Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Hillside Cannibals (2006)

A group of teens head up into the mountains to go spelunking and camp outside the cave for the night. Unfortunately they chose to go spelunking (did they even bring any equipment?) right near a cave full of cannibals.

After killing or capturing all but one of the group, the cannibals thrill us with their lack of speech and limited movements.  Good god, this makes for a tough watch when most of the movie is looking at a girl wandering around alone, with the scenes only broken up by a stupid, creepy cannibals who make annoying grunting sounds.

Also of note is that this super old looking group of teens are actually of high school age which is determined when a Ranger recognizes the lone girl as the girl who ran away from her foster family.  To which she replies it's only got two months until she's 18.

Once our trusty Ranger gets her in his rangermobile and calms her down, his brilliant plan is for both of them to get out of the car and walk back to the scene of the crime, i.e. the cannibal bloodbath area.  Why wouldn't he call it in? Or if no phone, drive back to get some help?  Report it to someone. Don't just wander off into the rocks looking for the multiple murderers you're been warned about, and good god why did she willingly go with him?

This one is brutal - not for the victims but for the viewer -  and I'd recommend watching it in fast motion. You won't miss much since the cannibals don't talk anyway.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Machete Joe (2010)

Damn you, Machete Joe!  You've lied to me more than once and I demand retribution.  First, I picked you out of the discount bin, but when I got you home found I'd been charged full price. Liar!

Second, when I went back to the store to ask for the discounted price since the price sticker with the word bin was stuck over the regular price sticker, the clerk said that didn't necessarily mean it was supposed to be sold at the discount bin price.  Liar!

And third, to add injury to insult, the description (which is why I picked up this terrible thing) was written by someone who never watched the film. Damn you, you liar!

The description starts out, "A group of urban legend busters sets out to discover the mysterious truth behind a disfigured killer.... "  Really?!  Urban legend busters? I don't ever remember anyone ever busting legends.  Investigating? Sure. Trying to prove legends are real?  Yes.  But legend busting? Well that sounds, it really doesn't but I was excited to see how they bust up the old legend and what kind of wacky capers they would have.  Well the joke was on me because there isn't even a real legend, let alone any legend busting, going on in this movie.

Instead we get a story about a film crew and actors who go to this old stone house to shoot a movie.  They are told not to film in the desert because it can be dangerous, but of course they do anyway. The movie they are shooting is based on an old newspaper article about a guy who killed someone with a machete.  They call their lead character Machete Man.  But now people on the set are dying. What the heck? Is there really a machete man come back to life?  No, of course not.  Are there any urban legend busters? Of course not. Is there a secret? Well yes, and though it's been well contained for over ten years all of a sudden whoops, it's set free and running wild. Damn those secrets, always killing you when you least expect it.

Monday, October 28, 2013

Penny Dreadful (2006)

The worst self help expert in the world decides that Penny, who is afraid of cars, should go on a long drive to the mountains where years before she was in a car wreck that killed her parents.  From Penny's freak out reactions, it seems like they should have worked up to this. And this is one hell of a long ride since they start out in the day and when it's pitch black they're still driving.

As they drive along an isolated road, they accidentally hit a hitchhiker.  Counselor Orianna gets out to check on him and when she comes back tells Penny they're giving the creep a ride. It's the least they could do after they hit him with a car.  After settling in the back seat he says nothing but at one point he offers to share a skewer of raw meat with them.

His destination is a camp down a deserted overgrown road. When the car gets closer, they discover the camp is closed which causes some panic.  But our little hitcher gets out without incident, and as they peel off he waves good bye. Oh what a polite little maniac.

Less than a minute later, Orianna stops for Penny to throw up, and they discover a knife in their front tire.  Let's consider the idiocy of this turn of events.  You've just dropped off a creepy hitchhiker who was eating a skewer of fresh raw meat.  Wouldn't you refuse to pull over and tell Penny to stick her head out the window to puke? And if you did make the mistake of pulling over, only to find a big knife in your tire, wouldn't you leave it in there to avoid the air escaping? And wouldn't you push freak out Penny into the car when she said she couldn't get back in? (In Penny's mind being in a car is worse than being alone at night in the middle of the woods with a crazed maniac).

And once in the car, wouldn't you drive like a bat out of hell rather than refusing to move until Penny wipes the condensation off the back window to see if the maniac is standing behind the car?  And once you drove off and the tire became totally flat, wouldn't you keep driving - even if you were on the rim and it was throwing up sparks? Wouldn't your goal to be get the hell away from there and find civilization? Or at least put many miles between you and the maniac?

