Sunday, June 30, 2013

Killer Mountain (2011)

Chunky mountain climber Ward, who always sounds like he needs a lozenge, is convinced to go on a rescue mission after he discovers his ex is one of the missing.  Ward and his team arrive in Bhutan and discover there's something else going on. It's obvious the team has been on the mountain much longer than the  they'd been told. Also their guide,  the son of the man financing the expedition and the rescue, is acting pretty sketchy.

As they search for survivors from the first expedition, they discover monsters on the mountain and that the purpose of the original expedition was to locate Shambala in hopes of finding riches and healing waters. While the rescue mission are on the job, the local military start investigating home base to see what is really going on.

People continually do stupid things which would be bad enough without all the monsters on the mountain. The doctor is so useless you'll forget she's there until she gets in the way.  The rescue team climb side by side while tethered together.  When they get shots to avoid altitude sickness, the guy who doesn't like needles only takes part of a dose. And if you bring more altitude sickness medication with you, good god please distribute it among everyone so if one person loses their backpack you aren't all gong to have your brains explode.

This is a Syfy movie which means it's not very exciting or interesting, and the characters are kind of stupid and you won't care about them.  I didn't hate them enough to want them dead, but I didn't care if they don't come home.

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Deadly Instincts (1997)

aka Breeders

A meteor lands on a college campus, crashes through the Earth's crust and promptly deposits a monster plus a girl scantily clad in a revealing leather outfit. The school Principal and the police aren't quite sure what to do, so the janitor cleans up and sweeps debris into the hole left by the crash.  While doing so, he notices some shiny objects in the hole and jumps in to grab them.

Soon almost all the girls on campus are wearing pendants made out of whatever the hell he found - moon rocks? space plastic? radioactive gemstones? Whatever.  It's an all girls school so there's one hell of a lot of pendants around.

Ashley, studly professor  - and possibly only professor - on campus, hooks up with Louise, one of his students, which irritates the principal since she likes Ashley.  Ashley and Louise notice that Jack the janitor and Louises friend (who is sleeping with Jack) have disappeared. They check out the janitors room and notice some blood and a section of the wall knocked down which reveals tunnels.  With several people missing, the police suspect Ashley since each has a connection to him.

Ashley sees the space girl a few times and is fixated on her.  She says she's trying to stop the alien monster, but all she's done so far is scream for help and run away from anyone who talks to her.

Oh my god, how can this movie still have 45 minutes left?  I feel like I've been watching it for an hour and a half. I checked the time because I thought it must only have a minute or two left. Good god! I don't know how I'm going to get through this.  It's competent enough that it's not laughably bad, but it's not interesting enough to be good.  I did manage to get through it, but it's more a movie you zone out to than actively enjoy.

Friday, June 28, 2013

Ultimate Zombie Feast, Volume 2 (2012)

I hate the cover of this DVD. If it wasn't for previously seeing the cover of volume 1, and being curious about Paris By Night of the Living Dead (after seeing a trailer a few years ago), I would have bypassed this based on cover art.

This is a collection of zombie short films. The films run anywhere from a few minutes to around forty minutes in length.  Overall I enjoyed this compilation. Supposedly they are all award winning films, which is great as over an hour of poorly done home made zombie movies would be horrible to sit through.  Here's a run down:

Zombie Harvest (2003) UK
A scientist is hunted by the military after going AWOL and ends up on a farm where he has a run in with a cow.  Things don't work out well for the scientist, the military, the farmer or the cow.  This comedy was hit or miss.  The 911 call over the end credits was pretty funny, as well as the cow repeatedly kicking the scientist.  Otherwise the humor fell flat.

The Skin of Your Teeth (2009) USA
A group of friends hole up in a small farm house in the middle of a field. There is a green house and a huge barn also on the property. Two of the men have just arrived and advise the others to stay away from the cities as the conditions are worse there. The occasional zombie staggers by, but they are worried that more will show up.

This looks like it was done on a video camera with no post production.  The cinematography is not as good as most of the other films. The ending bugs  me.  It seems like they could have planned better.  There's a huge barn, so why not make a safe room in there? Is there a loft that you could only reach by ladder? Then you could pull it up so the zombies couldn't reach you. Also why do the zombie dead need to be hidden under a tarp?

Zomblies (2010) UK
A group of soldiers are lost outside The Wall and have requested help as they are being attacked by zombies. A rescue team is sent to find them, while a doctor inside the facility has her own reasons for sending help, which doesn't include being concerned with getting them home safe. While I wasn't that fond of this one, it is well done and looks nice.

ZombieWestern: It Came From the West (2007) Denmark
A zombie puppet short film? Yes, and these are some ugly puppets, but not scary.  Also was it just my dvd, or is the sound supposed to be synced about ten seconds ahead of the action? It wasn't that way on any other of the films, so I'm not sure if that was something to do with spaghetti westerns and their dubbing or a problem.

Indians bring the dead back to life after being terrorized by the Dark Butcher. When a zombie goes into the saloon, he runs into Virgil, who is a disappointment to his father and is being teased by some cowboys.  Virgil ends up with a gun and the zombie defense begins. I love the title sequence with the zombie silhouettes and white marble eyes.  Good idea, but I wasn't that interested, which I'm sure was partly due to the sound being off.

