Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Almighty Thor (2011)

Loki decides to steal the Hammer of Invincibility and destroy the tree of life. Thor's father, Odin, and his brother are killed, leaving Thor to try to keep Loki from accomplishing his evil plans.

Lunkhead Thor is an inexperienced fighter, but he has lots of heart. Too bad he doesn't have lots of brains because he makes very bad decisions, and ignores all the advice and warnings from his colleagues who are much more knowledgeable.

A portal to different worlds takes Thor to modern day Los Angeles, but Thor doesn't blink an eye. How can he not react to a modern city? Well Thor's not the brightest bulb. He probably didn't even notice they weren't in the woods anymore.

The movie is mostly fights, cgi creatures, Thor running off to do something stupid, and a skull faced Richard Grieco screaming. Sometimes the dialogue is hard to hear due to the soundtrack, but I guess that's not such a big deal since it's it's just Loki following Thor around and asking for the hammer.

The Evil Woods (2007)

Oh no. Nope, this will not do at all. The oldest teenagers in the world head out for a weekend of drinking, camping and fun, but instead run into a serial killer.

The description stated that the teens run into the Beer Hunter, which we thought was a typo. Could they mean bear or deer? Unfortunately it's not a mistake. It refers to what is essentially a game of russian roulette with a shaken beer.

After the first deaths and the introduction of the annoying thirty year old teens, we bailed. It was just too awful.

Eaten Alive (1977)

A run down hotel located in the swamp is run by a creepy crazy guy and has a large gator in a fenced off area next to the porch. The hotel owner murders guests that he doesn't like and feeds their bodies to the gator.

I don't know why anyone would stay at this hotel. The guy is creepy, the hotel is sketchy, and there's a dead monkey in a cage on the front porch. What the heck, people?!

The Crow: Wicked Prayer (2005)

Jimmy and Lily are murdered by escaped convict Luc Crash and his gang. They steal Lily's eyes and Jimmy's heart to be used in a Satanic ritual. When Jimmy comes back as the Crow, he sets out to avenge his death and the death of the woman he loves.

This movie is a whole lot of confusion. Jimmy is dead before we even know anything about him other than the townsfolk don't like him and he's in love with Lily. Things happen and we aren't given a story as to why they are happening. Later there are a few short flashbacks, but they never flesh out the story or explain everything. Also Edward Furlong doesn't look scary but more like a silly goth kid once he's wearing Crow makeup. Also his speeches all sound like blah blah blah.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Screamtime (1986)

Mediocre anthology tied together by the story of two hoods who steal some video tapes and go to a friend's house to watch them on her vcr. The first story involves a couple who return from their honeymoon and the bride, who wears huge Jackie O shades, starts to see murders, blood, and people in the house. The husband soon tires of her hysterics and hires a psychic who declares there is no bad energy in the house. There is a twist ending that I didn't see coming, but it leaves too many questions of how it could actually happen.

Next a motocross racer takes a job as a gardener/handyman for two rich old ladies as he needs money to repair his bike. The ladies tell him not to cross the fairies who live in the gardens as they'll seek vengeance. The racer and his friends decide to rob the ladies and needless to say, it goes poorly.

Lastly there is the sad story of a puppeteer whose wife is leaving him and taking their grown son with her. It's hard to understand why he wants her to stay as she's always yelling at him. Plus their son Damien is a hooligan who sets his father's puppet booth on fire during an intermission. Soon after Damien is beaten with a large stick. Is it the puppets come to life or the puppeteer? Eeek!

Scarecrow Gone Wild (2004)

A baseball team decides to haze its new members by taking them to a cornmaze where legend has it a kid was accidentally killed years ago during hazing. One of the recruits, a scrawny diabetic kid who is usually protected by the assistant coach, angers the team and is left tied to the post next to a scarecrow.

When the other recruits are ordered back into the maze to untie him, they find him unresponsive and call the assistant coach who doesn't answer as he's busy knocking boots.

