Friday, May 31, 2013

Mutants (2008)

Braylon, owner of the Just Rite Sugar company hires Russian  scientist Sergei to make their sugar more addicting than caffeine and cocaine combined.  Sergei has a crappy accent like something out of Rocky and Bullwinkle. Every time he spoke I kept waiting for him to say something about Moose and Squirrel.

In an unprecedented bad hiring decision by Braylon, Sergei made the sugar so addicting that people end up turning into crazed, screeching killers who are totally hopped up on goofballs - and those are the mild side effects. The sugar also causes a skin affliction that on highly infected subjects appears to be bubbly skin and on the recently infected seems to be kernels of corn glued to their epidermis.  No one shall ask how this is supposed to increase the companies profits.

Secretary Erin starts getting messages from an unknown person who goes by the alias Cinderella.  The mystery person sends her info on the companies experiments at Shadow Rock which is an old mill, and later sends a photo of her brother Ryan who disappeared without a trace.

Erin brings this to her Dad, a chain smoking drunk who has been useless since her mother died and Ryan went missing.  Dad's the head of security at Just Rite and he gets right on the case.  Erin dresses like an expendable crewman from the original Star Trek and appears to be an age similar age to her Dad.  This makes things kind of confusing as if you miss that it's her Dad, you think he's her boyfriend.

The most ridiculous part of the movie is when the good guys are trying to escape the warehouse which is in lock down.  In order to get out they need to walk through the Reject Ward where the most violent prisoners are held. Wait! What kind of safety system is that?  That's the worst thought out escape route ever!

Although Michael Ironsides and Steven Bauer  are prominently named on the cover, they are hardly in the movie. They essentially bookend the film, and once their initial scenes are done, you'll forget they're in the movie until they show up again near the end. I'm wondering if they were added later to try to make sense of this mess, especially since Bauer isn't ever in a scene with anyone else in the movie.

Ridiculous dialogue -
They refer to where they get their test subjects as, "bums, druggies, ex-cons, illegals and the such..."

So they're experimenting on mimes?
Heading out to Eden -  why, wardrobe department, why?
All I can think of is expendable crewman on Star Trek. 
I can't trust a research facility that uses
masking tape to label their doors.
You've got some corn on your arm.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Blood Dinner (1987)

Brothers Michael and George dig up their Uncle Anwar, steal his brain, and revive it.  They keep the brain in the back of their vegetarian cafe where they serve meals made from human bodies.  As children, the brothers were brainwashed by Anwar  and want to help him resurrect the goddess Sheetar.

Anwar informs them they must construct the goddess from body parts of women of questionable character. Once this task is completed, they can bring her to life by sacrificing a virgin at a Lumerian blood buffet.

The best death is the rough looking lady who is battered and then has her head deep fried.  She pops out of the fryer with what appears to be a donut hole for a head and staggers around the restaurant.

There's another amusing scene where George is driving the van and listening to strange music. He runs over a biker, but sees in the rear view that he's still walking.  He backs up and tries again. The guys still not dead. He keeps running him over repeatedly and enjoying every second of it.

Michael is the smart brother while George is a bit off. George likes wrestling and decides to take on wrestler Jimmy Hitler at the local ring on the night of the blood buffet.

There's mind control, murder, music played by a band of Hitler look-a-likes in white face, and one of the zombies is Jared Chandler whose claim to semi-fame is he was one of the New Monkees, (the 1980s remake of the 1960s show).  He has a pompadour and as he eats the gross intestine soup, his make up gets rubbed off around his mouth.

Even with all this going on, I was a bit bored sometimes.  It's essentially an updated remake of Blood Feast.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Cutting Class (1989)

After being released from a mental hospital, Brian Woods is back at school. Brian was locked up for a few years after being convicted of cutting the brake lines on his fathers car.  Brian says he's not a killer, which the kids at school have no chance of ever believing due to Brian being super creepy with a bad haircut.

Paula is the object of Brian's creepy affection.  She's dating Dwight, played by a baby faced Brad Pitt, who is a member of the  basketball team and something of a rebel.  Dwight and Brian used to be best friends. But Dwight isn't interested in hanging out with him anymore, especially since Brian always seems to be stalking his girlfriend. Oh and there was that insane killer thing also.