And if you decided the best point of action should be to stop so you don't damage your car,  and walk around to try to get a signal on your cell phone, wouldn't you stop walking once you connected with 911? Or would you just keep walking and lose the signal? Good god! Worst. Counselor. Ever.

Honestly, you'll get so annoyed by Penny screaming that you'll have to fast forward or mute the sound eventually. Most of the movie takes place in the car so yeah, that's real exciting.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Bloody Mary (2006)

Oh boy, another movie about Bloody Mary.  Look in the mirror, say her name, oh god why did I do that, now I'm dead.  That pretty much sums up every Bloody Mary movie you'll ever see.

But this one changes things up a little bit by adding a tunnel, an insane asylum, and a stupid detective.  Not enough of a change if you've watched any other Bloody Mary movies, unless you have a desire to see every Bloody Mary movie in existence - in which case, enjoy.

I don't know what these nursing students who work at the local asylum are doing, but one is forced to disrobe completely, go into the tunnels under the asylum, find the room with the mirror, and call Bloody Mary.

As you'd expect when you call a killer ghoul, things go horribly wrong. As the poor girl reaches up for her friends hands, she is  dragged back into the tunnel and never seen again.  Instead of reporting this or trying to get help, the girls decide to cover it up since they are afraid of psycho mean girl Jenna who says she got what she deserved.

Soon the missing girls sister, who happens to be a reporter, is in town investigating her disappearance. But luckily for the nursing students, she's working with an incredibly stupid detective who seems to think that she's trying to show him up if she has an independent thought or theory about her sisters disappearance.

When she mentions she heard her sister was playing the mirror game, the detective scoffs that it's probably some hippie thing (?!?) that has nothing to do with her sister.  When she mentions they found her sisters bracelet in the tunnels, he says it's not big deal (even though we've been told the tunnels have been closed for years and are off limits to patients and staff).  It all basically boils down to the detective going, "Oh you think you're so smart.  You're just a stupid woman. I'm a cop."

And I don't know who runs this asylum, but it's got to be the worst asylum of this century.  Patients wander around at night and unsupervised. Orderlies bargain for the rights to take advantage of the patients.  And let's talk about Scooter - when he's asked to take care of a patient, he replies "I'm on a break" and makes a call on his phone.  Oddly enough, later when Scooter decides to leave town due to fear of Bloody Mary, he gets a call asking him to come in immediately for a double shift. And all of a sudden, he can't say no (even though he says yes begrudgingly). Why is he all of a sudden responsible? He's been a tool the whole movie.

The most ridiculous part is when the Doc suddenly decides he should take care of things, even though no one suspects he has any involvement in anything going on.  It prompts numerous questions, such as:
  • Why did he he ever mention Bloody Mary? How about pleading ignorance?
  • Why did he insist on going into the tunnels?
  • Why didn't he use misdirection to point her sister to someone else? It's an asylum full of lunatics. Blame one of them and set them up. You've already got people wandering around unsupervised.
  • Why is an eyeball collection kept in a cabinet at the asylum? Shouldn't you hide that better?
  • Why didn't he let the detective leave?  The detective already stated he didn't believe the sisters theory, didn't care if the doc could find the paperwork in question, and said he couldn't wait to leave, so why not just let the guy leave? The detective is an idiot! He doesn't suspect a thing. Let him go or people will start looking for a missing detective.
Ugh, stupid movie.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

A Lure: Teen Fight Club (2010)

When a number of teenage girls disappear over a period of months, the police assign female detective  Maggie to go undercover and pose as a high school student.  The police aren't anywhere near to solving the case, but they figure she can protect the girls. But Maggie actually solves the case by getting hit in the face with a shovel and  kidnapped by a gang of freaky weirdos intent on... well the title tells you right where this one is going.  Way to go, Maggie!

Maggie was a star field hockey player so she joins the team and ticks off the popular girls. As in many high school films, the most popular girl in school humiliates and bullies her friends, and treats everyone else even worse. This begs the eternal question, why the hell is this bitch popular?

So when the popular girls ask Maggie for a ride to a rave (since none of them have a way to get to there), Maggie says sure.  Too bad no one realizes that their invitations were switched out by the creepy janitor. So the girls end up in the middle of a park where a gang of creeps eventually grabs them, and throws them in tiny cages in a barn where they'll stay until they are brought out to the ring of the teen girl fight club. Yes, it's the underground club where grown business men can bet thousands of dollars on teen girls with shock collars and lingerie. The fights last hundreds of seconds so not sure why they'd waste their money, but then again, I'm not some pathetic wretch watching a teen fight club.