Paris By Night of the Living Dead (2009)  France
A couple is besieged by zombies at their wedding ceremony.  The newlyweds run outside and find they need to fight for their lives during a zombie invasion.  The dialogue is in French, but once the zombies arrive, there is only a line or two more.  So even if you don't speak the language, it's obvious that they've taken their vows which include till death do us part. The film looks great and the cinematography is nicely done.

Savages (2008) India
The box says this is the first zombie film from India. I have no idea if that's true. Shot with a hand held camera, a group of friends celebrating one guys birthday decide to go to an abandoned village that was previously used for a secret government research project.  As young people do, they ignore the warning of the cab driver, the Biohazard sign on the entrance, and the Poison warning sign further down the path. They decide to stay the night at a home where a lantern is burning but no one is around.  That night Raj is bitten by something and gets ill. Later a stranger warns them there is danger and that they need to leave their friend as he is just going to get worse.  But again, the warning is ignored. You know this isn't going to go well.  There's not a lot of zombies or action in this film, but it was okay. This is the longest film on the dvd.

Dead Hungry (2009) UK
Nicely done comedy about a hungry zombie looking for brains.  He's sort of a sad sack who can't get anything right. Even the other zombies push him around.  The cinematography is well done and the humor works well.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Kids Go to the Woods... Kids Get Dead (2012)

Casey and her friends head up to a cabin in the woods for the weekend. It's her birthday and they're planning on partying.  Casey is required to bring her younger brother Scott along, much to the annoyance of the other males on the trip who want to hook up with the girls, including his sister.

Meanwhile a killer with no back story is murdering people who go into the woods.  The local convenience store owner warns the kids to go home and avoid the woods. But the kids ignore him and the police want him to keep quiet.

Scott is reading a book by the same name as the movie, which is slasher fiction.  As people start disappearing, everything seems to parallel what Scott reads in his book.  I wonder what would happen if he stopped reading it.

In trying to make the experience like watching horror movies on late night TV, the movie is interrupted by a horror host and fake TV commercials. But instead of it being nostalgic or enjoyable, it stopped the flow of the movie and was really annoying.

Based on the title I thought this would be a movie similar to Scream or other horror satires.  While the movie is often self aware due to it's character who is into horror movies, it's not funny or clever as I hoped it would be.  It's just your average slasher flick, nothing more.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Dark Heritage (1989)

I saw this movie years ago and the only thing I remembered about it is the title was misspelled Drak Heritage. When you can't even spell your title correctly, it doesn't bode well for the film itself.

Reporter Clint is sent to an abandoned mansion after people at a nearby campsite are murdered.  Legend has it that there have been unsolved deaths associated with the house for over 100 years and that there is lighting seen before disappearances or death takes place.  This doesn't really explain the connection to the massacre five miles away, but whatever.

When Clint and a couple other people working for the paper stay overnight at the mansion, the other two disappear and Clint runs off in fright.  The police think he killed the others and the newspaper puts him on leave with a warning to drop the story.

But of course Clint wants to know more and ends up meeting two parapsychology grad students while doing research.  The three team up to investigate the campsite where the murders took place. While there, lightening starts and they decide to wait out the storm in the murder camper.  That works out as well as expected when one of the grad students dies.

This leads to the most ridiculous part of the movie when Clint says they need to bury the Greg, the dead guy, as the police already suspect him of murdering the other people at the mansion. Really? Jack was friends with Greg and was a witness to the fact that Clint didn't have anything to do with the death. But in the end, Jack ends up agreeing!?! Come on!! Nothing suspicious about burying the dead guy you didn't kill.

Then the movie switches to investigating the Dansen's owners of the mansion. One of them  disappeared in 1821. But he's got a grave so explain that. They decide to dig up the grave to see if he's in it. Say what?  Seems like a weird thing to do, but it does lead the story to the only spooky stuff that happens.  Even though it appears to be a rubber mask, there is something that totally freaks me out about seeing that face in the underground tunnel.

This is based off a Lovecraft story, Lurking Fear. I'd suggest reading Lovecraft rather than watching this.  The sound is constantly distorting as if the needles are redlining rather than checking their volumes during recording. Also though the release date is listed as 1989, it looks like it was possibly done earlier.

It's not a good sign when you misspell the title of your movie.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Tell Me No Lies (2001)

aka The Midnight Hour

The description said a college student trys to track down her sisters killer. There was no dvd cover shown. But we decided to watch it because there was a photo of a woman with a leopard print cowboy hat and it made us laugh.

As the movie started, we noted that the woman looked way too old to be a college student and had a porn look.  Good prediction as the first five minutes involve a woman surprised by her boyfriend in the woods. The couples goes into her apartment, her clothes come off and he presses his face against her body for five awkward minutes. Then there's a flash and she's dead.

Next thing you know it's day and there are police in the apartment stating there's been a murder. Oh joy, the only kill in the first thirty minutes happens off screen. Yeah, this doesn't bode well.