When people at school start dying, Brian is the obvious suspect but he insists he's innocent.  So is it Dwight, the pervy principal (played by the always fantastic Roddy McDowell), the creepy janitor, or a stranger who just happened to pick this high school where a recently released crazy killer has been sent back into society to try to get along with his peers who think he's a freak? There are twists and turns throughout this standard slasher.

There's nothing special unless you want to watch a young Brad Pitt or Donovan's creepy eyed stare.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Piranha Piranha (1972)

With double the piranha in the title, you'd think there'd be a whole hell of a lot of killer fish in it.  But you would be wrong because there's none. None piranha.  Oh there's a mention of deadly piranha... once.  And when someone falls into the water in the last ten minutes of the movie, there is something that might be a fish in the churning brown water.  But that's all you're gonna get.

The basic story is Terry, who has a photography grant, and her brother Art, who wants to see diamond mines, go to South America and hire Jim as a guide.  While at a bar, they meet Caribe, a hunter who isn't to be trusted.

Most of the movie is padding.  There are scenes of birds flying, the cast riding motorbikes, jungle scenery and animals, bike racing, fighting, and diamond mining.  Then repeat for more padding.

There is no dialogue in at least half the movie. When there is dialogue you'll be wishing they were saying something interesting.  You won't care about the characters so when Caribe, aka the piranha, turns nasty, you're left thinking "well at least I don't have to hear any more boring dialogue from that person."

Monday, May 27, 2013

Memorial Day (1999)

In honor of Memorial Day, I thought I'd watch this.  It really could have been called anything, but it's the only movie I can think of that references this holiday.

Rachel and her annoying friends head up to the lake for the weekend.  Her friends decide they should go to the lake where Rachel's adopted brother died three years ago so Rachel can get over it.  But they want to be sensitive about it so they take her to the opposite side of the lake.

Rachel feels guilty that she couldn't help her brother. But her boyfriend Leo keeps telling her it wasn't her fault. She was asleep and her friends were out on the the lake and drunk.  So it was a horrible accident and stop with the guilt already and get ready to party.

While everyone is telling stories around the campfire, idiot Seth goes back to the cabin to catch Letterman on his portable TV.  As he's trying to get reception, he sees a news story about two of their friends who have been murdered. Guess that explains why they never showed up.

Seth stumbles back to the group and tells them the news and the killings begin.  Is it one of their own?  Is it someone else lurking in the woods?  Why does the killer wear a paper mache mask?  Where'd he pick up the old guy with the tie?  Why are innocent people being killed even though the killer is out for revenge?  Why the obvious plot holes? You probably won't care because the acting isn't that great and the ending is pretty lame.

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Fear Island (2009)

A group of friends go to an island for a weekend of partying.  A girl they didn't invite and don't really know shows up. But do they turn her away?  Nope, come on in, strange chick.

Soon people are dying. Is it the strange chick? An unknown mystery person hiding on the island?  The creepy caretaker?  One of the friends there to party? Who? What? How?

Told by the only survivor whose face is too big for her head - it's not from an accident or anything that happened, but the more you stare at her, the more all you can see is her massive face.

The detective and doctor argue about whether she's the killer or has amnesia.  The psychiatrist says she's in shock but the detective doesn't buy it. Then he hears her story and starts to feel sorry for the sad little big faced girl, while the psychiatrist starts thinking there are some holes in her story. Oh my! Don't they know how to solve a crime?  You've got to work together people.

It's cliched and you won't care about the characters. It's made for TV so if you're looking for lots of blood, you won't find it here.

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Alien Armageddon (2011)

Aliens called the Nephilim attack and the President surrenders.  The aliens build a wall outside Los Angeles to keep prisoners in and the resistance out.

Jodie is a mother looking for her daughter who has been taken by the aliens.  Cowboy is a man who does a bad Sam Elliot imitation. They both hate aliens and both end up captured and in the same cell.

The Niphilim are running out of food on their planet.  So they've come to Earth to replenish their supply. The problem is they're cannibals. So they need to impregnate women to get a food source that shares their DNA.  Good god, aliens! There's a fine line between clever and stupid.

This movie makes you realize what a difference there is between a good movie with a well written script and competent acting, and movies like this.  And you can't blame the budget as this actually has a bigger budget than a lot of crappy movies I've seen.

The special effects are on overload, and that's not a good thing.

