Saturday, December 10, 2011

Grizzly Park (2008)

A group of twenty somethings doing community service in an experimental program are sentenced to pick up trash at a state park.  On the other side of town, an escaped killer murders the officer driving the Department of Corrections van that is supposed to pick them up.  Oddly enough, the killer puts on the driver's clothes, picks up the group of young folks and drives them to the park.  Even more amazing, he then remains in character to bring all their supplies up to the mountain cabin.

The group is planing to be in the park for one week while the park is closed for the season.  They will be camping and their only supervision is a ranger.  Uhhhhh, that doesn't seem good.  Oh, and one of the guy's brought a bear suit to fool the ranger and pull pranks on the others.  Yeah, that ought to go really well.

The group bonds over stories of how they got sentenced to community service which makes us hate them even more than we already did.  The stories of huffing and prostitution pale in comparison to the tales of killing old people in a nursing home, poisoning your mother, or violently sexually assaulting a fifteen year old and putting her into a coma.  None has any regret for the crimes they've committed, and the ones who did the most heinous crimes are psyched that they were only convicted of misdemeanors.  Oh yeah, can't wait for the grizzly to take care of these jerks.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Ice Queen (2005)

An airplane carrying a scientist and a newly discovered woman from the Ice Age crashes into a mountain top causing an avalanche which covers a ski resort that is shutting down for the season.  The plane ends up resting inside the lodge and the small staff that were locking up find themselves trapped inside the lodge under a mountain of snow.

As the staff comb the hallways looking for other survivors, they find the scientist who is looking for the Ice Age woman, which due to a leak in her holding chamber had become a creature right before the crash.  He neglects to tell them this and just mentions that he's looking for someone who was on the plane with him.

The most ridiculous part of this movie is that when anyone runs into the creature, they aren't alarmed.  She looks exactly like the picture on the cover.  Yet everyone keeps thinking that the blue-faced, pointy-teethed, straw-haired, red-eyed, weirdly-costumed freak is a person.  What the....?!?!  One guy asks her if she's okay because he thinks she must be injured, while another guy thinks she's drunk.  Are you kidding me?!

As a side note, David Giancola of the MST3K film, Time Chasers, is the producer and there are shots of the same airport in this film.

Dead Air (2009)

Late night shock jock Logan, his sidekick Gil, and their crew are having a normal night at work when a caller tells them of a riot that's broken out near the sports stadium.  At first it appears to be some sort of fight, but as the violence spreads, it becomes apparent that the attacks are unprovoked.

The city is being over taken by mobs of crazed people trying to kill everyone in their paths.  This turns out to be the work of terrorists who have unleashed chemical bombs at the stadium.  The bombs have a virus that causes people to get sick, die, and go into attack mode.

As the radio personnel realize that something is very wrong, they barricade themselves in the studio which is on an upper floor of the building.  When Logan can't get hold of his wife and child, Gil volunteers to check on them since he has a motorcycle and should be able to squeeze through any traffic jams.

The biggest problem with this one is that the characters do really stupid things that do not bode well for their survival.  For example, the building has a garage and they've shut the gates to keep the zombies out.  But when Gil goes out on his motorcycle, no one shuts the gates after him.  Also if the city is overrun by zombies, it's not a great idea to go out on a motorcycle as swarms of zombies can block your path. If you run over one or crash trying to get away, you're finished.  Also you have no protection as you ride through the zombies, so they might be able to knock you off your bike.

Also why do people in movies never think about the effects of a bite from an insane person with blood lust, who is possibly dead?  It's not like zombie mythology isn't prevalent in our society.  But most films usually ignore that.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Trackman (2007)

After a bank heist gone wrong in which two policemen are killed, the robbers and their hostages disappear into an abandoned subway tunnel to make their escape.  The old tunnels are a labyrinth which require a map to navigate.  The map will lead them to a pre-determined spot where they will meet the mastermind of the operation who can lead them out of the tunnels.  When they arrive at their destination, they see his motorcycle, but he is nowhere to be found.

With no idea how to get out on their own and their guide missing, they start exploring to see if they can figure a way out.  The missing guide reminds one of the robbers about a legend that states there is a killer that lives in tunnels, and steals the eyes of whoever ventures down there.

As the group treks deeper into the tunnels, they start to feel as if they are being watched.  They become fearful, but are unnerved as to whether other noises in the tunnel are the police tracking them, or the rumored killer.

The movie takes place in Moscow.  It is fairly cliche in how it ends, but was okay.  There is a sub plot about betrayal among the robbers.  Oddly enough the title character does not appear in the movie that often.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Wolves Bayne (2009)

Jerk real estate developer Russell Bayne is intent on buying a local psychic's shop as he needs the land for his new money making development project.  The psychic refuses and later that night Russell is attacked by a werewolf.

In another story soon to be running head long to this one, a group of vampires is trying to locate four amulets which will unleash the queen of the vampires who was vanquished in the 1800s.

While werewolves and vampires together should make an exciting film, this one is pretty boring which may be partly because it's made for tv.  It is important to note that there is nothing and no one in this film that looks like the creature on the cover.  In fact, the cover is the most exciting thing about this movie.

Plaguers (2008)

When a space ship responds to a distress call, they find a seemingly deserted ship.  After discovering four female survivors who say they were attacked by pirates, the crew vows to get them to safety.

Back on their own ship, the crew have a glowing green orb that they believe might be an alien energy source.  Some of the crew want to sell it, while others want to jettison it.

The rescued women split up and start asking each crew member questions.  One woman asks the pilot to show her how to fly the plane and since he's a simpleton and she's a woman, he agrees.  Nothing suspicious about teaching the strange woman you found on an abandoned ship how to navigate your plane. Nope, nothing suspicious at all.

Soon the rescued women reveal their intent to take over the ship as they are actually the pirates.  But when one of the women checks out the orb, it turns her into this weird zombie monster thing.  So now the crew has even more trouble on their hands.

The weirdest thing about this movie is that the spaceship doesn't seem to have any futuristic, or even modern, conveniences.  They do not have any way to see who is at their door, or a buzzer or speaker.  When someone wants to get into a room, they either knock on the door or shout through it to get the person's attention.  Even Star Trek from the lat 1960s had better future technology than that.

I Am Omega (2007)

Earth's population has become zombies. Survivor Renchard lives in an isolated house and monitors different channels on his computer hoping that he's not the last man on Earth.  Soon he gets a communication from a woman who asks for his help as she's in a city crawling with zombies and can't get out.  He declines but shortly afterwards two survivalists show up and insist that he help them rescue this woman  - and by insist I mean they blow up his house and threaten to kill him.

