmmakers liken him to Sherlock Holmes, Charlie tells them that he just watches a lot of CSI.

Wallace and Roger come up with an idea to help their film careers, since business has been slow.  They decide that instead of telling the police what Charlie seems to have uncovered, they will use this as an opportunity to make a documentary about Charlie solving the murders.

The exposition is offered by a voice over in a film noir style - which reminds me of the descriptive qualities of old time radio shows - and also by trial scenes where the prosecutor (played by Sherilyn Fenn) questions the filmmakers and Charlie on the stand.

It's a dark comedy and there are some funny scenes, but it's fairly uneven.

Monday, February 3, 2014

The Devil's Backbone (2001)

In the late 1930s during the Spanish Civil War, twelve year old Carlos is dropped off by his tutor at an isolated orphanage for boys without a word as to why, which is because his father has been killed in the war.  The kindly Dr. Casares tries to soften the blow by telling Carlos his stay is only temporary, and tries to make him feel comfortable in this new foreign environment.

Carlos is fascinated by the huge bomb standing upright in the courtyard, but the other children are used to it being there.  Bullied by some of the other boys and threatened by abusive caretaker Jacinto, one night Carlos sees the ghost of Santi, the boy who disappeared the night the bomb fell and whose bed Carlos now has.  No one is sure what happened to Santi, but Carlos has continued sightings of Santi and comes to believe he was murdered.

With Jacinto becoming more violent, the ghost intoning "Many will die", and the war getting nearer to the orphanage, things start falling apart for the boys and their caretakers, and soon everyone at the orphanage is at risk.

This was nicely done.  There aren't a ton of scares, but it's an effective story, creepy, and well shot.

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Stranded (2013)

After their base is hit by a meteor, Ava volunteers to repair the damage. But going to the crippled section of the base will require opening a door which will let carbon monoxide into the rest of the base.  Doc mentions that this may cause visual and auditory hallucinations, and if anyone has any to let him know.  No one shall ask who the Doctor should tell if he suffers from hallucinations.

When Ava returns to the safe part of the base, she brings a piece of the meteor which she believes has spores on it. Good god, woman!?!  Why the hell would you bring a spore ridden meteor into the base?!  Nothing good can come from this, especially when they've lost communication with Earth and there are only a total of four people on the base.

After Doc takes a sample and gets the meteor into a holding tank, he notices part of it is changing structure.  Ava decides to help Doc with his research and ends up cutting her finger on a broken test tube. So you just know she's going to be riddled with spores.

Soon Ava feels terrible and has an extended stomach resembling a late term pregnancy. But Doc thinks it's probably just a cyst. Do cysts really get that big in less than a day?  Damn it Doc! She's going to have a spore baby!

The Commander wants to isolate her but Doc says she needs care. So we get the typical conflict between the Commander who is responsible for the safety of the ship and it's crew vs. the Doc's compassion for the sick.  But one thing you can't argue about is that for a containment area, everyone  sure wanders into it a lot. There's only four people on the ship and they've gone in to talk to her or see what's happening so many times, that if she's afflicted by anything contagious, then they're already screwed.

This is fairly slow paced by the book scifi.  It's nothing new and it's similar to many other movies, and probably 1960s Star Trek plots.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Pieces (1982)

While Timmy is enjoying his time putting together a jigsaw puzzle of a naked lady, his mom walks in, commences  screeching and smacking him around.  Timmy reacts as any child would by killing his mother with an ax and blaming it on an intruder.

Forty years later, a serial killer is targeting college coeds and stealing different pieces of their bodies. The killings get rolling right along with two of them within the first ten minutes of the film. Now that's a way to start a movie.

The police decide to send an undercover officer to the campus  and assign Mary to be the girls tennis coach.  She'll be partnering with a student named Kendall, who is supposed to be a stud, but is more nerdy looking than handsome.

There are tons of nonsensical things in this film, including the ending.  It's just ridiculous.   But it does have Christopher George in it, so that's a plus.

Ridiculous dialogue-

"We don't have any more time.  Take some uppers or something."  - Detective