Friday, May 24, 2013

Woodchipper Massacre (1989)

When their father goes on a business trip, Aunt Tess comes to stay with Jon, Tom, and Denise.  Tess is an unpleasant woman and the kids are not happy to be stuck with her.  When Tess is accidentally stabbed and killed, the kids panic and instead of calling for help, they decide the best option is to make use of the rented wood chipper.

This is a shot on VHS movie. According to the extras (which you need to watch), the movie cost $400 (rental of the wood chipper and some post-production editing), plus the cost of the camera, which was a consumer grade video camera.  The soundtrack appears to have been done on a Casio, the background noise is often louder than the dialogue, and there is some ambient noise/hiss which I assume is from using the on camera mic.

The acting is right out of community theater, which funnily enough is confirmed in an interview in the extras.  Denise screams every single one of her lines, and Tom is just as bad.  They are definitely projecting to the back of the theater. Normally subtle actions are much bigger than life, such as eye rolls.

The interviews in the Extras are really interesting.  Tom actually went on to write for television and won a daytime Emmy.  Denise is able to laugh about how horrible she was, and about how she agonized to pick out just the right outfits to wear, which now she thinks are ridiculous.  The actor who plays the father states the film was one of the most amateur things he's ever done because it seemed like they decided to make a movie since they had a camera.  He's "surprised it's still getting attention. I'm sure it's not all positive."

But the cool thing about it is that everyone talks about how much fun they had.  Plus surprisingly, the movie actually managed to get distribution and end up in Mom and Pop video stores across the country.

I liked this.  It's laughably funny.  Also, massacre is an over statement as only two people actually end up in the woodchipper.

Playing to the back row? They forgot it wasn't Community Theater.
Damn, look at that horrible haircut.  Geek or
Bruce Foxton from The Jam?
Yup, it's a woodchipper.
Basic comedy
Never look at the camera.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Rodentz (2001)

Lab assistant Walter is helping Professor Irwin with his experiments, which involve injecting something brightly colored into rats.  The Professor's lab is in an old building off campus, which doesn't bode well for his ethics or the validity of his research.

When Walter dumps some chemicals down the drain (really, Walter?), the liquid leaks from the pipes onto the floor in the basement. This is unfortunate since some rodent escapees just happen to be in the cellar and get into the leak.

All hell breaks loose as herds of CGI rats pour out of the walls every time someone goes into the basement, and chase the guys  until they overtake him and chow down on him.  Well, actually it's just real rats meandering around on people, but the running mass is CGI.  None of it looks all that threatening.

A van full of Walters stupid friends show up and push their way into the building after Walters girlfriend distracts him. Yeah, that's right - it's party time.  But when they discover one of Walters subjects has muscled his way through the bars and run off, Walter refuses to have fun until they've found the escapee.

The group splits up to look for the rat, with each group going to a different floor. Yeah.... keep in mind that they're looking for a freakin' rat in a four story building. This ought to be easy.

Surprisingly they not only find the herd of rats but also a mutant 300 pound human sized rat, which is really a guy is a mangy looking rat costume which probably looks worse than I thought since it's really hard to get a good look at it.

Also not sure if they realized this but a giant rat on top of a van trying to kill a human just looks like an an exterminators truck when driving down the road.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Greystone Park (2012)

I don't know why I watch these crappy found footage movies. They're all the same and generally involve idiots wandering around a place they damn well shouldn't be. Yet for some reason I feel drawn to them - even though I hate them. I guess I keep hoping one will be good.

After meeting Alex at a dinner party where everyone talks about ghosts, Sean and his girlfriend Antonella decide to accompany Alex to the Greystone Asylum which is supposed to be haunted.  Oh kids, don't you know you should never go to an abandoned asylum with an idiot, especially one you just met. It's a bad idea.

The building still has electricity. Rooms on multiple floors are lit up and hallways tend to have flickering overhead lights. So is it really abandoned?  Because usually empty buildings don't leave their lights on.

They wander around, get lost, do stupid things, aren't quiet in the least even though they fear being discovered by security, hear noises, get scared, and speak uninteresting dialogue in the dark.

Sometimes Alex scares them, Antonella keeps wandering off, and Sean repeats her name so many times you'll hate it by the end of the film.  Sometimes they get possessed but they just look weird so it's no big deal.  They scream, the camera goes haywire, it's so dark you can't really see, and the camera is so close to the action that it isn't scary in the slightest.

To sum up - three idiots enter an abandoned asylum. Nothing happens until they disappear. The End. Oliver Stone has a cameo since he's Sean Stone's father. He also plays his father in the film.