There are two major problems with this movie, besides that it's an Asylum movie. First, the survivalists want this woman dead because she may have an antidote for the zombie plague.  Well, if you want her dead, why are you rescuing her?  She's stuck in a city full of zombies and can't get out.  They'll get her eventually or she'll starve to death.

Second, it is a wonder that the zombies haven't killed her already since she appears to have no sense of self-preservation.  She loudly argues with her rescuers, refuses to follow their directions, shouts while they are sneaking through the city, seems oblivious to the fact that they should travel as quietly and quickly as possible,  and constantly puts them in harms way by giving away their location and attracting attention to herself.  She's so annoying and stupid.  She may as well have said, "Hey guys, thanks for coming to rescue me.  Now the only way this is going to happen is if you do exactly as I say."  Oh god, just leave her there and save yourself.

Also at one point Renchard states, "Drive fast. We have less than four hours to get out of the city."  Seriously?  The streets are clear.  There is no traffic and for the most part there are no obstructions.  So how big is this freakin' city?  Of course, how fast they drive isn't as important as not running into large piles of dirt that can be used as a ramp to launch/crash your only vehicle to escape even though you could have just driven around it and avoided an accident - stupid woman.  Definitely shouldn't have tried to rescue her.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

REC (2007)

A TV crew doing a documentary piece on Firefighters goes out with the team on a call to an apartment building where an old lady is acting strange.  When the policemen and firemen try to help her, she attacks them, biting one of them in the process.

When they attempt to get help for their injured co-worker, they find  the building has been sealed off and authorities outside announce that they are quarantined.  A health inspector is sent in to test those in the building to see who is infected.  The virus, which is spread via saliva, was detected by the Vets office when a tenant brought in their dog.

This is shot from the cameraman's point of view which keeps the viewer right in the middle of things, rather than as an observer.  The movie is much better than the US version, Quarantine, which kept the cause of the outbreak hidden for most of the movie.  There are less plot holes.  Also the reporter is frantic but not as annoying as she doesn't screech and blubber throughout the last part of the film.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Wake the Witch (2010)

aka Awaken the Witch

Dude, don't wake the witch. I woke her once and she was a total ass.  The title on the cover is slightly different from the title on the film.  I'm not sure why they made such a slight change. It doesn't really matter.

There is a legend about a witch buried in the woods.  Chains were used to keep her in the ground.  So if you find a chain and follow it to her burial spot, you can call for her and make a wish - but you have to wish quickly as otherwise she'll kill you. Uhhhhh yeah, that's a game I really want to try.

Three friends find a chain in the woods and one decides to follow it and try to wake the witch.  Soon after her attempt to wake the witch, she has some sort of seizure and is taken to the hospital.

One girls older brother is staying at home as he has been sick.  He's acting strange and keeps going into the woods.  When he ignores her shouts, she wanders into the woods to find him but is chased by a bunch of hunched over kids wearing dirty hoodies.  Oooo, isn't that spooky?  Well, I suppose if I were actually in the middle of the woods and it were dark, I'd be frightened.  But the scene takes place in the daytime and it's on TV, so it's not doing anything for me.

This movie is bare bones and done by amateurs.  It's not the worst thing I've ever seen. But quite honestly when the streaming Netflix went dead an hour into it, I wasn't that sad about missing the last 52 minutes of it.  That's right, this thing is almost two hours long.  Time to learn how to edit, people.

Hatchet II (2010)

Picking up right where the first movie left off, final girl Marybeth  manages to escape the island and wrangle up some people to go back to the swamp, help her get her father and brothers bodies, plus try to kill Victor Crowley who is still haunting the place.

The characters are mostly stereotypes and you know Victor's going to get to work a-killing them all.  Marybeth is shrill and annoying.  Tony Todd plays Reverend Zombie, who helps Marybeth round up the gun toting strangers for her quest, and ends up having a showdown with Victor on the island.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Alien Raiders (2008)

This is a decent flick - except for the horrible title and obvious ending.  A small town supermarket is over run by a group of masked intruders in what initially appears to be a robbery.  The group rounds up employees and customers and appears to be searching for someone specific.  One of their team mentally scans people in the store, and those deemed okay are segregated from those who have not been checked.

An off duty police officer, who happens to be in the store, calls in to report the masked intruders.  The intruders exchange gunfire with the officer, who is hit.  The group's scanner is killed.

At this point, the group panics.  It turns out they are scientists who are trying to eliminate dangerous aliens among us and with their scanner dead, there is only one other way to tell who has been absorbed by aliens and it involves using a knife.

The police arrive with a hostage negotiator who turns out to be the father of one of the hostages, a young cashier.

While I enjoyed the film, the ending was really obvious. Plus there were some questions that went unanswered:
  1. How did the scientists know that the alien would be at that supermarket at that particular time?  Wouldn't it be more likely that if it was definitely going to be there, you could concentrate on employees rather than customers?
  2. How could a team who obviously had prior experience tracking and eliminating aliens, (based on all the videotapes of prior missions), not do a complete sweep of the building?  
  3. Even if they believe they have the king, why let anyone else leave without scanning them?  They still might be infected and a second scanner has arrived.
  4. When the teen cashier argues that she knows they will be killed and need to escape, why does anyone listen to her?  First, listening to her father's stories of hostage negotiation does not mean that she has the same knowledge.  Second since the intruders already let some people go there is no reason to think they won't let the others go.  Lastly, the scientists are obviously looking for someone specific rather than a random search, so if you have nothing to hide you should be okay.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Jonah Hex (2010)

Jonah Hex mumbles his way through the movie and makes us realize that our time would be better spent reading old comic books.

Comic covers below and tons of other covers can be found at the awesome web site, Cover Browser.

Children of the Corn 7: Revelation (2001)

Jamie hasn't been able to get in touch with her grandmother and decides to visit to make sure she's okay.  Her grandmother lives in a seedy apartment building right next to a cornfield.  The few neighbors left in the building and the front desk person haven't seen her grandmother in awhile and aren't any help.  So Jamie decides  to file a missing persons report with the police.

After she decides to stay in her grandmothers apartment, Jamie goes to the local supermarket where she meets some creepy Amish type kids.  The kids keep showing up wherever Jamie goes, and keep getting creepier since they never say anything, continually stare at her, and seem to appear and disappear in the blink of an eye.

There are children and there is some corn, but that's about the only connection this has to spooky kids killing people in cornfields.  The movie mostly takes place inside the rundown apartment building.  Also I thought this town was in the middle of nowhere but there are skyscrapers and a large city in the background which makes the lack of people and police all the more strange - but not strange enough to be interesting.

