Friday, May 31, 2013

Mutants (2008)

Braylon, owner of the Just Rite Sugar company hires Russian  scientist Sergei to make their sugar more addicting than caffeine and cocaine combined.  Sergei has a crappy accent like something out of Rocky and Bullwinkle. Every time he spoke I kept waiting for him to say something about Moose and Squirrel.

In an unprecedented bad hiring decision by Braylon, Sergei made the sugar so addicting that people end up turning into crazed, screeching killers who are totally hopped up on goofballs - and those are the mild side effects. The sugar also causes a skin affliction that on highly infected subjects appears to be bubbly skin and on the recently infected seems to be kernels of corn glued to their epidermis.  No one shall ask how this is supposed to increase the companies profits.

Secretary Erin starts getting messages from an unknown person who goes by the alias Cinderella.  The mystery person sends her info on the companies experiments at Shadow Rock which is an old mill, and later sends a photo of her brother Ryan who disappeared without a trace.

Erin brings this to her Dad, a chain smoking drunk who has been useless since her mother died and Ryan went missing.  Dad's the head of security at Just Rite and he gets right on the case.  Erin dresses like an expendable crewman from the original Star Trek and appears to be an age similar age to her Dad.  This makes things kind of confusing as if you miss that it's her Dad, you think he's her boyfriend.

The most ridiculous part of the movie is when the good guys are trying to escape the warehouse which is in lock down.  In order to get out they need to walk through the Reject Ward where the most violent prisoners are held. Wait! What kind of safety system is that?  That's the worst thought out escape route ever!

Although Michael Ironsides and Steven Bauer  are prominently named on the cover, they are hardly in the movie. They essentially bookend the film, and once their initial scenes are done, you'll forget they're in the movie until they show up again near the end. I'm wondering if they were added later to try to make sense of this mess, especially since Bauer isn't ever in a scene with anyone else in the movie.

Ridiculous dialogue -
They refer to where they get their test subjects as, "bums, druggies, ex-cons, illegals and the such..."

So they're experimenting on mimes?
Heading out to Eden -  why, wardrobe department, why?
All I can think of is expendable crewman on Star Trek. 
I can't trust a research facility that uses
masking tape to label their doors.
You've got some corn on your arm.

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