When our hero finally gets the twenty messages, he rescues the kid from the corn maze, calls in a favor with a local doctor, and leaves him for treatment in what appears to be an old hospital. He's the only patient and the only other people there are the doctor and nurse.

The baseball team goes to the beach with their girls and soon they hear whistling which turns out to be the scarecrow from the corn maze. Huh? Turns out a kid really did die years ago during hazing and was buried him under the scarecrow. So now the scarecrow aka dead kid is back to avenge his death.... on a bunch of stupid kids who had nothing to do with the original killing, but heck they're unlikable, so why not?

The other kids go to the beach, the scarecrow shows up, and everytime he whistles, someone dies. Stupid kids....

Contamination .7 (1993)

aka Troll 3; The Crawlers; Creepers
A nuclear power plant dumps toxic waste in the forest, which causes tree roots to run amok and develop a taste for human flesh.

The Sheriff doesn't believe the stories of the scientist who works at the plant, or the local youths who find a dead body. He just mocks them and brushes them off. Turns out he's evil and in cahoots with the power plant.

People keep doing stupid things, like landing helicopters in the toxic sludge pit, or trying to dig up barrels of toxic waste without any thought of protecting their own safety - even though they already know the trees are deadly.

The film contains such stereotypical characters as evil Sheriff, authority figures who are in cahoots with the bad guys, and a hooker with a heart of gold who sacrifices her own life to save a small child.

This is supposedly Troll 3, but there are no trolls in it, nor anything relating to trolls, nilbog, or the previous movies.

Derailed (2005)

Jean Claude Van Damme is an undercover agent called in for an assignment while on a family vacation. His family doesn't know what he does for a living, so he says he has a business emergency and goes off on what is supposed to be a quick trip. His mission is to pay a female thief some money and then get out of the country before anyone knows what has happened. In the midst of the exchange, soldiers rush in and the two go on the run. Their descriptions are broadcast on the news making it difficult for them to board the train.

It turns out the woman has stolen some vials containing small pox, and Mason, a villain that she used to work for, has taken over the train in order to get his hands on this biological weapon. When the vials break, droplets are spread via the train's duct work and those who were never vaccinated become ill. Also Jean Claude fights a lot of guys on a train, ala Steven Seagals Under Siege 2.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Killer Buzz (2001)

When a reporter in the jungle is shot, she is found by the Shadow People and treated for her wounds. After she is located by her friends, she is brought to the hospital with wounds almost healed.

When her doctor her finds some welts from bee stings, he surmises that there is healing power in the experimental hives hidden in the jungle. So he smuggles a case of killer bees onto a plane headed for the US.

Rutger Hauer is an evil guy working on the secret government bee project in which the genetically engineered bees are being bred as perfect soldiers - kill fast, then die and remain untraceable.

While on the plane, the bees escape, as they do, and havoc ensues. People get stung, pass out and die. Oh it ain't good.

The film then turns into a rant about the ecological effect of pollution and the quest for oil. Also the Shadow People are natives, but the one who leads them is called Savoir and hes a white man. Hmmmm....

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Primal (2007)

Hikers who are behind schedule head off the trail and off the map to meet their fate at the hands of a strange looking sasquatch wearing an ape suit. Six months later, another group of students shows up to survey the land as an oil company wants to lease the land from the Bureau of Land Management. They are directed to go into the protected land that possibly "no human has ever touched." Ooooo-kay, sure are a lot of people around this untouched land.

Meanwhile in another story, Julie and her fiance Rick hike six hours into the mountains to visit her brother Wade, an awkward ranger who likes his solitude. Rick wanders the mountains and burns down meth labs hidden in the woods. Not sure how a single ranger can control a gasoline fueled fire in the wilderness, but best not to consider these things.

While surveying the land, the students find huge footprints with three toes, and decide to find whatever huge creature has been tromping around. Brilliant! As can be imagined, this goes horribly wrong.

While the body count rises, the two stories converge (so much for land humans have never touched), and sasquatch is a-killing everthing in sight. When sasquatch is near, the camera shakes and lines like scratches on film appear on the picture. Also there are fast cuts so you can't tell what is happening and cgi blood flies around.