Rise of the Undead (2005)

This was difficult to get through. There is bad cgi before the credits start, and an hour into the film there is a revelation that would have been creative in the 1970s, but now is such a cliche that you'll wish you'd never wasted your time on this.

A group of strangers end up in a nearby building trying to escape multiple fireballs and explosions that are rocking the city.  Personally I'd want to get out of an exploding, flaming city, but oh well.  They run into Jay who provides exposition regarding bio warfare (which doesn't explain the exploding buildings) and advises that the safest thing to do is to head to an underground military base two miles away.

Apparently the bio warfare turns people into zombies that pop out from dark rooms and hallways.  The problem about watching a fight for survival in a dark room is that you can't tell what is going on, nor can you tell the zombies from the humans. It's even more confusing when the darkened fight all of a sudden switches to brightly lit footage of feet running by the camera.  Huh?

As the zombies mount further attacks, the number of survivors dwindle until there is only one left.  And this is when you'll rue the day you decided to watch this, as all of a sudden the lone survivor wakes up.  That's right, wakes the fuck up.  It was all a dream.  Everyone is still alive.  In another annoying plot point, two of the strongest characters decide to give up trying to survive,  even though it hasn't even been a day.

That leaves us with some sort of cgi energy creature that exists only within the dark and is in the building.  Luckily the group manages to produce a camera from thin air and use the flash to ward off this dark energy creature. Hurrah... no wait, I hate them all and want them dead.

The dialogue is often a lower volume than the sound effects and music.  There is a super long boring story told by a bad actor about his grandmother's spider monkey.  One scene is shot from the same camera angle with characters in different positions. Consequently it appears as if the characters teleport back and forth to different positions during the scene, which is stupid rather than artistic.  Lastly, at one point, one of the characters says "Does it really matter what it is or why it's happening?"  Yes, yes it does.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Venom (2005)

When an old voodoo lady accidentally runs her car off a bridge, local tow truck driver Ray helps two teens try to save her. Once she is free from the car, she insists that Ray go back into the perilously hanging vehicle to retrieve her suitcase. When he does, the case flies open, cgi snakes are released and the car, with Ray in it, plunges into the murky water below.

The suitcase in question had been dug up from a graveyard and was filled with the souls of evil that the old lady milked via her voodoo. Ray's dead body becomes possessed by these souls, and they want revenge and for some reason it is against the teens.  Eventually the only safe place they can find is the hoome of the old lady which is out in the middle of the swamp.  Nothing new or fantastic, just a generic horror movie.

The Hazing (2004)

aka Dead Scared

Five pledges to a combined fraternaty / sorority are given a list of items to find for a scavenger hunt.  One of the items is an ancient text that their professor is rumored to own.  Two of the pledges decide to break into his house to find the book, which seems fairly excessive for some stupid scavenger hunt.  While looking for the book, they find bloody bodies in the basement and the professor  performing some sort of ritual on the corpses.

After being chased upstairs by the professor, they accidentally almost kill him during a fight and call 911 before leaving.  At the hospital, the professor dies and his spirit gets the pledge to read an incantation which allows him to possess the pledges body so he can start killing again.

The professor dies several times while at the hospital, but no one notices.  Once they notice there's a problem, he kills the doctor and others.

The pledges end up at the frat house.  The members tell them the story of the killer who used to live in the house, and have rigged the house to scare them.  When the professors spirit shows up, he causes havoc.  Brad Dourif is awesome as the professor and is the high point of the movie.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

The Fear Chamber (2009)

A serial killer who sometimes paints his face like a Juggalo is abducting young women.  Detective Nick Ferguson, who was stabbed in the chest and let the killer escape, vows to track the maniac down due to his guilt that there are more victims.  Nick starts having visions of girls that are abducted by this madman.

True to cop movie cliches, Nick has a drinking problem, feels guilty about his wife's murder, has a supervisor who questions his methods, is consumed by this particular case, and is ultimately suspended and must turn in his badge.

It's slow moving and drawn out, with little to keep you interested.  There's a twist ending which is just sort of "oh" and not the big reveal it's supposed to be because you just won't care.  Richard Tyson chews up some scenery as the face painting doctor, but he's not given much to work with - so fair play Mr. Tyson, fair play. Oh and as with any movie, the appearance of nudity before the credits means we are in for a long ride.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Don't Go In the Cellar (2008)

A group of college kids decide to have a party in an old lunatic asylum.  The asylum, though long abandoned, is clean and appears to be someones home rather than an old hospital.  There is a sectional sofa in the living room (yes, they have a livingroom), a hallway with knickknacks on bookshelves, and doors that look like bedroom doors.  In fact the entire interior screams I'm a suburban home.

The cellar door and walls look like a set.  The college classroom has folding tables and the teachers desk appears to have a black table sheet over it.  Best of all is the padded room which is made from paper and staples.  I actually didn't realize it was supposed to be a padded room for quite a while since it doesn't look anything like padding.

The main character is a girl with such severe fear of interacting with other people that it doesn't seem possible that she could actually attend college. Her older sister doesn't help matters by being extremely controlling and over protective.

The class has been studying the asylum and for extra credit they decide to do more research on it as a group project.  Their idea of research is going to the asylum to party and then after a couple of hours, they'll start doing their research.  Oh yeah, that ought to be some really accurate research.

After the kids kick off their party, they meet Wendall, whose sole purpose seems to be to stand in the padded room and tell people not to go into the cellar.  As is usual in horror movies, the warning is not heeded and everyone ends up at one time or another going into the cellar.  Good job, college kids!

IMDB lists the budget at $1.2 million. If that's accurate, I wonder what that money went to because it certainly wasn't spent on actors, props, or sets.  Seriously, it looks like it was filmed in someone's house -  sectional sofa, knickknacks, bookshelves, hollow core doors, even signs of a cat. Note that from the outside, the asylum door is solid, but once they are inside, there is a window and the door looks like your standard living room door.  Also of note, Randal Malone plays Wendell. Enough said.

The cover does not depict anything from the movie.  The asylum looks nothing like the building on the cover, and there are no cells.

Deadfall Trail (2009)

One of the reasons I picked this up this collection is that Deadfall Trail looked interesting. The cover art shows three guys walking into trees,which turn out to be the teeth in a giant skull!  So imagine my surprise when I watched the movie and discovered it is not a horror film.