The film is pretty stupid, but it looks professional.  So I guess it's got that going for it, but that's about it.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

I, Madman (1989)

Virginia works in a used bookstore and loves reading old horror pulps. The problem is when she reads them, she gets scared and has to call her detective boyfriend to come over and stay with her.  Well, I guess that's not really a problem.

After reading a book by Malcolm Brand, Virginia becomes obsessed with locating the other book he's written.  She can't find the one the store just got in an estate sale, but when she finds it  outside her apartment door, she assumes it was left there by her friend Mona who works at the store also.

Soon Virginia finds that not only is she scared of what she's reading, but she believes she is seeing the protagonist in real life.  Since he's a guy with a scarf covering his face, and a missing nose and mouth, he shouldn't be hard to identify.

Then she notices that after she reads a chapter in the book, someone she knows dies in the same manner.  As if that isn't bad enough, the ultimate goal of the protagonist is in getting the missing parts of his face, attaching them, and trying to win the heart of the girl he loves, who he believes is Virginia.

The police think Virginia is crazy and who wouldn't? So her boyfriend is totally embarrassed, especially since Virginia keeps trying to convince them there are going to be more murders and they're all committed by the same person, who has been coming into her apartment. Hooo boy, yeah, we're getting nowhere with this chick.

This is a neat little movie and the make up is decent. The sewn together face is gross and there is a claymation monster.  The scariest thing about this movie is that Virginia works in a used bookstore piled high with old highly flammable paperbacks and she smokes at work. What a nut.  

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Wages of Sin (2006)

Sue inherits an old house and invites her bryfriend and another couple to drive up to see it with her. Since there aren't any hotels in the area, they decide to sleep in the car and park right in the middle of the one lane dirt road they're on. Nice.

When they continue the drive the next day, Sue tells them that she suffered some sort of tragedy in her past that she's completely  blocked out.  Then when they stop at a nearby country store to get some supplies, they are warned that there's evil afoot at the house and they shouldn't mess around there.  Needless to say, the warning falls on deaf ears. But I'm sure everything will work out just fine. 

Since the only food they have is candy bars from the gas station, the guys are thrilled to find a freezer full of meat. Even though Sue tells them the steaks are twenty years old, the guys decide they know how to cook it to make it taste great, and they'd rather eat meat than chocolate bars.  So has the electricity been on the whole time? And even if it has, yuck! So glad they're willing to chance food poisoning rather than eat chocolate.  Sadly enough, it does not make them ill.

After a lawyer scare (where a lawyer raps on the window in the middle of the night), gives them paperwork and tells them the place has a reputation (and leaves without providing any info), the kids decide to have a seance against Sue's wishes. Nothing to worry about, even though Sue's been acting weird since they got there and she's hallucinating. 

As anyone could have guessed the seance doesn't go well, and soon the gang is running for the car. But since this is cursed land, they just keep ending up at the house, and you'll hope that they die. But it's never that easy, is it?  And so we're subjected to another half hour of misery as Sue works out her family problems with her friends, her families curse, and the ghost of a psycho preacher.  All the while her friends think, "thanks for the invite, Sue."

If there's a red light in your attic, you've either
got hookers or pure evil up there
Good god, this doesn't look good, no matter what the age.
The kids pondering the twenty year old meat.
When someone passes out at the Ouija, it's a bad sign.
Continuity blunder - it's dark outside the car....
...but it's light outside the house.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

The Citadel (2012)

While they're moving out of their apartment, Tommy witnesses a violent attack on his pregnant wife which leaves her in a coma and causes labor to be induced.

Nine months later, Tommy is still suffering from agoraphobia and flinching at the slightest sound or the sight of an unexpected visitor, especially when they are children in hoodies as that is who attacked his wife.  So I don't get the best feeling when the hospital decides it's time for Tommy to be released. He's free to take his baby back to the same neighborhood, which seems odd based on his continued trauma, and especially since he's recently had to make the decision to take his comatose wife off life support.

Tommy's afraid of his own shadow and that first night he sees and hears children outside the house. He also suspects thinks he sees them inside.  The next day a sympathetic nurse tries to help him face his fears by providing emotional support and reiterating some advice from his therapy sessions - stop looking like a victim since  fear is palpable.