Alex is a way too old college student moving into an apartment with other college students. This  includes the girl who shows her to her room and creepily touches Alex on the shoulder.  Bad touch! If the description hadn't stated Alex moved back to find her sisters killer, I wouldn't have had any idea that's what was going on. Maybe they explained it more later.

DJ Alex wears a huge leopard print cowboy hat and begins working at a radio station doing a late night talk show using a sexy voice, being all philosophical, and giving advice to callers.  But when a weirdo calls and thinks she's making fun of him, he says he'll kill her just like the other girl.

This movie looks like someone in the porn industry tried to do a mainstream movie.  There was sex before the credits and of the first thirty minutes, probably 15-20 of them were boring sex scenes.

To sum up - wooden acting, long pointless sex scenes, and appears that all home scenes were filmed in the same house. We could only get through the first thirty minutes of it.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Ice Spiders (2007)

Patrick Mudoon must insist on having Spiders in all his movies. Yesterday it was Spiders and today it's Ice Spiders.

Muldoon is Dash, a former Olympic skier whose ski accident  shattered his leg and ended his Olympic dreams.  Now he's a ski instructor at a resort where a high school team of Olympic hopefuls come to work on their skiing.

Unfortunately they picked the one ski resort that's right next to  a super secret government laboratory which is experimenting with spiders for defense purposes. (Upon hearing that, my first thought was spiders are going to fight our battles for us. But instead they mean to use their webs as it is the strongest fiber on Earth.)  The problem is the spiders have escaped and they're all out of food.

Oh lordy, what now? It's time for the crack rescue squad of military to save the day, except they're not so much interested in rescuing people as they are in saving the spiders for further research.

Ridiculous dialogue-

"Giant spiders with roid rage. That's a nice experiment, doc." - Dash

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Spiders (2013)

When a piece of a space station falls to Earth, it brings with it space spiders which is unfortunate since it crashes into the New York subway system.  Jason, who works for the New York Transit system, is on the case.  He sends an investigator to look into what happened, but the man is bitten a spider and dies.  At first it's believed that he died by touching the third rail, but the autopsy reveals he's ripe with spider eggs. Blech!

Jason's ex-wife Rachel just happens to be an annoying, psycho-eyed, whiny, angry Health Department worker. So Jason asks her to examine the eggs, which he got from the Doctor doing the autopsy.  No one shall ask why a forensic doctor would give evidence from an autopsy to a guy who works for the subway, but I guess we're not supposed to question that.

Rachel and her vacant expression confirm to Jason that the eggs are of the spider variety. Unknown to them both, the military and Russian scientist involved in spider experiments are cordoning off the neighborhood where Rachel's apartment is and their daughter is inside.

With spiders on the loose, things start getting bad. People stream out of the subway screaming because there are dead rats on the platform...wait, I'm not buying it. I don't believe they would shut down the subway or that New Yorkers would run away from rats. It's freakin' New York. They ride rats like horses, not run from them.

Now it's a different story when a load of  over sized spiders swarm an exterminator, eat him, and are immune to pesticides sprayed directly on them. Yeah, you'd better scream and run from those spiders.

Oh movie, you're so average.  If this isn't a Syfy movie, then it's the same caliber.  Rachel is the worst. She's either screaming, crying, or bitching - except for when she has a vacant look on her face which makes her look psychotic since she's just staring blankly when people are talking to her. Perhaps she's trying to convey an emotion of... concern?  Also watch for the scene where Jason's hair gets bigger.  The conversation went like this: Me- "Did his hair just get bigger?"  Tristan - "Wait, he's not wearing a hat?"

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Chernobyl Diaries (2012)

Chris, his girlfriend Natalie, and their friend Amanda go to Russia to visit Chris's older brother, Paul.   Paul just met Yuri, an Extreme Tour guide, who can take them on a tour of Pripyat, the town next to Chernobyl. Hurrah! Let's tour the radioactive death trap!

Also on the tour are Zoe and Michael who have been traveling through Europe. Everything is fun and games - or as much as it can be at the scene of a town that was abandoned due to a tragic  nuclear reactor meltdown - until they get back to their van to find the wires have been destroyed.

How did this happen? Does someone want to do them harm?  Could it have been some kind of animal? Those would be the normal questions people would ask. But as night falls the group  just talks about whose fault it is that they're stuck in the radioactive abandoned town.

The nearest checkpoint is 13 miles away and Yuri states it is not safe to go out at night. So you know it's not going to end well when Yuri wanders off into the dark with a gun and Chris follows. Soon Yuri has disappeared, and Chris is going into shock from his badly injured, profusely bleeding leg.  Natalie feels it's time to state the obvious and says Chris needs to go a hospital right away. Really?

Since Chris can't walk, the next day some of the gang decide to hoof it back to the checkpoint for help. They stumble upon a parking lot full of cars and find the exact cables that will fit their van. Hurrah!  They hurry back to the van.... well, they said they were going right back to the van, but it was light out and now it's pitch black. What the hell?  Just another in the bad line of decisions these idiots make. Or maybe it's just a problem with continuity.