Julien, John, and Paul head out for a three week trek in the wilderness.  Julien and John are used to going into the woods in survivalist mode, but Paul has never done this before.  Julien is disgusted at this piece of information and believes that Paul will be a detriment to their trip.  Julien insists they each only bring a bottle of water, a knife and a small satchel.  No maps, food, or tents are allowed.

The ultimate goal is never really established, other than communing with nature and eating peyote once they decide they have reached the right destination. And that leaves the viewer with too many questions.  How did the three of them decide to head into the woods together?  Why doesn't Paul know how bare bones the expedition was going to be?  Why doesn't Paul listen to the advice the more experienced guys give him?   Why did John decide to invite Paul when Paul has no survival skills and Julien is high strung about the way things are done and has no patience for newbies?

Unfortunately Julien's fears about Paul prove to be well founded when there is an accident seven days walk into the wilderness. While this is supposed to provide tension, it doesn't as the characters are kind of annoying. Julien seems like a dickhead, Paul is an idiot who doesn't take the seasoned trekkers advice seriously, and you can never figure out why the three of them are on this trip together.  So you end up being annoyed at two of the three characters and wondering why any of them thought this was a good idea.

Slaughterhouse Phi: Death Sisters (2006)

Yup, you know how bad this one is going to be just by looking at the cover art.  During a hazing ritual at an abandoned orphanage, one of the pledges accidentally dies.  Instead of calling for help or reporting the accident, the pledge leader decides to bury the dead girl.  You'd think the other pledges might be suspicious when they never see her again, but no.

A year later, the police have given up and her father has stopped pestering the sorority about his daughters whereabouts.  So the pledge leader decides it's okay to do the same hazing ritual in the same place.

Unbeknownst to them, the ghost of the dead girl has been murdering people.  A photographer takes a girl to the house to take some photos.  When she doesn't want to drop her top, the guy  physically assaults a girl after setting his camera on auto to take photos the assault. Yeah, not too bright, that one.  Fortunately the ghost shows up and save the day... until she also kills the girl.

Rusel Malone plays the detective, who looks so unlike a detective in his wood paneled basement office.  But we know he definitely is a detective by the trench coat and fedora he wears.  He's suspicious of the sorority girls, but has no evidence.

The ritual goes horribly wrong again due to the appearance of the murderous ghost.  When one is killed, they all run out of the house.  Inexplicably, they stop running once they get to the front porch.  After a long discussion, they decide that they need to go back into the house to get a cell phone to call for help... even though someone was just murdered and a killer is in the house.  Although the house is supposed to be thirty minutes from nearest town but you can see another roof off to the left of the driveway.  Gah!!  Terrible!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Hobo with a Shotgun (2011)

Hobo Rutger Hauer rides the train into town and finds a city full of fear, crime, violence, and immorality.  The city is run by The Drake and his sons, all vile human beings who terrorize the residents and control all the illegal activities in town.  So powerful are they, that they kill and torture those who cross them in broad daylight in front of witnesses without fear of reprisal.

When the hobo gets caught in the middle of a pawn shop robbery where the robbers threaten to kill a baby, he decides to take matters into his own hands.  He buys a shotgun and decides to clean up the town.  This causes the Drake to put a bounty on his head and the whole town, including the police, try to kill him.  The only one who stands by him is the hooker with a hear of gold that he rescued from Drake's son.

This is violent and depressing and definitely harkens back to the grindhouse pictures of the seventies.  You'll feel dirtier for having watched it.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Late Fee (2009)

A couple heads to the video store on Halloween only to find the owner locking up for the night.  They convince him to let them in as they swear they only want two movies which they'll pick up asap.

The owner, dressed as the devil, is having a Halloween party for his friends. He recommends two videos, which they rent. The rental agreement is the size of a book and the owner warns them to have the movies back by midnight or pay the price.

Oddly enough the couple is still getting trick or treaters at 10 pm, and complain about the interruptions since they're trying to watch their movies.  Geez people, just turn off your damn porch light!  Also there is no way they can get through both movies in two hours, but somehow there is a rip in the time space continuum and they manage to do it. However they do not return the videos per their agreement, and shortly after midnight there is a knock at the door.

First, be forewarned that this is an anthology.  If you don't know that going into it, it's very confusing when the story switches to a different movie all of a sudden.  The late fee story exists only as a way to patch together two short films, The Pick Up and Damnation, which are supposed to be the videos they're watching.  I wasn't aware that this was an anthology and got completely confused when it cut from the renters on the couch to several people and a location I'd never seen before.  Honestly, I had no interest in either short film since the description and movie title did not give a hint that this was an anthology.

The Stay Awake (1987)

A group of girls at a private school are staying awake to raise money.  The school is deserted except for  the girls and their chaperon who are staying in the gym.  The spirit of a serial killer enters the building and starts murdering whoever he can get his hands on.

It's never clear why the killer is targeting these girls, especially since he was executed in the US.  How did his spirit get to Europe?  Wouldn't it be easier to go after a girls school in the state where he died?

Also someone should have told the special effects team that a gooey, scaly monster with jelly candy eyes is not so spooky.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Terror at the Red Wolf Inn (1972)

aka Terror House

Regina receives an envelope with no return address that contains a letter telling her she's won a vacation.  Naive Regina calls the number provided, even though she didn't enter any contest, and is so overcome with giddy excitement that she doesn't question when she is told she'll have to leave immediately to redeem her prize.  Nor does she falter when she is told by the pilot of the private charter plane she'll be taking to an unknown destination that she will have to call her mom later.

When she arrives at the Red Wolf Inn, she meets two other college  girls who won vacations, Inn owners Evelyn and John, and their grandson Baby John, who is college aged but seems a little soft in the head.

The Inn is beautiful, the owners friendly, and Regina thinks John is cute.  Evelyn cooks huge, delicious meals for everyone.  It's uncomfortable to watch the eating scenes as people are gorging like they haven't eaten in days.  It's bizarre.  Their cheeks bulge with food and yet they continue to shovel it in.  Everyone agrees the ribs are the most tender, tasty things they've ever eaten. Yet we know this is going to end badly since there is too much emphasis on the food and Evelyn doesn't want anyone near the walk in meat locker in the kitchen.

Regina, although a complete ditz, is still likable which is surprising since she doesn't think twice about taking this vacation and doesn't pick up on clues that something isn't right at the house.  She doesn't even get creeped out by the very odd incident which occurs on the beach. Baby John beats a shark to death  while repeatedly screaming, "Shark!" like a crazy man, then turns to look at Regina and deadpans, "I think I love you," before he walks off.

