Sunday, June 24, 2012

Video Violence 2 (1987)

The sequel to Video Violence revolves around Howard and Eli, the killers from the first movie, who have a pirate tv station.  They cut in on other channels and broadcast aptly named The Howard and Eli Show.  The two act as hosts and introduce clips of  murders they commit, and encourage fans to submit their own homemade snuff films.

Three girls are so enamoured by the show, that they decide to kill a pizza delivery guy.  Seriously?  You don't think they can trace that back to you?  These amateur killers aren't even clever.

The movie is just like watching bad public access tv, and I mean that in the worst possible way.  It's painful to watch, the acting is horrible, and most of the movie takes place on a badly put together sound stage.

Video Violence (1987)

A couple moves from New York City to a small town in New Jersey to open a video store.  When an unknown tape is returned  in a video box, the owner and clerk pop it in the VCR and see what appears to be the murder of a local man.

When the owner tries to file a report with the police, the Sheriff begrudgingly accompanies him back to the store. But upon their arrival, they discover the clerk and the tape are missing.

When another tape is left at the store, the owner goes to the the police again.  The Sheriff doesn't believe him. Since the owner  won't leave, the Sheriff puts the tape into a huge old vcr but hits the record button instead of the play button.

The couple start getting uneasy as they realize the townsfolk only rent gore or porn, and tapes of murders keep showing up at the store.

This is very low budget.  Sound appears to have been recorded using the on camera mic as there is no sign of ADR.  There is lots of background noise, the music sounds like a midi keyboard, the Sheriff has a bad toupe, and there is tons of padding in the film.  Also the killers are really annoying characters.

Friday, June 22, 2012

Attack Girls Swim Team Vs. The Undead (2007)

Aki, the new girl in school, bonds with an overly friendly girl who is on the swim team. Oddly enough they have matching birth marks.

When the school begins mandatory vaccinations, those who get the shot turn into zombies except for the girls on the swim team.  The girls try to determine why they aren't changing and figure out how to survive.

Flashbacks show that Aki used to be the prisoner of an insane, flute playing, rapist, mad scientist who trained her to be a water assassin.  That refers to her coming out of the water to kill, not  assassinating water.

With zombies and mad scientists, you'd think this would be great (other than the rape), but it's not. Great title, so-so movie.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Illegal Aliens (2007)

I'm at a loss as to figure out how this got approved every step of the way.  You'd think someone would have said no at some point.  There is so much wrong with this.  It's like watching a train wreck.

Three space aliens come to Earth, take the form of sex pots and become stunt coordinators in Hollywood.  Soon after a bad alien arrives and plans to destroy Earth while the good aliens try to stop him.

Anna Nicole Smith is a retarded space alien with a squeaky baby voice who mugs for the camera and can turn herself into cars, helicopters, or anything else.  Joanie Laurer is another alien and chews the scenery so badly that it's hard to believe she's not the worst actress in this film.

Meanwhile a federal agent played by the cab driver from Giancola's Time Chasers runs around trying to catch the aliens.  It's painfully bad and there are too many jokes about flatulence.

Yellow Brick Road (2010)

In 1940 the entire population of Friar, NH walked into the woods never to return. Searchers found the bodies of half the townsfolk along the path, but what happened to the others  and why they left remains a mystery.  As the documents on the case have recently been declassified, a research team decides to go to Friar to discover what really happened.

When the team arrives in town, they are stumped to find that the coordinates for the head of the trail are on a sidewalk in front of a movie theater.  This leads me to conclude they are the worst researchers ever.  Seriously, did no one look at a map?  Has anyone ever done basic research before? Have they never heard of this thing called the internet?  Or did they just decide to make like Scooby Doo, pack their cars and go solve a mystery?

They obviously didn't do any research online as they could have found information regarding the current state of the town, including google maps to check out the current terrain.  Yeah, real nice research, jackasses, I'm sure you'll be successful in your quest.

After talking to people in the theater they do stumble upon the path.  After going deep into the woods, they begin to hear music.  But they are terrible researchers and only entertain theories involving the music having something to do with the mystery of the missing people.  How about entertaining some other possibilities?  Maybe someone else is camping in the woods and listening to music.  Or perhaps the sound is carrying up the mountain from a lake area.  Or maybe it is a radio station being picked up by something.

The group start to act weird and get urges to hurt others.  After a fight with his sister who steals his hat - a hat that he had found in the woods and believes is from the townspeople who disappeared seventy years ago, yuck why was he wearing it? - her brother goes insane, chases her down, and starts pummeling her.  Then he rips her leg off at the femur with his bare hands. That's right,  I said the femur. Sigh, it's all down hill from here people.

The best summation for this film is people wander through the woods for days listening to big band music, and then they're insane.  Yup, that about sums it up.  The biggest problem is that not much happens in the first half of the movie.  Plus almost every scene takes place during the daytime.  Pretty scary, huh kids?

Also the music is happy, bouncy, big band stuff, and while sometimes music can be effective when used ironically, it isn't here.  When bursts of noise occur, it was just unbelievably annoying, rather than scary.

Shallow Ground (2005)

As the last boxes are being packed up at a small town Sheriffs station that is closing, a naked boy drenched in blood and clutching a knife wanders into the building.  The boy appears to be in a daze and won't speak.  Strange things start to happen after his arrival.  At times he bleeds profusely. The blood spills across the floor but it seems to have a life of its own as the boy can make it move at will.

The Sheriff is convinced that the boy has done something horrible.  Not sure why he doesn't consider that perhaps something awful has happened to the boy, traumatized him and sent him in shock.  If he's a killer, its unlikely that he'd go to the police rather than trying to hide his crime.

The Sheriff and deputies spend their last day in the office trying to figure out who the boy is, what happened to him, and what else is going on in the town as people start disappearing.

While the premise is interesting, the trailer is effective, and the music is creepy, overall the movie fails as there are too many plot holes.  A bus breaks down on the only bridge out of town as a convenient plot device to keep anyone from leaving.  The Sheriff doesn't notice the stench of dead bodies when they are in the next room.  The killer, who seems to have lead a normal life, not only wants revenge but apparently is completely psycho since the victims are held together with fish hooks and sitting them at the dinner table.  Also the killer needs strength to tie up the victims and hang them from trees, as well as stealth to sneak up on them. Once the killer is revealed, I'm not buying that the killer could do any of that.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Creature (1985)

Heavily influenced by the movie Alien, a space ship lands on Titan, are targeted by a hostile life form, meet a melty faced German who eats a big sandwich, and end up feeling really stupid when the tiny alien that attaches itself to the astronauts head can be ripped off and destroyed by being stepped on.  Boy do they feel stupid, especially the dead guys.

It's hard to tell the characters apart since they all wear the same type of space suits and have over sized helmets.  The Ripley character is supposed to be able to handle anything but she ends up getting felt up by Klaus Kinski, and then gets lost on the planets surface.  Really, she's not much help at all.

This is more of a slow moving, dialogue heavy movie typical of space movies in the 80s.   The alien life force takes over the bodies of its victims and there are a few bloody scenes of space carnage, but other than Kinski there's not much of interest here.