The kids in this movie are the stupidest tourists ever. They ask stupid questions and do stupid things. Here's an example of their lack of cranial functioning:
  • I'll go on the extreme tour as long as it's safe. (I guess they don't know what extreme means.)
  • We paid to see the town so you'd better get us in there, (said after Yuri is denied entry at the checkpoint which is strange since he's never been denied entry before)
  • Why is it so quiet here? (Yes because usually the abandoned radioactive town would be bustling.)
  • Yesterday I thought I saw a C.H.U.D. in the window of one of the buildings. I think I have a photo of it but it didn't seem important enough to mention.
  • Keeping the light on in the van so whatever destroyed the wires can see us them
  • Keeping the light on in the van when trying to see what's outside in the pitch dark
  • Kicking the van windows as a method of fighting off the dogs when the windows are the only things protecting you from said dogs
  • Tenderly approaching the little weird kid in the middle of an abandoned radioactive town after something/someone has killed your tour guide.
Now you just know this isn't going to end well. But I guess they should be happy as this definitely  qualifies as an extreme tour.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Raiders of the Living Dead (1986)

A mess of a movie involving a reporter looking for a story who discovers science gone wrong and zombies, and a teenager who invents a laser weapon and kills a hamster.

Reporter Randall limps down the road after being chased away from a story. After seeing him hit by a truck he tried to flag down, Shelly stops her car.  At first it looks like Shelly is trying to steal his wallet, but she helps him to his feet, brings him home, cleans him up and feeds him.

Then Randall rents a room at a rooming house while carrying a shotgun wrapped in brown paper, which you'd think would make the landlady think twice, but she doesn't seem to notice it.  He has no other luggage so it's really obvious.

Argh!  Closet zombie!  How'd it get up to the top floor of the boarding house without being seen?  Oh man, damn those tricky closets.  Randall runs away, but doesn't warn his land lady that there's a zombie in the house.  Not cool, Randall, not cool.

Meanwhile teenage Johnathan destroys his grandpa's laser disc player, while using it to build a laser weapon.  In the process, he kills a hamster and intrigues his friend Michelle. The surprising thing is that it actually works.

Eventually Randall and Johnathan team up to fight the reanimated corpses using arrows and the laser.  The laser blasts were made by scratching the film, which is pretty cool, but primitive, special effects. Johnathan is played by Scott Schwartz, who played Flick and got his tongue stuck to a metal flag pole in A Christmas Story.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunters (2013)

Witches, who look like a Norwegian Death Metal band, begin kidnapping children from a small village. The over zealous Sheriff wants to kill anyone suspected of being a witch. But this is temporarily halted when the Mayor hires famous witch hunters, Hansel and Gretel.

Hansel and Gretel think there is something more sinister going on due to the unusually high number of children taken from one area.  After capturing the witch who looks a bit like a goth Eddie Izzard, they figure out that there will soon be a blood moon and  the witches intend some sort of ritual using 6 boys and 6 girls.

For famous witch hunters, Hansel and Gretel don't seem to be the best at their job.  They get dragged through the woods or get injured frequently. Once they get the witches within their clutches, their proclivity to speak instead of act, gives the witches time to escape or make a break for it, causing more potential for more injuries. Get it together, kids!  Stop being so lax in your methods.

This is a pretty ridiculous movie, but at times it's fun because it's so ridiculous.  There are some cool effects, such as when the Troll crushes or lops off some heads.  The movie is almost in a no mans land as far as who it's intended for - it's a bit violent for a kids fairy tale but it's a bit stupid for adults.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Quarantine 2: Terminal (2011)

A plane flying out of Los Angeles ends up having to make an emergency landing after a fat guy goes nutzoid and attacks other passengers.  When the plane rolls up to the gate, the passengers disembark to find the terminal locked.

An airport employee gets them into the baggage area, but the doors to the terminal are locked in there as well.  Soon they discover that the airport is in quarantine and the guy on the plane has more than a mental problem.

We have plenty of stereotypical characters - little kid traveling on his own, pregnant lady, entitled asshole, scaredy cat who becomes the leader when the chips are down, etc.

It's an okay movie. There's a claustrophobic feeling of being in a warehouse with no way out. It's interesting that they decided to take their own path instead of following in the footsteps of Rec 2.  Ultimately I prefer Rec 2 to this one, but it's okay. And if they ever came out with Quarantine 3, I'd watch it.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Mimesis (2013)

Some fans at a horror convention are invited to a party later that night.  It's an exclusive party that is hush hush and by invitation only.  After following directions, they end up at an isolated farm in the middle of nowhere.

The next morning the attendees wake up dressed in different clothing and in different places.  After an attack on two of the party goers by what appears to be a zombie, they end up at an old farmhouse where others are already in hiding. No one knows what's going on or who they can trust.

One guy realizes their experience is paralleling the movie, Night of the Living Dead, right down to their clothing, characters, and farm house location.  That's a shame since none of the characters from the film made it out alive. As the shambling zombie attack commences, our small group tries to figure out what's going on and how to make it out alive.

