Saturday, December 10, 2011

Grizzly Park (2008)

A group of twenty somethings doing community service in an experimental program are sentenced to pick up trash at a state park.  On the other side of town, an escaped killer murders the officer driving the Department of Corrections van that is supposed to pick them up.  Oddly enough, the killer puts on the driver's clothes, picks up the group of young folks and drives them to the park.  Even more amazing, he then remains in character to bring all their supplies up to the mountain cabin.

The group is planing to be in the park for one week while the park is closed for the season.  They will be camping and their only supervision is a ranger.  Uhhhhh, that doesn't seem good.  Oh, and one of the guy's brought a bear suit to fool the ranger and pull pranks on the others.  Yeah, that ought to go really well.

The group bonds over stories of how they got sentenced to community service which makes us hate them even more than we already did.  The stories of huffing and prostitution pale in comparison to the tales of killing old people in a nursing home, poisoning your mother, or violently sexually assaulting a fifteen year old and putting her into a coma.  None has any regret for the crimes they've committed, and the ones who did the most heinous crimes are psyched that they were only convicted of misdemeanors.  Oh yeah, can't wait for the grizzly to take care of these jerks.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Ice Queen (2005)

An airplane carrying a scientist and a newly discovered woman from the Ice Age crashes into a mountain top causing an avalanche which covers a ski resort that is shutting down for the season.  The plane ends up resting inside the lodge and the small staff that were locking up find themselves trapped inside the lodge under a mountain of snow.

As the staff comb the hallways looking for other survivors, they find the scientist who is looking for the Ice Age woman, which due to a leak in her holding chamber had become a creature right before the crash.  He neglects to tell them this and just mentions that he's looking for someone who was on the plane with him.

The most ridiculous part of this movie is that when anyone runs into the creature, they aren't alarmed.  She looks exactly like the picture on the cover.  Yet everyone keeps thinking that the blue-faced, pointy-teethed, straw-haired, red-eyed, weirdly-costumed freak is a person.  What the....?!?!  One guy asks her if she's okay because he thinks she must be injured, while another guy thinks she's drunk.  Are you kidding me?!

As a side note, David Giancola of the MST3K film, Time Chasers, is the producer and there are shots of the same airport in this film.

Dead Air (2009)

Late night shock jock Logan, his sidekick Gil, and their crew are having a normal night at work when a caller tells them of a riot that's broken out near the sports stadium.  At first it appears to be some sort of fight, but as the violence spreads, it becomes apparent that the attacks are unprovoked.

The city is being over taken by mobs of crazed people trying to kill everyone in their paths.  This turns out to be the work of terrorists who have unleashed chemical bombs at the stadium.  The bombs have a virus that causes people to get sick, die, and go into attack mode.

As the radio personnel realize that something is very wrong, they barricade themselves in the studio which is on an upper floor of the building.  When Logan can't get hold of his wife and child, Gil volunteers to check on them since he has a motorcycle and should be able to squeeze through any traffic jams.

The biggest problem with this one is that the characters do really stupid things that do not bode well for their survival.  For example, the building has a garage and they've shut the gates to keep the zombies out.  But when Gil goes out on his motorcycle, no one shuts the gates after him.  Also if the city is overrun by zombies, it's not a great idea to go out on a motorcycle as swarms of zombies can block your path. If you run over one or crash trying to get away, you're finished.  Also you have no protection as you ride through the zombies, so they might be able to knock you off your bike.

Also why do people in movies never think about the effects of a bite from an insane person with blood lust, who is possibly dead?  It's not like zombie mythology isn't prevalent in our society.  But most films usually ignore that.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Trackman (2007)

After a bank heist gone wrong in which two policemen are killed, the robbers and their hostages disappear into an abandoned subway tunnel to make their escape.  The old tunnels are a labyrinth which require a map to navigate.  The map will lead them to a pre-determined spot where they will meet the mastermind of the operation who can lead them out of the tunnels.  When they arrive at their destination, they see his motorcycle, but he is nowhere to be found.