Stupidest dialogue:
Alex - "If you see Devil worshippers, do NOT talk to them."

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (2007)

Johnny Depp and Tim Burton team up again to bring us the musical, Sweeney Todd, about falsely imprisoned barber Benjamin Barker who decides to take revenge after his release, targeting those responsible for sending him to prison.

Barker returns to town as Sweeney Todd and visits his old home in hopes of finding his wife and daughter.  Instead he finds Mrs. Lovett, owner of a shop that specializes in meat pies.

After calling out a traveling salesman/barber named Pirellis who is plying the crowd with questionable elixir, Todd wins a quick shave contest against him.  Mrs. Lovett suggests Todd open a barber shop in the space above her shop, which works into Todd's plan for vengeance.

When Pirellis shows up and tries to blackmail him because he knows Todd is really Barker, Todd decides the only option is murder.  Mrs. Lovett, who is looking after Pirelli's young ward, is horrified at the murder, but then considers this a viable option to the meat she's been using since it's expensive.  Good god!

It's a good story, the acting is excellent, and the sets look fantastic. The cinematography was nicely done and I liked the overall feel of it. I also discovered I don't particularly like musicals and found myself wanting to fast forward through the songs (but I didn't.)  I can deal with musicals like Oliver (1960s version of Oliver Twist starring Jack Wild) or Grease, but overall it's not my thing.  That being said, I still liked this as it was well done.

And how can you not like a movie with Johnny Depp slitting peoples throats, and pulling a lever on his barber chair which unceremoniously tilts back the chair and dumps the victim into the basement. Gross and cool at the same time.

Monday, May 20, 2013

Sideshow (2000)

Two teenage couples and ones younger brother in a wheelchair go to the carnival and forget the first rule of carnivals - never mess with the carnies.  They can fuck you up bad.

After treating the midget ringmaster like a doll, the group receives passes to the freak show and goes to a fortune teller who tells them they will get what they desire and what they deserve.  But you know those damn carnies aren't going to give them their desires without a catch, and since some of the kids are jerks we aren't going to care.

The freak show is pretty freaky. The kids in the wheelchair keeps explaining how things can be done with makeup, but even he starts getting creeped out and then one of the girls runs off. Second rule of carnivals - if a midget recommends a shortcut out of the carnival for fifty cents, it's not going to work out well for you.

I'm not a Full Moon fan, but this was okay.  There's nothing really scary about it, but you know the kids are going to get what they deserve, which is fine with me.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

The Paperboy (2012)

Why did I rent this? I think it was the classic car, but that's a terrible reason to rent a movie, especially when the car is only incidental. Maybe I thought the synopsis was interesting.  Well it was interesting, but it was also depressing, had an overall disturbing feel and most of the characters are unlikeable.

Jack is a swimming star who was expelled from college after pulling a prank. He spends his time bumming around his parents house in a small town in the rural south in the late 1960s. His mother left when he was young and his father is dating an unlikeable, annoying women. Jack is closest with Anita, the hired help, who is telling this story to a reporter.

Older brother Ward returns to town with writing partner Yardley to look into the murder conviction of Hillary van Wetter, creepily played by John Cusack who with his wild hair is inching into Nic Cage territory. Luckily it's only in the looks, not the acting department.

Ward and Yardley were contacted by prisoner groupie Charlotte, who believes that Hillary is her true love since he wants something different from her than all the other prisoners. Charlotte writes to many prisoners and, due to her love of a man she's never met or spoken to, is convinced that Hillary is innocent of the murder of the Sheriff.

The movie is dark and touches on racism and is over all unsettling.  The acting is really good. A surprise is Zac Efron who holds his own with the others. While the film looks good and the acting is good, the overall feel is disturbing and left me feeling icky.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Shakma (1990)

Dr. Sorenson and his students work with animals, and by work with, I mean mess them up experimentally.  They also play something referred to as The Game which involves walkie talkies, a lame computer program, tracking devices, keys, a princess, a nemesis, and the professor as the gamemaster (which sometimes sounds like they're saying gaymaster which takes on a whole other connotation of the game). Honestly, I have no idea what the hell the point of this game, but they're all excited about it.

They've decided to play in the school, which is six stories high. The professor locks all the exits so no one else can get in and his helper sets up all the clues, scrolls, and hidden items that can help the players win the game.