When I saw the trailer for this and heard the synopsis, it sounded like it had the potential to be really good.  Unfortunately it didn't live up to it's potential.  I expected something really clever since all the characters were supposed to be a horror fans and they somehow ended up in the father of all zombie movies. But it was just average. I suppose there's nothing wrong with being average, but I expected more.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Nudist Shorts (1920s - 1960s)

Well, I mentioned the Beast That Killed Women DVD a week or so ago.  I figured I'd mention the extras since I'm never going to search out nudist films and they're really odd.  Plus there are far more gorillas in these than you would expect, considering that I would expect none.

According to these movies, nudists do the following things: leap frog; jump rope; mini golf; swing; horseback ride; greco roman wrestling; ping pong; volleyball; lie in hammocks; badminton; dive; model fur; horseshoes; ride hobby horses; march in a chorus line; dance with gorillas; get manhandled by gorillas; fencing; laundry; outdoor showering; chess; barbeque; picnic; and rock climbing.

Bring 'Em Back Nude (1920s)
A woman who is house sitting finds a note stating, "I'm on a trip to Africa, make yourself at home." So  she immediately disrobes, puts on a shear dress, and begins to read the five year diary the owner left on the end table. What could be more comfortable than that? There's jungle footage, a native guide in a top hat and good god, here comes the guy in the gorilla suit.  I guess it was all a dream, but who's that grinning man standing over her?  Well at least he's not a gorilla. This is a silent film.

Exposure on the Nudist Racket (1938)
There's a narrator who let's us know that nudists do not tolerate judgement of beauty or attractiveness. Faces or features may not be ideal, but it's okay as not everyone looks good with clothes on either. Well that sounds pretty judgemental. And  if they don't judge people then why does our narrator keep insulting Fanny, an obese woman? There's lots of judgement here.  Thrill as you see nudists do a large variety of athletic events, including horseback ride, greco roman wrestling (your nuts are exposed), and leap frog, ewww!

Nude Ranch (1940s)
Nudist ladies dressed as cowboys - hat, neckerchief, boots, apron - ride hobby horses, play badminton, ping pong, horseshoes, watch chickens, and sing dumb songs.

Beauty and the Beast
Uh oh, it's gorilla time again. A veil wearing chick dancing on stage is manhandled by a gorilla for most of this short. Ugh, stop touching her, you damn dirty ape.  Now she's naked except for strange  underwear, high heels, and a pine cone sticking out of her crotch. Ugh. I'm not sure what's more disturbing, her outfit or the gorilla.

Back to Nature (1956)
If you want to see what nudists do for fun, this is the film for you. In this washed out color short, nudists are... oh my god they're fencing!!  Of all the stupid things to do naked, fencing has got to be up there.  This is just nudists doing stuff - naked outdoor showering, chess, swinging, bbq'ing, picnicking, eating dinner and rock climbing.

Nudist Fashion Show (1960s)
Chicks with high 1960s hair model furs while naked. So yup, it's naked fur wearing. I really hope they aren't planning on selling those coats. I don't want to buy anything new that had someones naked butt on it.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Bad Kids Go to Hell (2012)

A bunch of kids end up in Saturday detention at a private school that was built on an old Indian burial ground.  The kids are locked in the library by the guidance counselor and so begins our horror version of the Breakfast Club - the difference being that instead of the kids all bonding and finding out they really aren't all that different from each other, they are all jerks with no redeeming value. Oh. So I guess they do have something in common.

Matthew, who is not on the detention list, convinces the guidance counselor that he should serve his detention on Saturday rather than during the week.  This is some sort of grand F.U. from Matthew since he's been expelled.  I'm not really sure how that pays back the school, but whatever.

In flashbacks we see that he has been blamed for multiple accidents and tackling other students. In reality he was knocking them flat to keep them from harm as the accidents were purposeful tricks done by other students. Needless to say, the Principal (played by Judd Nelson) is not amused.

There are some funny scenes, including one where the Principal repeatedly chastises Matthew for picking on the retarded kid in the wheelchair while the kid keeps going, "I'm not retarded!"

It's fairly standard horror and sometimes seems a bit long. I guess it's supposed to be a satire, but it doesn't deliver on that front.

Watch for the scene with the crutch used as an instrument of death as the crutch ends up midget height. Is that intentional comedy, or just a bad prop? I have no idea, which is too bad since it's not good when you can't tell if something is supposed to be comedic or if it was hoped the change in size wouldn't be noticed.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Full Moon High (1981)

Teenage Tony goes on vacation with his family to Romania and is bitten by a werewolf.  Once he returns to the US, he starts nipping at women's hinders which naturally freaks people out. Seems better than killing and eating them, but it still causes him to leave town.

Tony wanders around the country and around twenty years later ends up back in his hometown. He hasn't aged a day since high school, so he's mistaken for his own son.  He goes back to school in hopes of winning the championship, which he missed out on as a teen due to that pesky werewolf thing. Not that he's not still a wolf, but somehow it works for him and the kids love him.

This was made before Teen Wolf. Wonder if they got their ideas here since Tony is a werewolf on the football team and also does a werewolf dance. Hmmmm.