The biggest question I have is about their method of operation to procure women.  Wouldn't it be easier to pick up hitchhikers rather than send anonymous letters to college co-eds?  If anyone had been around in the dorm, Regina would have told them she'd won a vacation.  What percentage of letters get a response, and what are they paying their pilot who must be on call to bring women out but never bring anyone back?

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday (1993)

I thought I saw all the Friday the 13th movies in the theater, but I don't remember this one.  I can't believe I didn't see it, but it doesn't look familiar.  Perhaps I blotted it from my memory since Jason isn't really in it.  Can it really be a Friday the 13th movie when Jason inhabits other people's bodies (by slowly dribbling a large black slug into their mouths, gross!)  Serious, if Jason is represented on screen as a different character who is possessed rather than a huge behemoth in a hockey mask, it's really not Jason, is it?

Only a Voorhees can kill a Voorhees, or so the legend goes, which is what causes all this trouble and leads those left alive to end up in the Voorhees Mansion which has trap doors in the floors.  Huh?  Since when did the family have a mansion and why would they have trap doors?

In a finale that can only be described as laser show Jason, good triumphs over evil again... until next time when we get a teaser for the next Freddy vs. Jason movie.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Drainiac (2000)

If you expect to see anything like the monster on the cover, you'll be sorely disappointed as the only thing you'll see is some slime and some things that look like meat tentacles.

Julie's abusive dad leaves her to clean up an isolated old house he just bought.  When her friends decide to bring her lunch, they are followed by a creepy bully who tries to assault one of the girls.

There is green slimey goo in the basement. It eats a hobo.  Yet when the kids are there, it does not appear.  The meat tentacles appear in Julie's dream and also erupt from the toilet to devour the unsuspecting bully.

A stranger shows up at the door, claims the house is haunted by a ghost in the pipes and asks for help doing an exocism.

There is not much monster in the film.  Just some green goo, a few meat tentacles and some cgi stuff during the exorcism.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

The New York Ripper (1982)

When a serial killer starts targeting women in New York City, the police team up with a professor to discover the killers identity.
After a report that a woman was followed off a train and attacked by a man with two fingers, the police issue a APB for him.

The  report is heard on the radio by a prostitute spending the night a  two fingered man. She freaks out, runs into the hotel hallway to escape, and runs into the real killer at which point she will die die die.

And in an very odd twist (and you'll probably think I'm joking) the killer talks like a duck.  That's right, you heard me.  He makes a lot of phone calls and always sounds like Donald Duck, even when he's mad.  It's stupefying. The film is full of sleazy New York locations and disturbing kills, but then to completely throw you, there's this duck quacking on the phone.  It's bizarre.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Evil Aliens (2005)

The cast and crew of Weird World drive out to an island (only reachable at low tide).  The island is owned by a farming family of three brothers and a sister.  The sister has claimed she was impregnated by an alien.  There is a stone circle on the island which is rumored to be cursed and is the spot of the alien abduction.

Although Weird World reports on UFOs, the supernatural, and Cryptozoology, none of the cast or crew  have ever seen anything to make them believe in what they report on.  In fact, they don't believe anything they report on and believe only in how much money they can make from sensationalizing the stories.

They decide to bring uber fan Gavin, the head of a UFO club, to help sell the reality of the story.  Gavin regularly writes to them to report any errors they've made and is a true believer in aliens.

Also on board for the trip are several actors and an alien suit so they can reenact the abduction.  They interview the sister, who gets upset when they start cross examining her and obviously don't believe her.  Gavin discovers they are faking evidence for their show.  The host claims they are just there to entertain, and informs him that everything they've ever reported was fake.

What the cast and crew doesn't realize is that they have stumbled across real alien activity and the stone circle on the island is a charging station for alien ships.  Soon they will have a battle on their hands as they try to survive the alien onslaught.

Killer Instinct (2001)

A group of teenagers go to an abandoned insane asylum, which turns out to be incredibly clean and full of hundreds of lit candles.  The friends have a club, either called the Fear Club or the Dare Club, I'm not sure which as what they do is neither scary nor daring.  The task tonight is a scavenger hunt where they must each hide someones underwear and whoever finds the most undies is the winner.  Ridiculous for so many reasons, but most importantly this place is three stories high and huge. How would they ever find even one piece of underwear in it?

Meanwhile Sarah Fairchild, played by Dee Wallace, is in town to make an offer on the meat packing plant, which is the life blood of the town.  But when the board angrily refuses to sell,  this causes Fairchild to snap into hard boiled detective mode as she delves deeper into the small town's history.  She scours microfiche and libraries in a frenzy to find out what is so important about the land and the asylum, and finds a scandal that has been buried and untalked about for years.

Back at the asylum, the kids have gotten locked in and things are starting to go horribly wrong.  There's a killer locked in with them, but they don't realize it.  So they do the normal things that teens do when they go to an abandoned asylum - wander off on their own, have sex, and take a shower.  There is no explanation for why the shower is clean and working, why the bed sheets are not dusty or dirty, or for the lack of any filth anywhere in the abandoned building - which if you didn't set up the scenario that it had been empty for years, you'd think someone lived there.

Madness (2010)

Two cheerleaders, who seem to have taken acting lessons from Tommy Wiseau, are heading to a big cheerleading competition in Minneapolis.  They stop in the middle of nowhere for gas, meet two guys whose car isn't working, and give them a ride.

Unfortunately the teens have attracted the attention of a messed up hillbilly family whose hobby is killing young folks.  After the one eyed freaky hillbilly throws a dead animal on their windshield, they run off the road and are forced to head back to the gas station on foot.

On the way back, they manage to get a ride from a driver who turns out to be another freaky hillbilly. Personally, I'd be suspicious if there was a cage between the front and back seat, but these kids don't bat an eye until they realize they're being kidnapped.  One of the guys dives out of the moving car in a bid to escape, but the others just sit there and don't try to run even once they've stopped.

The characters are supposed to be American teenagers, but it's obvious by their accents and dialogue that they are anything but.  The gas is sold in liters and the station is called Pump.

When the teens manage to get the upper hand at various times throughout the film, they do not capitalize on their situation by grabbing guns or weapons to make sure the hillbillys can't hurt them.  Instead, they just run off into the woods.  Also I can't believe that multiple hits in the face with brass knuckles wouldn't cave in part of your skull, or that when someone's neck essentially has a spigot pouring blood, that he could continue to run through the woods.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Deadlands: The Rising (2006)

Dave and Gary head out early in the morning for a day of shooting cans and drinking beer in the country. When they try to get home that night, they find the city in gridlock as a zombie outbreak has overrun the town.

