Friday, January 11, 2013

Star Crystal (1985)

A 2032 Mars expedition walks on the surface of the planet and brings a large rock back to the ship.  They hope to sell the Mars rock for profit, but "According to this rock probe, the rock is full of electronic circuitry."  Um, wouldn't that mean it's not a rock?  Sadly they don't even consider this and learn a lesson the hard way when an alien pops out and cuts off the oxygen supply.

The abandoned ship is brought to a space station, which promptly blows up.  Five survivors managed to board the ship before the explosion. In shock, they realize that they only have three months of food, the ship is not made for long missions, and it will take two years to reach the Earth. Planning to stop at reserve stations along the way to replenish their food, they set about getting the ship ready and assigning duties.

Lt. Billy and Dr. Kimberly both have a bad attitude so it's going to make for a long ride and a long movie.  Capt. Roger is an engineer who knows computers, and since the ship is controlled by a computer, he's in charge. Not everyone is happy with this decision because they aren't very bright.

The layout of the ship is ridiculous.  There are five rooms connected by hallways, and by that I mean little tunnels which you can't stand up in.  It's like they're hamsters.  Also the doors are only 1/2 size so even once you've crawled on hands and knees to the end of the tunnel, the doors aren't high enough to walk through. So you'll need to be stooped over there as well.   It makes no freaking sense.

Soon they realize there is an alien on board because it starts killing the crew.  The alien's name is Gar, which is the sound I made while I shook my fist at the resolution of the movie. Yes, it's the heartwarming story of an alien who eliminates the crew on a spaceship before realizing he has nothing to fear from them so they can all be super good pals forever and ever. Queue schmaltzy music and wacky montage.

Puzzling questions abound - why does the ship warn the oxygen is depleted after the crew is dead? How come when the alert is sounded at the space station, no one moves and with the exception of the five survivors, everyone stands around staring at each other until the station blows up?  Why isn't anyone smart enough to know a sphere full of electronic circuitry is not a rock? Once it cracks open, why do we only see a crystal and some goo, but no electronics?

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