Friday, October 30, 2009

Yeti (2008)

A college football team's plane crashes in the Himalayas where they must struggle to survive the cold, and oh yeah, there's a hungry Yeti on the loose. Could it get any sillier? Well yes it could because the Yeti has floppy over sized rubber hands with three fingers, a rubber mask and silly looking fur.

This movie is so ridiculous that it's really enjoyable. I'm so tired of bad cgi that I was very excited by the guy in the silly Yeti suit. But to make things more interesting, they decided that the Yeti would sometimes be cgi, which made him look even more laughable. And in a twist unknown to Yeti's before, the cgi Yeti can jump so far he you could say he's flying. Oh silly flying Yeti.... there is no explanation for your power and you look ridiculous.

Highlights of the movie were:

  1. the desperate search for matches to build a fire while parts of the plane burn around them.
  2. the neatest, cleanest corpses from a plane crash ever - no blood, no ripped clothing, no dirt, no discernible trauma of any kind.
  3. although never mentioned in the first half of the movie, apparently the plane is on the edge of a cliff which is convenient for the Yeti to push it over.
  4. the guy who uses a severed arm as a splint for his broken leg.
  5. one of the girls says a monster stole one of the dead bodies but they don't believe her - the dead bodies are their team mates, they should recognize if someone is missing.
  6. when the girl says a second body has been stolen, they still can't figure it out.
  7. the group reluctantly decides to try cannibalism even though they don't want to eat their friends, but never thinks to look for the body parts that were around the crash site.
  8. the hunks of flesh are the color and shape of a piece of peanut butter fudge.
  9. the girl who is opposed to cannibalism puts the bodies into the fire so no one can eat them, thus effectively cooking them.
  10. this is the same girl who saw the Yeti take the dead bodies, yet never considers that the hungry Yeti now has nothing to eat except the survivors.
  11. the Yeti who does a stop, drop, and roll when set on fire.
  12. the only two characters whose names I remembered - Coach and Chubs - died in the crash.
  13. the girl who kills the rabbit with one shot says it is because she used to throw the javelin -this makes no sense since javelins are thrown for distance, not pinpoint accuracy.
  14. Lastly, when you try to emotionally affect your audience by having the group kill one of your own, it can't be a minor character that your audience has forgotten ever existed.

To the Devil... A Daughter (1976)

Catherine is a teenager who has been raised as a nun and wants to do good in the world. Unfortunately, she believes in following the teachings of the man who raised her, Father Michael Rayner, the leader of a Satanic Cult. Catherine's father made deal with the devil and she is to become the devil's bride when she turns eighteen.

Catherine's dad wants out of the deal and entrusts Catherine's safety to John Verney, a famous author who has just written a book about satanism. John isn't a very good caretaker as Catherine tends to wander off while under the spell of Rayner.

There is a weird gooey satan baby that is carried around in an incubator. The film also has the coolest bridge I have ever seen - a roll out bridge, (which I would use constantly if I lived near it), that goes right over the canal and can be retracted if a boat needs to go through.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

The Hollow (2004)

Ian Cranston's family recently moved to Sleeph Hollow. His dad is the football coach who hates that Nick wants to fence rather than play football. Ian is picked on by quarterback Brody, a bully who takes special interest in Nick due to Nick's burgeoning relationship with Brody's ex-girlfriend, Karen.

Ian is talked into being a tour guide for the local halloween hayride. But it turns out to be a bad idea since Ian is actually a descendent of Ichabod Crane and he headless horseman wants his head. The crazy old cemetery caretaker is the only one who understands what's going on, but no one believes him.

Nothing special about this one.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Pumpkin Karver (2006)

A prank gone wrong on Halloween results in Johnathan killings his sister's boyfriend, who is wearing an pumpkin mask, with a knife. One year later they're in a new town and trying to start over. Their mother must be the most insensitive woman alive because she's moved the family to Carver, which is known for it's pumpkins.