While Gary's wife and son are waiting for his return, there is a knock at the door.  The police  are advising everyone to lock all their doors and windows, and stay inside.  As soon as the policeman steps off the porch, he is set upon by zombies. Oddly enough this prompts Gary's wife to decide to go outside, get in the car and leave.  Geez lady, at least wait until the zombies have wandered off.

Eventually she meets up with Dave and Gary at a friends house which is isolated and in the middle of nowhere.  As time passes, they wonder if the zombies are still out there as they haven't seen or heard anyone in a long time.  Hmmm, did the zombies learn how to drive?  Because you can hear traffic in the background.

The main problem with this film is that it's an amateur production.  There is lots of padding, bad sound, bad pacing, uninspiring camera work, and not much happens during the movie.  The zombies are mostly absent from the film, and when they do appear they seem to have white face paint on.  Also if it was the zombie apocalypse, wouldn't you at least keep your porch door shut and locked, just in case?

I give anyone credit who can actually get a movie filmed, edited, and completed.  But at the same time, just because I admire the dedication and effort that went into it, that doesn't mean it's good.

As a side note, while I was watching it I wrote down the words horrible and slow.  But I honestly can't remember whether I was referring to the zombies or the movie.

Sasquatch Mountain (2006)

aka Devil on the Mountain

The first thing you'll notice is that the title card in the film says Devil on the Mountain, but the dvd says Sasquatch Mountain.  Hmmm, that doesn't bode well.

When their hold up goes wrong, a group of bank robbers shoot a deputy.  But on the way out of town on an isolated dirt road, they end up in a car accident.  With the police hot on their heels, the two groups engage in a gun battle before the bad guys disappear  into the woods with their hostage Erin.

Erin has in her possession a VHS that was given to her by the gas station attendant who was having a yard sale at work.  The video just happens to contain home video of Bigfoot taken by the attendant's mother who shot the footage the night she died.

Since Erin wants a picturesque route out of town, she's advised to take the dirt road which will eventually turn scenic.  Yeah.... but when I'm driving through an area I'm not familiar with I never take dirt roads in the middle of nowhere.

Chase Jackson, played by Lance Henriksen, is a tow truck drive whose wife died twenty years ago when she was hit by a car.  But right before she died, she captured footage of Bigfoot.  The hit and run is not a plot point, although I figured it would be.  The biggest hole in the story would be that for twenty years Lance has maintained that they saw Bigfoot that night, and no one will believe him.  So... he never showed anyone the freaking tape?  I can see why he wouldn't want to watch it since his wife was hit while filming, but holy cow give it so someone else.

It's robbers vs. lawmen. vs. the tracker vs. Chase Jackson vs. Bigfoot in a mediocre, mostly non-Bigfoot robbers-on-the-lam movie.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

House (1977)

aka Hausu

Total craziness from Japan with a freaky cat painting that spews blood, a piano that consumes people, and a spirit waiting for her fiance who never came back from the war.

Oshare and her father always take a summer vacation together.  But this year her father announces he is getting married and his fiance is coming along on their vacation.

Oshare is upset and decides to visit her Aunt, who she met once when six years old.  Along for the ride are six friends whose names describe their personalities - Sweet, Fantasy, Professor, Melody, Kung Fu, and Mac.  Mac likes to eat and is the butt of many fat jokes, but she's really not fat.

Strange things happen as the objects in the house attack and kill the girls.  The Aunt needs to eat young girls to remain young.  She also has a cat with supernatural powers.  Also inexplicably, Mr. Togo turns into a huge pile of bananas. Huh?

R-Point (2004)

The military is shocked when they start receiving distress calls from a unit in the field that disappeared over six months ago. The only man to return from the unit was badly burned, traumatized, and  claimed that they were attacked, but insisted it was not by the Vietcong.

A rescue team is sent to R-Point, where the unit was last seen.  As they make their way through the landscape, they must deal with enemy firepower, a lake which is now a burial ground, strange visitors, and the possibility that the land is haunted and they may never return home.

While there is some suspense, it is easy to get the characters confused as they are mainly seen in a group and most of the guys do not have any background or character development.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Vampire Party (2008)

aka Les dents de la nuit

Friends Sam, Alice, and Prune manage to get invitations to Medici Night, an exclusive party that takes place in a secret location, and is the stuff of urban legends.  The trio, along with other guests, are flown via helicopter to an old castle where an invitation is required for admittance.

Inside the castle is a rave where the crowd are going wild.  But what the party goers don't realize is that inside another entrance  there is a different group of party goers waiting to attend.  For in reality, the party is a ruse to provide dinner for a large group of vampires.

The rest of the movie involves the main characters trying to escape the castle.  Somehow they all manage to avoid being bitten when the feasting on blood began.  There are some laughs, but the film is not like Airplane, as it says on the front cover.  It's okay, but not a laugh riot.  I don't think I laughed out loud even once.

Scream (1981)

A group on a rafting trip decide to spend the night in a ghost town.  When one of them is killed, they question whether the killer is a stranger or one of their group. Although the victim died while wandering off on his own, two others wander off alone during the night and meet their demise.

The next day they discover their rafts are gone. The nearest town is thirty miles away and no one will send a search party until they don't show up at their scheduled destination that night.  Despite the presence of a killer in town, the group decide to wait for help rather than leave.

Later in the day, two lost dirt bikers arrive and the group convinces one to let them borrow his bike to try to get help.  That night an old man on a horse, along with a dog, come into town with the body of one of the dirt bikers.  The old man tells them a confusing story about a sea caption and then leaves.

If you're looking for thrills or a revelation of who or what is doing the killings, or even a glimpse of the killer, you'll be sadly mistaken.  There is not a lot of dialogue and the music is right out of an early 80s tv show, think Hardcastle and McCormick or Magnum PI.  It's pretty slow moving and there isn't really a pay off since the killer's identity is left open ended.

Graveyard Disturbance

Five teens shoplift at a small store while traveling in a custom painted Van with portraits of Madonna and Duran Duran on the side of it.  While trying to escape from the police in the Obvious Mobile, the group turns down a dirt road they believe is a short cut and end up stuck in the mud.  After a long walk, they bed down in the ruins of a church for the night but soon awaken to strange noises and discover a neon sign designating a pub in the basement of the ruins.

The inhabitants of the pub are super sketchy, but our little group sits down to order food and drink.  When they notice a glass globe about three feet wide filled with valuables, the Proprietor tells them that anyone who can spend the entire night in the crypts can claim the treasure.

