Friday, August 28, 2009

Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer (2007)

As a child, Jack saw his family killed by monsters.  Now an adult, Jack is plagued by an anger problem and a girlfriend who treats him poorly.  He's a plumber, but spends his nights taking classes with his girlfriend.  

Robert Englund is the professor who asks Jack to help with a plumbing problem at his house.  This leads to an accident in which the professor finds a large box containing a black heart which was buried due to the curse on it.  The heart enters the professor and turns him into a monster.  When he starts killing the night school students, Jack decides to fight back and face his childhood monster fears.

Robert Englund does a good job and Trevor Matthews is likable as Jack.  The movie is fun and does an okay job of mixing comedy and horror.

Tamara (2005)

Another movie about a high school prank going terribly wrong resulting in an accidental death and revenge.  Tamara is a mousy high school student with a crush on her teacher.  She also has a book of witchcraft in her house with which she tries to cast a love spell.  After she is accidentally killed during a horrible prank, she is buried in the woods.  What the kids don't know is that she has the page with the spell in her shirt and blood has been spilled which puts the magic spell to work.

When Tamara shows up the next day at school, she has transformed into the hot chick that every guy wants.   Immediately she targets the kids who buried her.  She immediately targets the kids who buried her and leave them afraid of who will be next.

The most ridiculous part of this is that the prank was taped so it is obvious the death was an accident.  The other stupid thing is they don't even call an ambulance for her.  They just bury her so that their future careers and college scholarships are not messed up.  Also the ending is unsatisfying and leaves the door open for a sequel.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Stray Cat Rock: Sex Hunter (1970)

Kazuma wanders into town to look for his long lost sister.  He befriends a female gang who decide to help him on his quest.  The Eagles, the male gang they hang out with, are very angry about Kazuma taking attention away from them and set out to make his life miserable.  The Eagles are also on a quest to rid the town of halfbreeds and teach the girls a lesson for helping Kazuma.

Sometimes the movie reminds me of The Girl in the Gold Boots.  It's got gangs, music, fashionable clothing, and a traveler who falls for a girl that someone else considers their woman.

The Capture of Bigfoot (1979)

Michelle convinced me to watch this movie again.  Damn you, Michelle!!  Oh Sweet Capture of Bigfoot, I saw you in April 2008 and here you are again darkening my tv screen.  The only new thing I can think to add is that there is a very funny scene with a flying dummy.

The Cruise (1998)

Timothy "Speed" Levitch is an eccentric tour bus guide in New York City.  He's the type of guy you'd probably shrink away from while you were trying to figure out how crazy he was, but gradually forget this judgement due to the plethora of odd information and anecdotes that he possesses.  In fact, he's the best type of tour guide - one who's really interested in what he's talking about and provides off beat information.

Sometimes I felt envious of how he's chosen to live life, and at other times I felt sorry for him.  He's an interesting person and the only time the film becomes a bit uncomfortable is near the end when he starts ranting about people he used to know.  Definitely worth seeing.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Return to Sleepaway Camp (2008)

This is the meanest camp ever.  The kids are mean, the counselors are mean, and the first scene in the dining hall will have you thinking this is a camp for children with behavioral issues.  But nope, it's just a bunch of jerky kids acting like jerks.

Alan, who is the target of disdain from everyone in camp except for one kind counselor, would be a sympathetic character if not for the fact that he is also mean to other kids.  There isn't one likable character in the entire movie.  There also isn't any character development. People just yell, humiliate each other, and act like jerks.  Oh wait, I didn't hate the kind hearted counselor, but she only showed up to spirit Alan away from his tormentors.

Also the first glimpse of the town sheriff prompts the question, why is the sheriff wearing a fake nose and have a non-masculine physique?  

Some of the actors from the original film appear, including Angela, Ricky, and counselor Ronnie.

Walking Tall: Lone Justice (2007)

In a movie that has nothing to do with Buford Pusser, small town former sheriff Nick moves to the big city to live with his DEA girlfriend and her young daughter.  When all the witnesses who are in protective custody are killed, the DEA agents who will testify are put in a safe house, which turns out not to be so safe when all but one of them are gunned down.

Nick hides out in the country town where he used to be the law and does his Hercules stuff while protecting his woman, her child, and his friends.  Sorbo is an okay action hero, but anyone looking for the real Walking Tall characters should rent the original.

Blood Song (1982)

Frankie Avalon is a psychotic killer who plays a wooden flute and escapes from a sanitarium.  Frankie was only a child when he saw his father kill his mother and then commit suicide.  The worst part is his father only taught him one song before he died, so Frankie plays the same thing over and over.  But good god, don't say anything about it unless you want to end up dead.

Crippled high school student Marion is having dreams in which she sees Frankie killing people.  After she runs across him in the woods burying a body, Frankie starts chasing her, but no one believes what she says due to her crazy dreams and the lack of a body.

Frankie's hair is always prefect and he looks the same as when he was in the beach movies twenty years earlier.

Mausoleum (1983)

12 year old Susan enters the family mausoleum after her mother's death and is possessed by a green eyed demon.  Twenty years later, married Susan starts killing people by doing bad things with her demon eyes.  And when she shows up naked, her little bitey demon boobs could gnaw a hole right through a man.

Susan offs her handyman, her maid, and another family member before her husband figures out there is something wrong with her.  

Susan's psychiatrist gets the award for the calmest man every.  When Susan changes into the demon during one of her sessions, he has no reaction.  When he finds Susan's husband with his rib cages ripped open, he has no reaction.  Strangely enough, a cat scare does make him jump.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Tiki (2006)

Amy, a shy and super dorky college student, is mercilessly tormented by a group of girls who used to be popular in high school.  After she wins the lead in their theater class production, they decide to send her a love note from the professor she has a crush on.  

After their trick humiliates Amy and they cruelly laugh in her face, Amy suffers a series of seizures and falls into a coma.  Amy's voodoo practicing Aunt comes to town with her Tiki doll and vows revenge on those who have done her wrong.  That's when the killing begins.

The Tiki appears to be handheld and wiggled in front of the camera while the sound of tiny feet is heard.  It's ridiculous, but it also makes the Tiki kind of cute which is probably not the best effect for a tiny killing machine.

Cryptz (2002)

The comedy falls flat in this story of buddies Tymez Skwair, Likrish, and Fuzzy Down, who end up in a vampire strip club and have to be rescued by their martial artist mentor Truck.  How many more movies are there going to be about vampire strip clubs?  The first time I heard that concept it was interesting, but it seems to be on it's way to becoming a cliche.  Perhaps it's time for strip clubs full of werewolves.

Raiders of the Damned (2005)

In the future, humans live underground due to a government virus which has turned people into zombies.  The zombies are contained behind a massive wall, which would seem to mount an argument that as long as they didn't venture beyond the wall everything would be fine.  But that would be too easy.

After a scientist and his assistant are kidnapped by zombies, crazy, sickly looking scientist Richard Grieco organizes a rescue mission for them, and then promptly disappears from the film.

The zombies are military men who can speak and think rationally.  Unfortunately their makeup is completely horrible, with lines where the latex appliances attach to their faces.  It is completely obvious that something is stuck on their faces and around their mouths it will remind you of a ventriloquist dummy.  

Low budget movies don't have to be this bad.