Saturday, July 31, 2010

Thrill Killers (1964)

An actor trying to make it big and his wife go to a cafe and run into three lunatics with a penchant for killing who just escaped from an asylum. One of the lunatics has a cousin, played by Cash Flagg, who is a psycho killer. Sounds exciting but it's mostly a whole lot of nothing.

I like Ray Dennis Steckler movies. They always have some sort of charm, but this is my least favorite of the ones I've seen. It's tedious to sit through. Although I was amused in one scene where a woman wearing high heels runs down a dirt road with the killer running far behind her. How can he not catch her?

Friday, July 30, 2010

Kiltro (2006)

The description on the box mentioned a gang named Kiltro, martial arts, and has a cover which features a guy in face paint, a villain with what appears to be a scar on his face, and the words "martial arts movie spectacular". Yes!

So I was disappointed when the gang was barely in the movie, the spectacular part was the ending, and the storyline followed Zamir's love for Kim.

Kim has no interest in Zamir and is tired of him beating up every guy who gets near her. When the evil villian comes to town to take revenge on Kim's dad, Zamir tries to protect them but gets badly beaten. He goes on a journey to find a master so that he can come back and beat the villain.

The ending is pretty good as there are some good fight scenes, but it takes a long time to get there. The other thing is that while Zamir is portrayed sympathetically in his obsessive love for Kim, all they would have to do is change the music and he'd come off as a creepy stalker.

The Keeper (2009)

Seagal plays Roland, a detective who is shot and left for dead by his partner and then forced to retire due to medical reasons. An old friend calls to request his services as a body guard as a rival business man is trying to kidnap his daughter.

When you watch a Seagal film, you know what you're getting. There's no new ground here. Seagal smacks some people around and threatens to shove their arms down their throats if they don't leave the girl alone. But for some reason, no one ever listens to him and they end up dead or broken in pieces.

Segal is in typical form as he mumbles his way through the dialogue, but at least there's not the dubbed in voice of another actor to confuse things. As usual, his hair appears to be made of charcoal brillo pads which is really disturbing.

Spring Break Shark Attack (2005)

The strangest thing about Spring Break Shark Attack is that the movie is mostly void of sharks. Instead it concentrates much more on partying at spring break and the blue collar townie who falls in love with the college girl.

Danielle really wants to go to spring break with her friends, but her dad says there are too many guys there who only want one thing. Sweet virgin Danielle is used to be pushed around by everyone, but she somehow manages to lie to her parents and go to spring break.

Unfortunately her dad is right and she is an easy mark for uber tool JT who slips her a roofie, which he later tries to blame on all round good guy and can't afford to go to college townie Shane, who works at his mother boat rental business.

Danielle's friends are idiots because after she passes out at their house party - which is attended by 100 people they don't even know - they leave her alone in the bedroom which is at the top of a staircase in the living area and doesn't even have a door. Way to protect your friend, losers! Danielle drunk dials her dad and apologizes for defying him. Daddy races down to spring break even though he has no idea where she's staying.

In other side plots, Danielle's brother is a marine biologist who is working on a machine that repells sharks and a local businessman is chumming the waters to draw sharks away from his hotel on the beach the next town over.

Danielle and her friends have a wacky hat montage, which pretty much tells you everything you need to know about this film.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Bloody Movie (1987)

aka Terror Night

A group of teenagers decide to go to old time Hollywood film legend Lance Heyward's mansion which is scheduled to be torn down. Heyward disappeared years ago and the world assumes that he's dead. But now that his house has been sold and is destined for destruction, someone is killing anyone who comes onto the property.

The kids stumble onto lots of old memorabilia and costumes. What they don't realize is that there is a biker and his girlfriend in the building as well as our mysterious killer. The murders take place exaclty like deaths in all Heyward's old movies.

The question is whether Heyward is alive, a ghost, or if it is someone else. There is a scene where a girl is kissed to death, but it's a lot more boring than it sounds.

Return of the Living Dead Girls (1987)

aka La revanche des mortes vivantes

A misguided environmentalist poisons the local milk supply which kills three girls. They rise from the grave, but I'm not sure if it is from the milk or from the toxic chemicals the company is disposing of in the graveyard. But whatever the reason, the dead girls seek revenge.

These are not your typical dead. They ring the door bell and wait to be told to come in. They drive off in a car. They carefully climb into a pool or hide behind rocks. These girls are stealthy.

There is a ridculous blackmail plot which involves a prostitute and a video tape. There is also a pregnant lady whose belly dissolves and her husband, whose hand turns into gooey roast beef because he had sex with a corpse and didn't notice.

There is crazy nonsensical dialogue. I couldn't tell if it was just bad writing or bad translation since the movie was originally in French. Overall it is awesomely confusing, ridiculous, and the only living dead movie I can think of where the dead hitchhike, someone actually stops to give them a ride, and then they get chased by the police. Awesome! It was bad but I enjoyed it.