The building has a laboratory and operating room in it.  That afternoon after an operation baboon  Shakma attacked one of the students. Dr. Sorenson decides Shakma must be down since he's gotten aggressive.  But Sam, who has a special relationship with the baboon, mistakenly grabs the wrong medicine since he's too busy discussing The Game. Oh yeah, always good to inject the crazy primate with a drug that will make him even more insane.

When the game starts, Dr. Sorenson sits in an office with the state of the art, (in other words primitive), computer program and tracks everyones movements. He's got six walkies each labeled with a piece of  tape with a players name.

As the players start wandering around trying to find clues and requesting permission to enter rooms, Shakma wakes up from his near death experience and becomes a killing machine. The lunatic is bouncing off walls and ripping peoples faces off. Oh no, he's not well.

The freakin' thing is hurling itself at doors and flying at the camera. What the hell?  Did they film this somewhere where they let you harm animals?   I don't ever want to be alone with a baboon. This thing  could definitely rip your head off if he got his damn dirty ape hands on you.

Once Sam and his girlfriend Tracy discover that his beloved Shakma isn't dead, but is a killer primate, things start getting stupid. You'd think the first thing they'd do is go to a Shakma-free floor, but they keep splitting up and trying to distract him. Damn it! Go to a different floor and find a phone.  Call for help then find your friends. Or if you're going to split up, then one of you look for your friends and the other look for help.

They ramp up the idiot factor when they think it's a viable option to get help by pushing silverware out of a vent on the 3rd floor and trying to hit a car below.  And what kind of building has a vent over the window, but no glass?

Our high tech computer program to track the players
Surprisingly enough, this creepy guy is not a child predator

Friday, May 17, 2013

The Varrow Mission (1978)

aka Teen Alien

It's Halloween, which means time for the local Spook Alley competition where groups of teenagers compete to make the best haunted attraction.  Every year the same rival group wins, so Carl manages to get the key to the old mill which has been abandoned for years and is rumored to be haunted.

Carl and his friends go to the mill to set up their Spook Alley. Their rivals follow to figure out what they are doing.  Strange things happen at the mill and the kids discover it's not haunted.  There's an alien there.

So... if the aliens mission is to take over the world by killing humans one by one, and he's been in the old mill for years, either he's really inept or it's not such a good plan.

Um... he's an alien from a far away plent with a machine that can make him look like any human, but he can't get through a chain link fence?

Oh yea, it's the 1970s - feathered hair on boys and girls, stilted acting, knee high boots on a boy, and it was legal for kids to ride in the back of picking up trucks and sit on the sides of the truck bed.  The music is moog, keyboard, needle drop and when I heard the closing theme, I joking thought "Love Theme From the Varrow Mission." Aaaaand that's actually what it was called.

The alien has 8x10 glossies on the wall of his lab. The lab is actually pretty cool and there are some nice special effects, especially considering the limited budget this film had.

This is long and slow paced, and sometimes tedious, but I liked it. I think it's a nostalgia thing, especially since in the 70s movies actually required money and effort, unlike now when anyone with a camera and computer can put out their own movie.

Accoring to info on IMDB by someone who worked on the film, it was made in Salt Lake City.  There was a radio contest to pick the teenaged cast, and the kids made the sets, did the make up and their mothers made the costumes.

Someone got a haircut
The days when parents didn't worry about brain
injuries and kids rode in the back of pick up trucks
The abandoned building for the Spook Alley.
The good kids
The bad kids - you can tell tell due to their arrogant
posturing. Plus this is the only guy I've ever seen
who wears his pants tucked into his boots.
Good god!  
Hey is this part of our Halloween display?

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Decoys (2004)

Freshmen Luke and Roger meet a couple of girls in the dorm laundry room and hope to lose their virginity with them later that week at the Sorority party. When Luke goes to the girls room to return some quarters, he ends up tentacles coming out of their chests.

He tries to warn Roger that something is not right with these girls, but honestly, who's going to believe his story? Especially if you're a college freshman looking to lose your virginity.

Meanwhile men are being found dead on campus.  The deceased all have the same thing in common - their insides are frozen. Luke starts investigating the women and thinks they may be responsible for the deaths.  Everyone else thinks he's nuts.

The movie starts out as horror and scifi, but then deviates into a  love story interlude which culminates in a super sad singer-songwriter song during a death scene. It's weird and so out of place.