But the children in hoodies seem to be everywhere, waiting to attack Tommy and anyone who knows him.  So when his baby disappears, Tommy decides he has to act and his child is more important than his fear. He enlists the help of a local man who knows where the children live and they both head out to the abandoned high rise in search of Tommy's child.

This is not your typical horror movie as it's more about atmosphere than flat out scares or gore. I liked it, but wasn't too fond of the ending.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Waxwork (1988)

A group of friends goes to a late night private party at a local wax museum that hasn't opened yet.  The group is pretty annoying, but two of them turn out to be temporarily smarter than your average bear when they decide it is too creepy to go in.

They have some drinks and then enter the museum, where they split up to look at items on their own.  Two of the four end up entering the displays and when they pass the ropes, they find themselves in the actual scene.  Tony ends up in the woods and thinks he's been dosed and must be hallucinating.  Too bad he's in the werewolf scene as soon Tony is facing a hulking wolf with no were to turn.

When Marc decides he's ready to go, he can only find Sarah as the other two friends have disappeared. When the others are still missing the next day, Marc contacts the police who aren't too keen on his theory that they disappeared in the wax museum which isn't even open for business. Oh my, whatever will they do?

I've got to be honest. I've never been a fan of Waxwork. I'm not sure if it's the anthology style of the story telling, or just that some of it creeps me out, or that the Marquis de Sade seems like an odd choice for a segment of the film. But if you like 80s horror, it's one you should probably check out. It features David Warner as the evil waxwork owner and Patrick McNee shows up near the end to fight the monsters.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Mr. Halloween (2006)

Rumor has it that the haunted house run by Bill Loomis, aka Mr. Halloween, uses real body parts for props.  But people aren't too concerned about it since everyone in town goes there on Halloween. The local teens get creeped out walking by his house in the daytime due to the legend. Well and also  Loomis's propensity for hostile posturing, angry psycho staring and an aura of intimidation. I don't know about you, but I'm not sure I'd ever go to the crazy, angry guys haunted house.

The town has the highest number of missing children in the country, but the Sheriff isn't all that concerned about reports of missing kids and does zero investigation into Loomis.  When Jason and Michael go missing after deciding to check out the haunt, one of their friends believes Loomis is behind it.  But she can't get anyone to believe her and soon she has disappeared as well.

This was supposedly made for $6000, and while it's not good, it's better than a number of other movies I've seen.  But keep in mind what I'm really saying is that in the pantheon of crap movies, this isn't as bad as others.   The sound is sometimes drowned out by noise, and scenes in the police station are echoey due to the room being mostly empty.   The acting is more like something you'd see in a high school play and the characters do some amazingly stupid things. To be fair, I think this movie was made by teenagers or people just out of high school so that would explain a lot.

Then there are the questions that come from the non-sensical plot points. If everyone in town goes to Mr. Halloween's haunted house, then why isn't anyone ever there?  Why aren't the town's parents up in arms about their small town having the most missing children in the entire country?  How can the Sheriff still be in office when he shows no concern that kids are missing, is skeptical when kids disappear, and even says one kid must have run away because his mom is a drunken whore? How come no one notices when one of the parents disappears?  Why does no one look into the rumors that Mr. Halloween is a serial killer? And why does the Sheriff spill the beans to Jill when he could just shoot Loomis in the head and the whole thing would be done? And how come Loomis can hear someone knock on a door when he's using his weirdo blood transfusion machine, but he can't wake up when someone walks noisily into the room and pours gasoline on him? And how could the deputy be so damn stupid?
This is a bad sign - he's only in the first few
minutes but his hair goes from short to long.
Is this even the same actor?
Exciting desk sitting action
Yes, this is the Sheriff's office, not an empty store front 
Evil John Cleese is not amused
The worst Sheriff in the world peruses the posters of
 missing teens from his town and is unconcerned

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Howling VI: the Freaks (1991)

How would you like to see a movie with a vampire vs. a werewolf, and it's not made for teenage girls? Sounds great, except that what you get is a a movie that's far down the Howling sequel list. So you just know it's going to be a problem.

British drifter Ian ends up in a small desert town and gets work helping the local preacher restore the church.  He stays with the family and becomes friendly with the preachers daughter Elizabeth.

When a traveling freak show comes to town, Ian and Elizabeth decide to go.  When Harker, the shows owner, sees Ian he can't put his finger on why Ian looks familiar. But after having one of the freaks trail him, Harker discovers Ian's secret and decides to make him part of the freak show.