Friday, July 16, 2010

The Lost Skeleton Returns Again (2010)

The cast from the Lost Skeleton of Cadavra return in this sequel that picks up a couple years after the first. This time they head to South Africa in search of a radio active element which is in the possession of the Cantaloupe People in the Valley of the Monsters.

Larry Blamire is a master at parodies of 1950s/early 1960s movies and tv shows. The ridiculous dialogue, the cheap effects, and the silly situations could pass for movies made during that time period. If you liked the first movie, you'll like this one also. There are lots of laugh out loud moments, although it does drag at certain points and is not quite as funny as the first one. I'm definitely planning on adding this to my dvd collection.

Carriers (2009)

When a virus wipes out most of the population, brothers Brian and Danny, along with females Bobby and Kate, head towards a beach where the brothers used to have idyllic childhood vacations. When their car breaks down, they end up having to share a car with a father whose daughter has been infected. The father and daughter are heading to a small town where they've heard there is a cure.

When the group arrives, the town appears to be deserted. While the group searches for help, Bobby stays with the sick little girl who coughs up blood which hits Bobby in the face.
The group, sans father and daughter, head on their way, but Bobby does not disclose that she may be infected.

They make lots of stupid decisions, such as not wearing the gloves or masks that dangle from their necks. As you can image, things do not go well for the group who must then make some tough decisions regarding survival and friendship.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Stan Helsing (2009)

Stan Helsing's boss insists he make a last minute video delivery on Halloween night. Stan and his friends, already in costume and headed towards a party, take a detour to deliver the dvd. They end up trapped in a town which is full of monsters. When Stan figures out he is a relative of the legendary Van Helsing, he and his friends try to save the town from their curse.

Obviously this is a parody, but it's just not a funny one. There are moments here and there where I laughed. But mostly it was just a bad comedy. Near the end there is a song competition where its monsters versus good guys. While it might have been okay if it were snippets of the songs, they are complete songs lasting 3 or more minutes each. It's brutal.

Werewolf: Devil's Hound (2007)

After being captured in Europe, a werewolf is shipped to the US for examination, but is mistakenly delivered to a special effects company. The werewolf, who looks like a Yeti, breaks out of the crate and bites Kevin, the owners son.

Kevin begins acting strange and ends up getting in a fight with his wife at a dance club when he starts dancing with a female who turns out to be the yeti/werewolf in human form.

While the beginning of the film has the obligatory non-funny comic relief character, it's almost like the filmmakers gave up half way through and decided to try to make a comedy. Bumbling bounty hunters show up to collect the werewolf and do sub par physical comedy while everyone runs around trying not to get bitten by the yeti/werewolf lady.

Death Bed: The Bed That Eats (1977)

Before watching Death Bed, there is the option of watching an interview with the director who tells a long drawn out story filled with inconsequential details which add nothing to his tale and make you want to fall asleep. This does not bode well for Death Bed.

The movie is literally about a bed that eats people. It also eats anything else that you might set upon it and can even send it's bed sheets out like tentacles to grab anyone trying to escape. The bed sits in an empty room which also has a mantle which is used as a fire place. Yes, it's only a mantle placed against the wall, not actually a fireplace. There is also a painting with a man sitting behind it who feels sorry for all the people the bed eats.

We meet the bed when a young couple comes to the abandoned mansion to have a tryst upon the it. Yeeech! If you went to an abandoned building, would you lie down on the bed in there, let alone take off your clothes? I wouldn't. But apparently I'm odd because everyone in this film has no problem jumping into an old bed in a long abandoned house. Gross!

As the couple make out, the bed eats their picnic lunch which consists of an apple, a bottle of wine, and a bucket of chicken. The items each sink into the bed, are consumed in a bubbling yellow liquid, and then the remnants are returned to the top of the blanket. When the male finds that his bucket of chicken is full of bones, he confusedly says, "I must have made a mistake." Yes, because it's so easy to mistakenly bring a bucket of bones to a picnic rather than edible chicken. I do that all the time.

As the movie goes on, people sink down into the bed and are slowly eaten. One girl fights her way out and almost makes it to the door before being dragged back into the bed's yellow liquid grave. When another girl finally figures out the bed is evil, her brother tries to save her by stabbing the bed. How I wish I was kidding when I wrote that.

His knife and hands sink into the bed, which is too bad since the bed ends up eating his hands. Luckily his sister is able to pull him off the bed. With skeleton hands raised in the air, he heaves a sigh of relief. As one part of his finger falls off, he dejectedly states that this will just keep happening and asks his sister to break off both his hands at the wrist. She complies.

This movie is hilarious, strange, and boring. Everyone should watch it once.