Also odd is the relationship between Luke and an older law woman.  I'm not sure how old she's supposed to be, but Luke is a freshman so he's only 18 or 19, and she is probably around 40.  So that's kind of creepy.  When the hell were they supposed to be dating?

Based on the cover I thought this would be super low budget and terrible. But it was good enough for me to decide to check out the sequel.  The one thing I'm not sure of is perhaps it seemed better than it actually is since I was expecting total crap.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Autopsy (2008)

Five friends crash their car on an isolated road after a night of partying at Mardi Gras.  An ambulance just happens to show up after they discover they've hit a man wearing a hospital gown.  The ambulance transports them to the nearest hospital.

The ER is oddly quiet which the Nurse explains is due to budget cuts which caused them to lay off many of the staff.  While that might explain the dearth of activity where they are, the entire hospital seems to be deserted.

When they are directed to their exam rooms - which oddly  enough are three floors up and down the hall - they see no signs of life on their way there.  Also there is no doctor waiting or any noise from other rooms.  Yet none are suspicious.

Ultimately it's kind of boring, plus how can I not take issue with the scene where the phone in the ER rings and one of the girls answers it because the RN is away. Argh!!  What? Why!? It's the Emergency Room!  You don't answer the phone.  What is wrong with you?

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Passed the Door to Darkness (2008)

A serial killer is setting booby traps to kill his victims.  The killer sets up the trap and when the victims loved ones open the door, kapow. Not only is your family member dead, but you unknowingly caused it by opening the door.  Brutal.

Malloy, a new detective in homicide is assigned to the case. He's working with Mac, an old detective that he looks up to and has requested as his partner for this assignment.

Mac's wife was killed when she went into a liquor store to buy some beer for his drunken ass. So Mac feels guilty and responsible for her death. He is estranged from his daughter Laura. Blah blah blah, stereotypical plot point.

The killer has a hat just like the older detective. No one else in the film has a hat. Oversight or red herring?

Sometimes when they speak, the last word or words echo. It's super annoying. Stop the echoing!!

Honestly when I saw the title, I thought for sure they had misspelled Past as Passed.  Such as "we walked past the door to darkness." But the final lines in the film does start, "Strange, is it not, that of the myriads who before us passed the door of darkness through...."  Sadly enough, this makes me dislike this film more. At least there could have been a horrible mistake in the title to provide some amusement.

Ridiculous dialogue:

"You don't want to damage any evidence we could use to catch this bastard... Drop the head."

Monday, May 13, 2013 (2001)

A reality show puts seven girls in a dorm that has 45 cameras and broadcasts 24 hours per day.  The girls must spend a minimum of 12 hours per day in the house and take 3 showers per day.  Losers and teenage boys can subscribe to the live web feed and line the pockets of the producer and girls with cash.

When two girls die in the house, the others wonder the deaths were accidents or if something more sinister is going on. Um, so if there are cameras everywhere, why not check the footage?  No one thinks of it.

After the deaths, producer Manny brings Breanna in join the girls. The housemates aren't happy about their new roommate but Manny says the show is how they make money so shut up.

Some of the subscribers seem to be a little on the gay side, which makes no sense, and there is even an old lady subscriber.  They all root for their favorites and it's kind of creepy.

There are tons of plot holes, including the issue mentioned before where cameras are on 24 hours a day, but no one saw the accidents and the set up of the accidents.

There's also a hilarious scene where one of the girls hears a spooky voice over the computer and to get away from it, she shuts off the monitor. Yeaaaah, that's right. Just the monitor, not the computer. Also Breanna goes into the house to do some undercover work and if often talking into a micro cassette recorder. Yup, nothing suspicious about that.

Also if you think the fact that Breanna knows sign language won't come up again as a key plot point, you'd be seriously mistaken.  This is pretty tough to watch.

Ridiculous Dialogue:

"I wish I could live there. Yeah, work it baby." - said in lifeless monotone by loser subscriber with effeminate voice

Sunday, May 12, 2013

The Fun Park (2007)

Bobo the crazy murderous clown escapes from jail and gets a job at a fun park 18 miles away.  Seems like the obvious place to look for a killer clown, but oh well.

The park is closed, but our intrepid teens decide to take a detour on their road trip and sneak in.  When they're caught by security, the guard lets them go and threatens not to return.  He also states, "No ones been around here since 27 years now since they closed it down."  So, it's been closed 27 years?  Then why is the electricity still on in the arcade?  And why are the video games and pinball machines plugged in, working and free from dust?