Another Howling movie with not much werewolf in it.  There's not a lot going on in this film either.  The movie ends with a werewolf vs. vampire fight, and the vampire is ridiculous looking.  Bruce Payne is carnival owner Harker and Antonio Fargas, aka Huggy Bear, plays one of the freaks.

Friday, October 18, 2013

Howling V: The Rebirth (1989)

A vague plot about a castle re-opening after five hundred years is the basis for our fabulous Howling feature.  A small group are specially selected to go on the tour, but aren't aware that they've been carefully chosen as one of them is believed to be a werewolf.

Shortly after they arrive, a massive snow storm hits and individuals start disappearing.  Guess they should have checked a weather report since the Count and the bus driver have gotten into a fight and the bus has driven off. So everyone's trapped and a werewolf is on the loose. I hope he eats the guy with the bad haircut first.

This is similar to Agatha Christie's book, Ten Little Indians, where everyone is trapped in a house cut off from the rest of the world and one of the guests is a killer - except Christie's story didn't involve a werewolf.  There's not much werewolf in this film either, since the kills are done off screen and most of the werewolf action is glimpsed through cracks or from secret passages. So if you want to see the werewolf, you'll be severely disappointed.

It's okay, but forgettable.  All three of us had seen this movie before and two of us couldn't remember much about it. I've seen it multiple times and couldn't remember who the werewolf was.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Self Storage (2013)

Jake lives in a boat in he yard at the self storage facility where he works as a guard. One day he overhears his boss having a conversation with another guard in which he learns they'll be shutting the facility down that night and he'll be out of a job.  Angry at this turn of events, Jake invites his friends to a party at the storage locker where he has a pseudo living room.

When he short circuits the power to the electric fence so that he can let them in, an emergency auxiliary system activates in one of the storage lockers where the owner is working a black market organ harvesting operation.  For a reason that is never explained, the organ donors are all strapped to tiled walls, complete with shower heads which dispense acid that dissolves bone.  Ah yes, the one fatal flaw in their get rich quick organ harvesting plan was that they stored the donors under the acid showers.

Well what's an organ harvester to do on the night of his biggest sale ever with a buyer already on the way top pick up the now non-existent organs?  Well luckily Jack and his friends are right there, drunk, stupid and incredibly annoying, so you'll be glad to see horror favorite Michael Berryman target them.

There's a ton of padding in this movie where you're stuck watching these idiots party, and you'll absolutely hate the guy who wears his baseball cap at a rakish angle, has a charcoal hobo beard, and looks like he could be the rebel in a boy band. Also surprising is that this film was able to hire Eric Roberts as the owner.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Within the Woods (2005)

Oh damn, the clown is back?  Yup, even though this is the third installment, they didn't reference Camp Blood in the title.  Well, the good news is that Trisha, our female lead in the first two, isn't in this one.

A reality show is sending a group of college students to the sight of the murders. They must spend twenty four hours there and whoever hasn't left at the end of this time period gets to split one million dollars.

The producer has placed over a dozen cameras in the woods to film their every move. Well, at least as many moves as a dozen cameras can capture in a large wooded area. In fact it often seems like people have to randomly wander off the trail to even appear on camera. Good job, guys.

Of course it's not that easy to win the million dollars since the producer and his two person crew have set up various things to spook the kids, including someone dressed as a clown.  But oh damn, the killer clown is back and he don't take kindly to people imitating him or kids fornicating in his killing spot.  Why do kids in movies always want to have sex at the exact spot of some horrible murder? Weird. Another question is that since one of the guys has a black belt in Aikido, why can't he beat up a slow moving clown?

The contestants are annoying, the sound is inconsistent, the killers last words are drowned out by background noise, and the last scene is ridiculous. Oh ha ha, I look back so fondly on that time everyone got killed and I was trapped by the killer and would have been slaughtered except for one lucky break. Good times.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Camp Blood 2 (2000)

A year after the murder of her friends at Camp Blood, Trisha is approached by Milligan, a filmmaker who wants her to be an advisor on the movie he is making about the murders.  Trisha is a ward of the state and still locked in a padded room so it doesn't seem the best option for her mental health.  But next thing you know Trisha is released and working on the film.  No one shall question how Milligan was able to gain official custody of Trisha or why the Doctors at the asylum would release her.

On the first day of shooting, Trisha is surprised to find out that they are going to the actual sight of the murders and camping there overnight. Oh yeah, that sounds like a great idea, especially since you had to spring her from the nuthouse and police blame her for the murders. Again, no one shall question why a woman who is believed to be a mass murderer is able to get out of a mental institution.