Johnathan and sister are heading to a Halloween party at a pumpkin farm, ugh........ yes, that ought to go well. On their trip, they run into a creepy farmer with a truck load of pumpkins. Later they run into him again at the farm and he creepily talks to Johnathan about carving pumpkins and people.

Johnathan keeps seeing a pumpkin masked killer stalking around the farm and constantly breaks into tears. His sister sets him up with a friend, whose big dumb jock ex-boyfriend beats up Johnathan. Wooo, great party!

Not a lot of blood or killing, but lots of stupidity. It's never explained why Johnathan could not be left alone on Halloween. He's in high school and seems to be only slightly younger than his sister. But he seemed off even before he killed her boyfriend. At first I thought he was possibly retarded, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

I've seen this twice. The first time I thought it was so bad it was funny. But watching it again, I can't imagine what I liked about it as it just wasn't very good and I didn't find anything amusing, especially not the lame comic relief characters.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Trick R Treat (2008)

Look at that little guy on the cover. He's sooooo cute! How could you not adore him, even though he might kill you horribly? Even at his scariest, I couldn't help thinking he was cute, which undercuts the scare factor.

This is an anthology, which is usually a bad sign, but they mange to do a pretty good job. All the characters show up in the other segments, so it is all tied together but not in an obnoxious, forced way. It's interesting how it's all woven together.

Some of the stories have obvious endings, but overall it was worth watching. It was well done and while I wouldn't watch it again, my friends liked it so much they might add it to their movie collection.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Terror Firmer (1999)

A killer plagues a low budget movie set while they are trying to film. Lloyd Kaufman plays the blind director in this film that is littered with random ideas and gross gags. It's a Troma film, which means tasteless, corny and set ups that often broadcast the questionable punchlines. There are some funny moments, but mostly it will make you groan due to the lame jokes or juvenile humor. So yeah, it's a typical Troma movie. It is notable for two actors appearing in full frontal nudity. There are also naked women, but that's common in horror movies.

Dracula 2000 (2000)

Van Helsing is a rich old man whose mission in life is to guard the world from Dracula. He stays alive by injecting himself with Dracula's blood and keeping Drac locked up in a coffin in a hidden room in a vault in his mansion.

One of Van Helsing's assistants decides to rob him, breaks into the vault with a gang and finds the secret room. Stupidly deciding that there must be something incredibly valuable in the coffin (in a direct rip off of Dark Shadows), the group steals the coffin and plans how to spend their riches.

Unfortunately the coffin has had blood spilled on it and Dracula emerges from his cocoon with a vengeance and thirst for blood. Van Helsing must get back the coffin and protect his only daughter from Dracula's clutches. Dracula has long dreamy hair, but is really quite vapid.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus (2009)

Wow, what could be better than this? A prehistoric shark and octopus are released from a giant iceberg and get right back into that prehistoric fight to the death they were having when they were frozen. But first they're going to swim around and do some destruction.

The Octopus heads to Tokyo and the Shark heads to San Francisco where it bites into the Golden Gate Bridge - and this having already brought a plane down from the sky!

This movie is as bad as you think it would be and that's why it's so enjoyable. The sets resemble those on tv show from the 1970s and the dialogue is ridiculous. Also it stars Debbie Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas, hooray!

Ghost Rider (2007)

Dare devil Johnny Blaze sells his soul to cure his father's cancer, not realizing the devil does not make an honest deal. After his father's death by other methods, Blaze becomes a big star on the dare devil circuit. Years later the devil needs his help in fighting evil minions trying to take his power and Blaze becomes the Ghost Rider, a fire clad skeleton on a flaming bike.

The Ghost Rider fights Blackheart, who reminds me of a vampire from a bad movie. Not because he bites people, but because he's not threatening and he's got a face of pancake white.

The best thing about the movie is the flaming skeleton. Oh and I almost forgot, Sam Elliot is the former ghost rider and Sam is cool even in the worst movies. When Nicolas Cage did Valley Girl and other early movies with weird stories, I thought he was quirky and had his own style. Now that he's doing the same exact thing in big budget movies, I realize he's just not a very good actor.