After they drive off, they realize they left their camera in the arcade.  One suggests they find the guard since he told them not to come back.  The others think it will be quicker to just go in  and find the camera. It works out about as well as you'd expect.

You'd think they'd be quiet while sneaking in, but nope.  Also it should be easy to find their camera since there is a light source on it, but nope.  And you'd think they'd notice their friend was still inside the arcade when they shut the door, but nope.

Of course, kids will be kids and killer clowns will be killers. And they're on a collision course with wackiness, which in this case turns out to be tied up in the basement, mouths taped shut, and wearing a Bobo tshirt.  Yeah, it's not wacky at all. In fact, it gets annoying and tedious as there seems to be twenty minutes without dialogue where the killer looks at them, moves around slowly and contemplates his next task.

Oh and if your boyfriend is being murdered and you get free, please help the freakin' guy before you stop to take the tape of your mouth, and remove your Bobo tshirt!  Seriously? Shouldn't you be more concerned about someone elses life than your appearance?

It says this is based on a true story, but since there isn't any info provided, I have no idea if that's true. And in the extras we have this gem from one of the actresses:

  • "Rick has an incredible ability to see something in his head and to be able to recreate it on film. I haven't seen what we've shot on film yet, but I know he's getting what he wants. It's amazing."

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Followed Home (2010)

Some twenty somethings go on vacation to Big Bear. After a day of drinking and fun, a bloody girl shows up saying someone is trying to kill her.

They load her in their car and head to the hospital, but the girl doesn't make it.  This puts a damper on the weekend and they all go home.  Too bad they got involved because now the killer has dun dun dah - followed them home.

They're all depressed and traumatized, especially Lauren. Every time she thinks about Sam, her thoughts go to the bloody stab-y dead girl.  So she decides to dump him.  Geez, how about some therapy or give it some time?.... Wait he's 24, but she's still living with her parents? How old is this girl?  Anyway, Sam is officially dumped and not surprisingly, bitter.

Gargh! Don't worry Sam. Since the killers in town, he'll be happy to resolve your problem.

Another movie where there's no doubt as to why it ended up on a $5 bargain bin horror collection.

Friday, May 10, 2013

The Ripper (1985)

Professor Richard Harwell is teaching a new class titled Famous Crime on Film.  He says it is sort of an experiment, but that's never really explained.  The small class has around nine students which seems way to small for a college class. Also how could a class where you watch movies and discuss crimes not fill up?

Steve and his girlfriend take the class because Steve had Harwell last semester and liked him as a professor.  Steve annoys Harwell by repeatedly calling the professor at home to remind him to watch horror movies on TV, and calling back after the movie to discuss it.

Harwell is dating the dance instructor.  We are treated to her class doing a dance routine to a 1980s song which is similar to a Bonnie Tyler song.  There are fog machines, shiny aerobic outfits, and leg warmers galore.

When Richard and his girlfriend got to an antique shop, Richard finds an ugly old ring which causes him to hallucinate.  Later he can't stop thinking about the ring. When he finds a drawing of it in a Ripper book, he decides he must have it.

Why do people always want to buy things that make them dizzy, confused, and cause disturbing hallucinations?  Why yes, I think I will purchase that big ugly ring that makes me hallucinate graphic murders of prostitutes.

When people start getting killed in town, the newspapers say it looks like a modern day Jack the Ripper.  Steve notices that Harwell is all of a sudden left handed, same as the Ripper, and that his ring matches the one in their Ripper textbook.

There are three killings in three days, coinciding with their class.  Yet Steve and his girlfriend decide to go parking in an isolated field with predictable results.  Really, if there's a killer in your town you may not want to go parking late at night.  

This movie is laughable and I really liked it. It's boring so I don't love it, but it's funny as hell.   Steve spends way too much time with his shirt off, Harwell has a collection of hideous sweaters,  his girlfriend doesn't have the body for spandex,  her dance class needs more practice, and everyone drinks Coke.

Co-starring Coke
The incredible synchronized dancers
Harwell and his girlfriend model their hideous sweaters
Oh no, this is not attractive at all.
The closest thing to nudity in this film? Steve's butt
Looks like an exciting class
The comedy stylings of....
Tom Savini... no!!!!