This spoof on werewolf movies has jokes that are really dated (they probably weren't even funny in 1982), but it does have some charm. It's not a great movie by any means, but it was kind of fun.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Scream 4 (2011)

Sidney comes back to her hometown on the tenth anniversary of the killings to do a signing for her new book.  Her teenage cousin Jill doesn't really care since she hasn't seen Sidney in years. But Jill's friends and the high school film club are impressed - other than one of the friends who refers to Sidney as the angel of death since everywhere she goes someone dies.

Now that she's back in town, the Ghostface killer reappears and starts killling following the same pattern as the original murders. No one is safe as he's after Sidney and wants to take out a bunch of kids before he gets her.

This isn't anything different than any other slasher. Yes, there are the film club geeks who talk about updated rules for slashers, but overall it's just another horror film.  It's okay, but it wasn't all that clever and wouldn't make me want to watch it again.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

The Slaughterhouse Massacre (2005)

This film is so disjointed and full of padding that we couldn't make it through it. No, let's correct that statement. I watch plenty of movies that make no sense and are full of padding. This was just plain uninteresting.

A young couple goes to a slaughterhouse to have sex because the girl says it turns her on to do it where defenseless animals are killed. Yeah.... might be time to find a new girlfriend. What type of freak wants to have sex there?

Even though it's lit and obviously an active workplace, the two  idiots wander in, and eventually start doing it in the chicken killing room on the wet floor. I'm sure they'll fine. There's no type of bacteria you can get from raw chickens, geesh!

Ten years later unlikeable college students at the lamest party ever blather on and pad the film with the legend of the slaughterhouse haunting.  The chicken worker, named Sickle, was supposedly killed the night the couple went there to have sex.  He'd sexually assaulted a girl and since the law didn't do anything about it, Sickle is hung by her boyfriend and his friends. But he fell into the chicken dunking water when the rope broke and was resurrected... somehow... electrically. Why does this make me think there should be a sequel,  Slaughterhouse 2: Electric Boogaloo?

The footage of the young couple who go to the slaughterhouse to have sex is repeated within the first thirty minutes. It's confusing since now we're told Sickle was already dead when they go there.  But the earlier footage cut between the couple walking through the slaughterhouse and Sickle smacking the chicken carcasses around which made it appear he was alive and fine.

I couldn't figure out if the characters were supposed to be in high school or college. They look way too old for either, but since they referred to the school grounds as a campus, I am guessing they were supposed to be college students.

Check your camera work, people.  Due to the way the beheading scene was shot, it appears as if the  head floats up to the ceiling rather than fall to the floor.  Just because you find an angle artistic doesn't mean it will translate well to the audience.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Pleasures of the Damned (2005)

Netflix streaming didn't even have a cover for this one.  How bad must this be if there isn't even a cover?  The only reason we clicked on this is that it was late, we were really tired, and Michelle sometimes picks awful movies.  Surprisingly it turned out to be pretty funny.

Keep in mind that we were super tired and that may have contributed to our hysterical laughter. So take this opinion with a grain of salt, perhaps if I watched it wide awake, I wouldn't think it was so funny.

There are also jokes so bad they will make you groan, as well as  lots of humor that seems to set the bar at what a fifteen year old would think is funny.  So at first we thought the comedy was not  funny, but then we started giggling.

The movie is supposedly a long lost print of a lat 1970s film that has never been shown.   It includes the following: intentionally bad dubbing; wooden acting; monotones even when emotion is required; tons of obviously horrible wigs; outfits with glitter; shoulder pads so big that it is necessary to turn sideways to get through through doors; bad foley (for example, a gunshot sounds when a slingshot is used); a cliched plot; multiple characters obviously played by a single actor, plus multiple actors playing one character.  All of these are a big recommendation for this film as it makes it so ridiculous.

Jack Steele, a private investigator, helps Evelyn in an attempt to get her brother Tommy out of a devil cult run by bikers.  But Tommy's been brainwashed and doesn't want to leave.  The cult, called the Children of Love,  initiate new members by sexually assaulting them, (even though they're all men). So yeah, that's not funny. Although they are a biker gang, we never see any motorcycles but we do see them ride in a car.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Jack the Giant Killer (2013)

On his 18th birthday, a friend of Jack's father shows up to give Jack a small package from his father.  Jack's dad disappeared before he was born and his mom and stepdad say the friend is crazy. They're also way too grabby as they keep trying to get the package away from Jack. Geez, it's his 18th birthday. Give the kid a break and let him have his lame little gift.

When Jack opens it, he finds a couple of large beans. After staring at them a while, he throws them into a field.  The next day he discovers a bean stalk which is the talk of the town.  But he discovers this is no ordinary beanstalk when a tendril grabs him, and he and the beanstalk shoot up into the clouds. He  awakens to the sight of dinosaurs and a flying castle.  It sounds so much better than it is.

The beanstalks are finicky. Only the person who planted them can climb them.  Plus they disintegrate within a few hours, something that Jacks' father should have told him when Jack discovers him in the flying castle.  Dad is the same age as when he left.

Okay, the flying castle is kind of neat, but why does it run on coal and how does it even move based on the minuscule amount of coal that powers the forge?