The sasquatch has wierdly long arms, silly rubber feet and a silly rubber monster suit. Also strange is Rick's hair which from the back looks like a toupe. I'm not sure whether it is, or it's just a really bad haircut.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Bloodthirst 2: Revenge of the Chupacabra (2005)

Nope. I can't do it. Even though the title mentions chupacabras, this is just another shot on video piece of crap that we couldn't sit through.

Monster (2008)

Two sisters head to Tokyo to make a documentary. While they are there, Tokyo is rocked by what is reported to be an earthquake, but the truth is something else entirely.

I could not make it through this. It was like watching someone's home movies - boring! The video is shot to simulate hand held camera work from the characters point of view, which if you are prone to motion sickness may make you feel nauseous. The characters are not engaging, their dialogue is so banal I wonder if there was even a script.

Plus on a side note, their documentary is going to suck because their camera work is terrible.

Dead Summer (2005)

There really needs to be some sort of rating that lets you know whether a movie has been shot by professionals or just a guy who happens to own a camcorder. Nowadays everyone has access to a camera that shoots video, which means no matter how little talent you have, you can shoot a movie.

I watch all kinds of horrible no budget pictures, which usually aren't very good, and usually I get through them. But I didn't make it through more than ten minutes of this one. Not that it was necessarily the worst movie I've ever seen, but I just couldn't take it.

The video is soft, the sound is not very good, and the characters in the first scene are awkward and talk about cartoon characters on cereal boxes. Eject now.

Snakehead Terror (2004)

When his daughters boyfriend is killed by something in the lake, the Sheriff wants to shut down the beaches. But that doesn't fly with town officials who don't want to damage their tourism and upcoming fishing tournament. A biologist is dispatched to take lake water samples and determines that there is something toxic in the water. Then she uses her amazing fish tooth analyzing software to determine that the tooth they found is from an unusually large snakehead.

The Sheriff's daughter and her friends go out in a boat to try to destroy whatever killed her boyfriend. Oh silly kids... death and destruction soon follow.

The town had a snakehead problem two years ago which ruined their economy, so they are not happy to hear there may be another problem with even larger killer snakeheads. Turns out a couple of the locals have been dumping barrels of human growth hormone into the lake to try to revive the fishing as the towns economy is based around it. Only the snakeheads have repopulated and they're a-walkin' on land and eating anything they can get near.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Evil (2005)

aka To Kako

Three men working construction discover a massive hidden cave and are attacked by something inside it. Each man goes ahead with his plans for the night - one at a club, one at home, and one at the soccer stadium . But none can remember how they got out of the cave or what happened inside. Shortly after conveying this to whoever they are with, each transforms into a zombie and begins biting those around them. Those who are bitten immediately attack others and the town is soon overrun by zombies.

A few survivors meet as they are trying to find safety. They decide to head out of the city in the hope that there are more survivors and less zombies in the countryside. But as happens in most zombie films, things do not go as planned and some inexplicable things happen.

There are some really nice special effects, such as heads splitting in half and an arm being ripped apart. The film was made in Greece.

Plaga Zombie: Mutant Zone (2001)

When the FBI unleashes an alien virus on test subjects in a small town, the virus quickly spreads turning amost everyone into zombies. The town is quarantined and three friends who've survived are dropped off in the center of town. The FBI theorizes that once the zombies kill them, no one will ever know what happened there.

Med student Bill, computer geek Max, and pro wrestler John West (complete with theme song on a vinyl 45) try to find a way out of the city and avoid being killed by zombies. They wind up with a disk that contains a map which shows the only exit, but decoding the disk takes 12 hours. So they must try to survive the night stuck in a town full of zombies.

The film was made in Argentina on a tiny budget. The comedy sometimes falls flat and there is an overly long sequence involving John West and his memorabilia room. Over all though, it was entertaining and much better than I would expect for this type of budget.