The camera guy thinks it's funny to dress up in a clown mask and jump out at her.  The weird thing is that everyone thinks Trisha is over reacting rather than wondering why the guy is such a dick. But to be fair Trisha, or more accurately her psychiatrist, doesn't have seem to have thought this through since she's going to be seeing fake blood and a clown mask at the murder scene. Of course they don't even get through the first night without something going horribly wrong, and we're off on the murder express.

Be prepared for a recap of the first movie, more bad running by our lead actress, some strange sound effects, and an incredibly obvious killer. This might be worse than the first movie.

What a clown sees from the inside of his mask
Sight of the murder? Clown mask? Time to run.
Yeah, still need to work on that running style
The scariest thing in the movie - drawn on eyebrows 
Always good to have exposed wires and electrical
outlets in a padded cell... that isn't padded
Are we not supposed to notice that the psychiatric hospital...
...appears to be the same place she stays once released? 
No one shall ask why Trisha doesn't notice the new actress
looks just like the guide from her deadly camping trip

Monday, October 14, 2013

Camp Blood (2000)

I had heard bad things about Camp Blood, but decided to give it a try when I heard there was a Camp Blood trilogy. I don't think that was the best idea, but at least now I don't have to wonder how bad it is anymore.

Trisha and her friends decide to hire a guide and go camping in an isolated area. On the way there, they ask for directions from a guy walking in the middle of nowhere who tells them the legend of Camp Blood and warns them not to camp there.  You'd think they would put a little effort into where they went camping, but then again Jay is an angry asshole so maybe he didn't care.

Later that night, as they tell ghost stories around the fire, their guide tells them that it just happens to be the 20th anniversary of the Camp Blood massacre, and they are camped right on the very spot that it occurred.  The story is that someone came home early, caught their wife in bed with someone else, put on a clown mask, marched them both out into the woods and killed them.  No one shall ask why the killer kept a clown mask on the seat of his seat.

So now it's only a matter of time until the clown comes back and the death starts flying. The characters are either annoying or bland. Trisha runs like a middle aged soccer mom, wears baggy Mom jeans, spends half her time looking scared, and screams... over and over and over.  This one was difficult to get through.  But what I really want to know is why do women get topless for this type of movie? 

Poor paste job and odd headline font on the fake newspaper. 
Trisha wonders if this is a good place to camp.
Faces of impending doom
The sign of a low budget movie is having to hold the
machete so it doesn't fall out of your head after you die.
Get used to seeing this face. And what's up with the eyebrows?
Nobody notices the killer clown five feet to the side.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

The Bagman (2002)

Oh boy, you know you're in for a a treat as soon as you see the sad font used for the title.

Teenage Sue and her friends are picking on classmate Jack who was burned in a fire. To be clear about how unsympathetic these characters are, they are picking on a kid who survived a fire that burned his house to the ground and killed both his parents. Yes, they're tormenting an orphaned, homeless kid with skin grafts.

As they chase Jack through the woods shouting threats at him, Sue say they should leave him alone. But she doesn't do anything to stop bully Randy from putting a burlap bag over his head and killing him.  Once Jack's body disappears in the river, the gang swears to keep their murderous secret.

Ten years later, Sue is arguing with her boyfriend over her career choice and decides to move back to her home town.  No one shall ask her boyfriend is never mentioned or seen again (psst, it appears he's only in it to have an excuse for some uncomfortable sex scenes on the stove).

Sue hooks up with the old gang who act like they're still in high school.  They want to go to the cemetery after watching scary movies because it's Friday the 13th.  Then a couple disappear to have sex in the bedroom, which is awkward but you know they're going to die because that's the horror movie code.

When the old gang starts being killed by someone with bag over head, Sue tries to determine who it is - did Jack somehow survive? Is it his ghost? Or is someone else getting revenge? Unfortunately it's just a sad, sad little movie, and the Bagman on the cover is far more menacing than the actual man in the film who has a burlap bag which is a shapeless mess with holes ripped in it. So imagine that on his head and an old trench coat worn by an obese, slow walking man and you've got the killer. Oooo, isn't it scary, kids?

This font should never be used
It's so hard being a teenager.
Sue's questionable taste in decor includes a collectible 
plate collection on her wall and red bows on her lamps.
Randy may be a cop, but he's not
good at spotting men in drag.
Nice wig and mustache
Always make sure the prop guys don't use wrinkled
cardboard to make the fake machetes.
Confusion reigns as this is teenage Randy
at the beginning of the film...
...and this is teenage Randy during the flashback
at the end of the film. Huh?