And then there's the matter of the beans. I could have sworn Jack received two beans and threw them both into the field.  But later the girl with him (not sure if it's his sister or friend) plants a bean, and at the end we see Jack has another one.  Are they asexually reproducing, self replicating beans, or is this an oversight? And if Dad is leaving his son beans, how about a note?  It may have been nice to give Jack a clue as to why you're giving them to him.

As for the rest, the police are right out of a Monty Python sketch. The robot suit Jack builds doesn't protect his head. Who wants to fight dinosaurs in a metal suit that exposes your cranium? And what time period does this take place in? There's WWI army uniforms but Jack's motorcycle isn't that old and neither is his leather jacket.

And why is Jack building a robot in his barn?  Well, it's robotic but he gets inside it, and guides it with his overly exposed skull, ready for a proper crushing.  Also does Jack kill any giants in this movie? No. Are there any giants in this movie? No. We're left with dinosaurs and an evil lady who wants to rule the planet with her dinosaur army. Bah!

Saturday, June 8, 2013

The Beast That Killed Women (1965)

Dolores bemoans the fact that she can't get an all over tan so her husband Byron takes her to a nudist camp. Well I guess that's one solution.  Unfortunately he's taken her to the one nudist camp in the country where a gorilla on the loose breaks in and kills someone.

The police show up and ask questions, but don't really get anywhere.  Eventually they figure out it might be an animal and use a police woman as a gorilla decoy.  They put her in a hut and tell her, "Don't worry about a thing. We'll be in the next hut with guns." But when she's attacked, it takes them awhile to figure out something's going on, even though she's screaming and they're waiting for her to be attacked.

For a nudist camp, there are plenty of clothed people.  Those who are nude play volleyball (basically just gently throwing the ball over the net without jumping), shuffleboard, and square dance.  The nudists only show their hindquarters and chests.

There are silly scenes involving a woman whose afraid of the top bunk, another who isn't afraid of being killed as it couldn't happen more than once, some girls who do stupid old comedy routines that will make you want to pull out your hair,  a gorilla who jumps out of a hut to throw a Byron into the lake, and a coke machine which appears to dispense milk (it certainly doesn't look like Coke). Oddly enough when Byron goes to the hospital, his wife stays at the camp and never visits him. Guess there's no sense in wasting overall tan time when you've paid for it.

Also of note, every naked chick in camp seems to traipse through the woods on a non-existent path while cartoon music plays. Plus get set for five exciting minutes of the police walking around while the soundtrack is a bunch of kids yelling and playing, or dogs barking, or geese honking. I kept waiting to see what that infernal racket was, but it's not even relevant. Damn you, movie!

Poorly written dialogue-
  • "I just looked out the window and I saw an ambulance coming downstairs."

Friday, June 7, 2013

Evil Awakening (2003)

As soon as I saw the first shot, I knew I was in trouble. It looks like a home movie.

Obnoxious a-hole Sam is suffering from road rage and runs down an old man on the way to his friend Geno's apartment. Sam tells Geno that someone's gone into the Cochwoods (pronounced Cockwoods) to use their body as an amusement park and accidentally brought the Cochwoods Monster back to life.  Why anyone would go into the woods to do that, I have no idea.

The police don't believe in the Monster and think Geno was responsible for the previous murders in the woods.  So when the monster returns and there are more deaths,  Geno is questioned by the police. And then some kids decide to throw a party in the woods. Uh oh, that can't be good.

This is essentially a home movie made on a consumer grade camera.  There are bad wigs, amateur makeup, Halloween masks,  the audio seems to be recorded with the on camera mic, the night scenes are too dark to see what's going on, and the dialogue is often too low to hear.

The comedy, such as it is, is from things like having the news channel 69. If you cut out the swearing, you'd be missing at least half the dialogue.  Geno plays both himself and Sam's father, which is really disconcerting.  There's a list of FU's at the end of the movie which make the filmmakers sound really bitter.

So I decided to listen to some of the commentary and was surprised to find that the filmmakers not only seem nice enough, but they also appear to understand the shortcomings of the movie. At one point someone mentions a joke, referring to it as funny and another guy says "... if you're 8 years old."

The extras include the original short film made in 1996, which I couldn't get through. It's unwatchable to anyone except friends and family, but how cool would it be to have a movie of the stuff you wrote as a teen.  I used to write plays with my friends. It was before camcorders, and I didn't know anyone who had super 8 or anything else. But if we had recorded our scripts, they would have been just as terrible, but it would be funny as hell to watch later.

Is this an old man mask or did they draw on his face?
Filmed in an apartment.
Find the killer and the victim in this picture.
Bad wig ahoy.
Just when you thought he couldn't be less appealing,
he ramps up the repulsion level. 
Is it Geno or is it Sam's dad? 
Low rent Andy Richter joins Geno and Sam on
their quest for the ultimate party...
...and stumbles upon this questionable gathering.
Your killer, Ladies and Gentlemen.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Sars Wars: Bangkok Zombie Crisis (2004)

The Sars virus arrives in Thailand via an insect inadvertently brought over from Africa. A man is stung by the insect, goes home and infects others in his apartment building.  But this virus doesn't give people the flu, it turns them into zombies.