With no idea how to get out on their own and their guide missing, they start exploring to see if they can figure a way out.  The missing guide reminds one of the robbers about a legend that states there is a killer that lives in tunnels, and steals the eyes of whoever ventures down there.

As the group treks deeper into the tunnels, they start to feel as if they are being watched.  They become fearful, but are unnerved as to whether other noises in the tunnel are the police tracking them, or the rumored killer.

The movie takes place in Moscow.  It is fairly cliche in how it ends, but was okay.  There is a sub plot about betrayal among the robbers.  Oddly enough the title character does not appear in the movie that often.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Wolves Bayne (2009)

Jerk real estate developer Russell Bayne is intent on buying a local psychic's shop as he needs the land for his new money making development project.  The psychic refuses and later that night Russell is attacked by a werewolf.

In another story soon to be running head long to this one, a group of vampires is trying to locate four amulets which will unleash the queen of the vampires who was vanquished in the 1800s.

While werewolves and vampires together should make an exciting film, this one is pretty boring which may be partly because it's made for tv.  It is important to note that there is nothing and no one in this film that looks like the creature on the cover.  In fact, the cover is the most exciting thing about this movie.

Plaguers (2008)

When a space ship responds to a distress call, they find a seemingly deserted ship.  After discovering four female survivors who say they were attacked by pirates, the crew vows to get them to safety.

Back on their own ship, the crew have a glowing green orb that they believe might be an alien energy source.  Some of the crew want to sell it, while others want to jettison it.

The rescued women split up and start asking each crew member questions.  One woman asks the pilot to show her how to fly the plane and since he's a simpleton and she's a woman, he agrees.  Nothing suspicious about teaching the strange woman you found on an abandoned ship how to navigate your plane. Nope, nothing suspicious at all.

Soon the rescued women reveal their intent to take over the ship as they are actually the pirates.  But when one of the women checks out the orb, it turns her into this weird zombie monster thing.  So now the crew has even more trouble on their hands.

The weirdest thing about this movie is that the spaceship doesn't seem to have any futuristic, or even modern, conveniences.  They do not have any way to see who is at their door, or a buzzer or speaker.  When someone wants to get into a room, they either knock on the door or shout through it to get the person's attention.  Even Star Trek from the lat 1960s had better future technology than that.

I Am Omega (2007)

Earth's population has become zombies. Survivor Renchard lives in an isolated house and monitors different channels on his computer hoping that he's not the last man on Earth.  Soon he gets a communication from a woman who asks for his help as she's in a city crawling with zombies and can't get out.  He declines but shortly afterwards two survivalists show up and insist that he help them rescue this woman  - and by insist I mean they blow up his house and threaten to kill him.

There are two major problems with this movie, besides that it's an Asylum movie. First, the survivalists want this woman dead because she may have an antidote for the zombie plague.  Well, if you want her dead, why are you rescuing her?  She's stuck in a city full of zombies and can't get out.  They'll get her eventually or she'll starve to death.

Second, it is a wonder that the zombies haven't killed her already since she appears to have no sense of self-preservation.  She loudly argues with her rescuers, refuses to follow their directions, shouts while they are sneaking through the city, seems oblivious to the fact that they should travel as quietly and quickly as possible,  and constantly puts them in harms way by giving away their location and attracting attention to herself.  She's so annoying and stupid.  She may as well have said, "Hey guys, thanks for coming to rescue me.  Now the only way this is going to happen is if you do exactly as I say."  Oh god, just leave her there and save yourself.

Also at one point Renchard states, "Drive fast. We have less than four hours to get out of the city."  Seriously?  The streets are clear.  There is no traffic and for the most part there are no obstructions.  So how big is this freakin' city?  Of course, how fast they drive isn't as important as not running into large piles of dirt that can be used as a ramp to launch/crash your only vehicle to escape even though you could have just driven around it and avoided an accident - stupid woman.  Definitely shouldn't have tried to rescue her.