Oddly enough the group devise a plan in which David will volunteer to be locked in the crypts for the night.  Once the pub closes, then the others can sneak back in to join him.  It doesn't make any sense on so many levels.  You want to grab them and shout, "Hey kids, notice how that container is filled with cash, jewels, and gold?  Well, that means that all those other people before you have failed." Well I guess you'd want to do that if you cared about them, but they're not the most likeable folks.

After the others are in the crypts, they locate David and bodies start rising from coffins while strange monsters lurk in the dark hallways until roused by the groups appearance.  All the kids want to leave but can't figure a way out.  There is a weird eyeball monster and one of the bodies in the crypt has a rotten head but a normal body.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Forget Me Not (2009)

While celebrating their high school graduation, a group of friends drives out to the cemetery to play a game they used to play when they were kids.  One person is the ghost, and everyone they tag becomes ghosts until one person is left.  When the vengeful spirit of Angela is awakened, the group become targets of her wrath as they were responsible for her getting hurt as a child.

Sandy, who used to be Angela's friend, is the only one who can remember things as they were.  As each of her friends dies, it is as if they never existed. The remaining members of the group start thinking Sandy is having a breakdown.  None of them have any memory of the people who die or their houses or cars which appear long abandoned.  It all becomes a race against time as Sandy tries to figure out what is really going on, how to stop it, and why she is the only one who can remember people who were their best friends.

While it's an interesting concept, there are a couple of problems.  Since Angela is not dead, how can her spirit interact with and kill those who did her wrong.  Also, Angela's reaction to her best friend playing a game with the other kids is kind of psycho, which makes her a much less sympathetic character.    Based on her outburst, you can actually identify with the kids who decide to play a prank on her.  Let's face it, no one likes to hang out with a big baby.

But the biggest problem is the ripple effect that would come from friends not ever existing.  Someone is erased from history, yet their friends lives remain almost unchanged, except for a lack of memory.  So if TJ never existed, the house he lived in would be long abandoned?  No one else would have lived there for years?  Did I blink and miss that he had fixed up an abandoned house?  It would be much more effective if someone else lived there.  Or someone else was driving the sports car.

When the movie begins, we randomly cut from scene to scene, all with different characters.  We aren't told who they are or how they relate to each other.  Also all the girls look very similar, so we kept getting confused as to whether the new scene had a new girl, or one who'd already been interacting with other characters.

Lastly, the ghosts, or whatever they are, that kill the kids look like a cross between the twitchy Japanese horror spirits, Marilyn Manson in the Beautiful People video, and someone in an Ace Frehley costume made out of duct tape.

Kull the Conquerer (1997)

When Kull beats the King in a sword fight, the dying monarch bestows his crown on Kull.  The heirs to the throne band to gether to plot Kull's death by reanimating the Red Witch.  The witch puts a spell on Kull in order to become his bride.  When the witch poisons him on his wedding night, the heirs are ecstatic until they discover the witch has changed her bargain with them and intends to remain in power.

Kull bands together with the palace psychic and her priest brother in order to destroy the witch and the men who sought his death.  Kull is a benevolent King who makes positive changes in the kingdom, like freeing the slaves.  Oh that Kull, he's such a good guy.

The music vears from metal to orchestral and back again.  Much of the movie could be from a Manowar metal video. There are a plethora of cod pieces in this flick.

The Thaw (2009)

When you title your movie, you should try to make it something that will generate some sort of interest so people will want to see your film.  The Thaw, besides being really generic, is almost a tongue twister and sounds like whoever is saying it has a lisp.  How about for the next one we call it The Thcrewdriver?

Dr. Kruipen, world famous expert in global warming, is in the Artic doing research in hopes of convincing people of the seriousness of this issue.  While tracking a polar bear, he discovers the melting ice caps have revealed a wooly mammoth.  However the mammoth is infected with some sort of parasite which is not finicky about who or what it inhabits.  

Three students majoring in Ecology who were chosen to work with Kruipen are already on their way.  The fourth member of their team, Kruipen's daughter, is only there due to feeling forced into it by her  often absent father.  

Due to the risks associated with his find, Kruipen asks the pilot to tell his daughter there is a change of plans and she can not come out to the site.  She refuses to accept this since she has traveled so far, as well as the fact that she is angry at her father so she's not going to do what he says.

When the pilot, college students, and daughter arrive at home base, they find it deserted and also find the carcass of the polar bear in the lab.  When one of her father's crew shows up badly injured and no one at the camp will answer on the radio, two of the students head out to find out what happened.  The parasite is at the site and back at the base, and as it infects people, the chances of survival get slimmer.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Brain Twisters (1993)

Professor Phillip Rothman, who looks like a cross between Alice Cooper and Rik Ocasek, is using his students in a research project for a company called Biotonics.  Skanky Michelle is doing poorly in class, so she offers sex for a good grade.  But Rothman would rather have her assist in his experiment meant to measure emotional responses to nerve stimulation.  Somehow this relates to computer game research.

Michelle is afraid of having electrodes hooked up to her head.  Rothman tells her, "If it's too much to handle, push the escape button."  My rule?  Count me out if your experiment is risky enough to need an escape button.  Too bad Michelle didn't have the same self preservation instincts since Rothman's experiment has the side effect of causing uncontrollable anger which leads to attacking and/or killing other people.

Meanwhile Laurie, who is in the same class and is doing work study for Rothman, finds her best friend murdered.  The Detective asks her to accompany him when they tell her friend's fiance, Ted.  They find Ted working as a waiter, order a meal, and then tell him the bad news.  As can be expected, Ted reacts badly.  But it gets weird because there are pinball sound effects, Ted looks strange, and then he jumps out the window.

Police are suspicious of Rothman because he claimed Ted's body and has a signed contract stating the body can be used for scientific research.  Rothman feigns innocence, but since his experiments involve cutting the heads off corpses, you know there's a problem.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Lost Boys: The Thirst (2010)

The author of a series of teen vampire novels recruits retired vampire hunter Edgar Frog to help find her younger brother who disappeared at a rave.  She believes he was taken by vampires who plan to use him as a sacrifice at a huge underground rave about to take place nearby.

The new drug supplied at the raves is called Thirst.  Kids are given the drug which contains blood from the alpha vampire, thus ushering them into the league of the undead.

Along with Edgar, the novelist also hires a reality TV host who thinks this is like his show, a fake.  Edgar is not happy about this development, but decides to lead the mission as if he lets the obnoxious TV host go off on his own it will surely be a disaster.

Alan Frog, who was bitten by a vampire, contributes to the cause by making equipment that Edgar can use to kill the vampires.