Coincidentally a wealthy business mans daughter has been kidnapped by a transvestite that lives in the building.  Rather than call the police, he asks an old friend who's a master swordsman to rescue his daughter. As he was recently injured, the swordsman sends his top student, not realizing that the building is also infested with zombies.

Once the student gets stuck in the building fighting zombies, he requests help from his master.  There's also something called the Stop Virus Bullet which they use to stop the zombies from moving, essentially freezing them.

This is a weird movie, but what else would you expect from an Asian zombie movie? It can be gross, funny, and sometimes boring. Also prepare yourself for some really lame jokes that might be enjoyed by fifteen year old. Overall it's average as it's quality isn't consistent. Some parts I enjoyed, other parts I didn't.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Scalps (1983)

A group of archaeology students go into the desert to do a dig and are warned not to dig in an Indian graveyard, so you know they're going to ignore that bit of advice.

On their way to the desert, an old Indian warns them to stay away from the Black Trees, which they promptly find and enter. Good god man! You're going to ignore two warnings?  Stupid archaeology students, you should know better.

One student is possessed by the spirit of Black Claw which leaves the others to be massacred by said spirit. Why don't kids ever listen?

This is a Fred Olen Ray movie, which tells you a lot of what you need to know. It's low budget and slow paced.  There are scenes where it switches from night to day to night again.

There is an anamatronic lion head on someone in the desert. Why?  No idea. There is also an Indian that has a monster face, but a normal body.  Eventually the movie degenerates into lots of running at night, which isn't the easiest to see.

Ridiculous dialogue:
  • "There's evil in the ground!  It's alive with evil!"
  • "Look!"  "It's blood..."  "... and it's coming from nowhere."

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Night Shadow (1989)

Newswoman Alex returns to her hometown for a vacation unaware that a werewolf has followed her.  Shortly after she arrives, a series of murders grips the town in fear and the coroner discovers that the victims appear to have been killed by a large animal with fangs.

This is a pretty slow movie. You'd think with a werewolf it would have some excitement. Nope. No excitement here. But you do get big 80s hair, a Deputy with Devo hair, a young Kato Kaelin with a mullet, and men in crop tops.  Remember when those were fashionable?  Yikes!  This is the worst crop top I've ever seen. It appears to be a cut off wife beater which makes him look like he's wearing a bra.  Good god man, didn't anyone realize?

Monday, June 3, 2013

Nightscare (1994)

aka Beyond Bedlam

A doctor trying to cure sociopaths by experimenting on  neurotransmitters develops a serum, injects herself with it, and has brain altering nightmares. But since she's scheduled an injection for her sociopath test subject and doesn't want to admit there may be side effects, she declares it safe. Oh yeah, bad idea there, lady.

People in her building die. She has nightmares. She has daymares.  Her boyfriend starts having strange dreams.  The sociopath looks at her funny. There are dreams within dreams and it's just plain confusing. Is this a dream or is it real?  Don't know. Don't care. This movie just goes on and on, and you'll be glad when it's over. Stupid self-testing doctor, you'll get no pity from me.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Blood Rayne: The Third Reich (2010)

Half human, half vampire Rayne fights Nazi's in World War II, starting by releasing the human cargo en route to the death camps and slaughtering the Nazi's.  Nazi commander Brand accidentally gets turned into a vampire, but that's just part of the collateral damage that occurs when Rayne and freedom fighters show up at the same place at the same time.

Unfortunately Brand decides that he should use Raynes blood to make Hitler immortal.  So while Rayne's hunting him, the Nazi's are hunting her, complete with Clint Howard doing a bad Peter Lorre imitation. He may not have been trying to do Lorre, but that's what it sounds like.

You'd think Nazi's and vampires would mean something fun and exciting would occur. You'd be dead wrong.  It's pretty slow moving and the dialogue is awkward.  Also there are ridiculous sex scenes, including one of a freedom fighter and Rayne getting it on while being transported to a concentration camp.  Because nothing says arousal like a trip to the gas chamber.

Ridiculous dialogue:
  • "He's not just a vampire, Rayne.  Now he's a vampire with an entire German army behind him."
  • "Enough!  You told me. You assured me... that you would help me heal.  You gave me your assurances."

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Beverly Hills Vamp (1989)

Oh god oh jesus oh god oh jesus.  If there's one thing I can't stand it's a bad comedy.  This one was so painful none of us could get through it, even though it has our favorite geek Eddie Deezen as one of the leads.  Tim Conway Jr. is another lead. So with this type of star power, you know it's not top notch writing.

Three friends go to Hollywood to meet with a producer they hope will like their script. While in the land of movies, they decide to visit a brothel to have some fun. Kyle isn't interested because he's faithful to his girlfriend back home.  The other two are only concerned about getting lucky.  But Kyle knows something is horribly wrong when his buddies  never come back to their motel. Wouldn't you know it, the girls are vampires and now Kyle is the only one who can save his friends.

If you can make it through this one, I give you credit.  It's brutally unfunny and the corny jokes are right out of vaudeville.