While it can't complete with the original movie, it's still better than the sequel from a few years ago which featured random teens who come to stay in town and meet vampires.  The Frog Brothers are central to this movie, which makes it work.

The Apple (1980)

Metaphor-heavy, social commentary wrapped in a disco bow, The Apple is set in the "future" (1994) and tells the fable of a duo who discover that they must sell their souls to Satan to get ahead in the music industry. Naive duo Alfie and Bibi travel from a small town to compete in a world singing competition but are beaten by a band sponsored by BIM, Boogalow International Music.

When Mr. Boogalow offers them a contract, they are ecstatic until Alfie starts to read it and decides not to sign.  Bibi betrays Alfie by signing the contract as she is willing to do whatever it takes to make it big.  Soon Bibi is selling out concerts all over the world, with throngs of fans mobbing her everywhere she goes.  She's also under influence of speed as Mr. Boogalow keeps his artists in a state of subservience with pharmaceuticals and thinly veiled threats to do what he requests.

Alfie wants to make it on his own, but is going nowhere.  He  misses Bibi and sees how shes changed.  So he tries to save her from herself, the star machine that is BIM and Mr. Boogalow who is Satan.   There are lots of songs, dancing, and discoing all over the place.

As always, anytime someone in the 1980s tries to picture what the future looks like, they get it horribly, hilariously wrong.  There are many flashy, glittery, silvery ridiculous outfits.

Yup, no religious overtones in this scene.
In 1994, everyone will dress like this.
Bibi wears silver spandex and makes it big.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Dark Harvest 3: Scarecrow (2004)

aka Skarecrow

Well, if there's one thing I can say about this - unlike Dark Harvest 2 - there certainly is a killer scarecrow in it.

A group of friends, who don't seem to like each all that much, head up to an old family cabin for their annual weekend retreat. On the way they stop for gas and receive a warning of death from a crazy old blind preacher. They ignore it and continue to the abandoned cabin, which is inexplicably spotless.

Although there were remarks about the water being undrinkable and no one has used the place for years, as soon as they arrive one of the girls wants to take a bath. Very strange considering it only took  an hour to drive there.  Why wouldn't she bathe before the trip? Makes no sense.

Due to the flashback at the beginning of the movie, we know that the family ran an illegal moonshine operation and seized the land from the actual owner. Bad news as the old lady was a witch and her curse immediately brought death at the hands of her scarecrow. And what our semi-young vacationers do not know is that the witch cursed the moonshiners descendents. Hurrah for the fun weekend ahead!

There is lots of beer and plans for the pursuit of the opposite sex. One couple heads out for a romantic  walk across the field. When the girl refuses to put out near an old scarecrow, the guy punches her in the face.  Her blood splashes the scarecrow, disappearing into it's clothing. Uh oh, that can't be good.

As per usual, the first couple to have sex are the first to suffer a casualty. The rest of the film is everyone running around, trying to figure out if the cabin owner is the killer, and trying not to die along the way.

The acting is atrocious. There were times I actually laughed out loud at the line reads. The film is supposed to take place in 1981, but we only know that because they said so. There is nothing 1980s about this movie, including the clothing and hair styles. The camera work is often very jerky, especially zooming out from closeups, and has a home movie camcorder feel to it. The behind the scenes footage shows that they did not have soft boxes or any real lighting.

Confusing scenes which go nowhere and have no impact on anything:
  1. Bandana guy gets something several inches long stuck in his finger while in the basement. He states,"ow that smarts," loses a fingernail, and it is never mentioned again.
  2. Although they carry in water from the well to fill the bathtub, later they use the tap and have no trouble getting water to wash a cut.
  3. Allie has a psychic vision and passes out when touching an old book - which is barely dusty after having been in the basement for years. But its never explained why and none of her visions are useful or involved in the plot.
  4. There is a POV shot from the vantage point of the girl in the sex scene, with the camera going up and down to simulate whats going on.
  5. There is a cat scare.
  6. Allie keeps taking deep breaths as if she is sniffing something, but it turns out to be just bad acting as she is trying to seem out of breath.
  7. Cindy disappears from front door and Allie freaks out. She picks something off the floor and rubs it on her face. It turns out to be Cindy's hair, ewww!
  8. When Allie screeches, she sounds like a cross between a crow and an old witch cackling.
  9. Allie is making noises, but its unclear whether shes making animal noises or if they're supposed to somehow represent her fear.
  10. Someone needs to let Allie know that screeching is not a substitute for an emotion.
  11. Brent claims he never knew about the bulkhead that leads from the outside into the basement. But it's not hidden. There's a bulkhead outside and a door in the basement .
  12. Why is Allie so freaked out by the old scarecrow. 

Dark Harvest 2: The Maize (2004)

aka The Maize: The Movie

The first thing you need to know is that there is no scarecrow in this movie. Did you hear me? No scarecrow.  Not only that, but we are treated to a movie that was originally called The Maize: The Movie.  Seriously?  That title screams to be ignored.

You know you're in trouble when you notice that the lead actor is also listed as writer, producer, director, cameraman, and assistant to the editor.  What enthusiastic amateurs often don't understand is that its a good idea to get another opinion involved to provide constructive criticism so you don't end up with an unwatchable mess.

Shy Walker has questionable psychic abilities which have previously predicted vague horrible consequences in the near future.  While handing out Halloween candy, he has a vision of harm coming to his daughters.  When a phone call to his wife reveals that the girls are somewhere inside a corn maize, Walker rushes rescue them.

The girls are dressed as vampires and are making a video about being lost in a corn maize. Duh. At one point, the camera zooms in and out as the older sister has the younger one scream while filming her mouth from less than a foot away. Seriously, they show footage of the girl screaming for several minutes.  It gets really annoying.

The girls run into a couple of semi-creepy little girls who speak in tandem and are looking for a lost locket.  After realizing these girls may not be alive, the daughters drop their camera and run off screaming.  As night falls, they find themselves lost in the maize.

Luckily their father is looking for them... still. Hour after hour he walks through the corn maize trying to find them. Is it really so big that they can't hear each other yelling? Why doesn't his wife, waiting outside the entrance, ask for help from the people running the place? They'll know how to get through the maize.  Or why not send out a search party?

I guess because otherwise we would only have about ten minutes worth of footage.  The film is mostly people walking through the corn maize. Plus a long sequence of the father digging in the dirt.  The spotlights shining on the actors are very distracting as they are supposed to be alone in the corn maize.  Yet there is this spotlight only on them.  When Walker is handcuffed and manages to pick the lock, I thought, "gee, it's a good thing someone is shining a light on his hands otherwise he wouldn't be able to do that."