Friday, April 24, 2009

The Sacrifice (2005)

No budget movie made in New Hampshire which came with an insert full of corrections to the credits in the film - not a good sign.  This is bare bones movie making and it shows. There appears to be no ADR on the sound, which is often hard to hear due to ambient noise.

The story involves a goth teenager who moves to a small town and finds there is occult activity going on.  The acting is more of a community theater level and while I wanted to like this since it was filmed in New Hampshire, I couldn't bear to watch more than twenty minutes of it.

My Name Is Bruce (2008)

Bruce Campbell plays an actor named Bruce Campbell in this funny movie about a small town kid who awakens an ancient spirit named Guan Di, and kidnaps Bruce who he believes is the only one who can stop this monster.  Bruce believes the whole thing to be an elaborate prank and goes along with it until he sees Guan Di kill some townsfolk.  Then he runs away leaving the townsfolk to fend for themselves. After all he's only an actor, not the monster fighter they've seen in the movies.

Bruce Campbell fans will love this and those who are only slightly familiar with his work should still enjoy it as it's a decent satire.  I'd watch it again.

Death Tunnel (2005)

Oh death tunnel, why do you taunt me?  The movie's timeline is all over the place, causing much confusion. It is never clear whether this was done due to the movie's lack of cohesion, as an attempt to be artsy, or due to incompetence.  But what we're left with is another film that doesn't make sense and leaves too much unanswered.

Five college girls are kidnapped by a fraternity and dropped off in an old lunatic asylum.  The frat boys have put cameras and a control room in the old asylum so they can broadcast the girl's terror filled nightmare into the local bar where everyone can laugh at their fear.

The girl's are all wearing lingerie and high heels as they were grabbed at a bar having a pajama party. No I am not making that up.  There is some sort of countdown constantly going on during the film where over the loudspeaker you hear, "Five girls, five floors, five hours."  The countdown happens as the time ticks by and the girls die.

The insane asylum has a tunnel running under it where the dead were wheeled out during the plagues.  All the major characters in the film are dead ringers for the ghosts that inhabit the asylum and turn out to be their descendants.  

I can't even count all the nonsensical things that happen in this film.  As per usual, there has to be at least one girl who takes a shower in the abandoned, dirty, glass strewn, haunted asylum.  Also the lead male character tries to rescue one of the girls by climbing up the fire escape to the roof and jumping randomly right through the roof, which was hysterical. 

Killer Tomatoes Strike Back (1991)

Dr. Gangreen is using television to spread his evil message to the world and the Killer Tomatoes are helping him. The only people who realize there is a problem is Detective Lance Boyle and tomato scientist Kenndi Johnson.

The movie wants to be in the Airplane vein of humor, but the jokes aren't clever or funny enough. The best thing about the movie is John Astin as Dr. Gangreen. The worst thing is Rick Rockwell who mugs for the camera but just can't get the joke to go over.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Kinky Killers (2007)

Nothing makes sense and the characters have to explain the plot at the end.  There are lots of mentions of male anatomy and everyone has sex the same exact way.  None of the characters are likable.  Michael Pare's muscle tone is not what it used to be and Charles Durning shouldn't be in this mess.

Jenifer (2005)

When Detective Frank Spivey saves a disfigured young woman from being murdered, he finds himself inexplicably drawn to her and starts becoming obsessed with her.  Jenifer can not speak and has a horribly messed up face, but her body is perfect.  

His obsession makes him do really stupid things.  He moves her into his home as she has nowhere to go other than a mental hospital.  This upsets his wife and their son, especially after Jenifer eats their cat.  His family moves out, but Frank has becomes obsessed and sexually involved with Jenifer and she's all that matters anymore.  No matter who Jenifer kills, Frank is still under her spell. 

The biggest problem with the movie is that within the first five minutes of the film, you can predict exactly how it's going to end.

Blood Sucking Freaks (1978)

Master Sardu, a theater owner, has a show in which he tortures and kills women.  He is able to convince the crowd it is all a trick, and is waiting for a good review from a local critic named Creasy.  

When Creasy refuses to give him a good review, Sardu and his midget assistant Ralphus kidnaps Creasy and tortures him in an attempt to get a review that will make his show a hit.  When that fails, Sardu kidnaps ballerina Natasha, whose boyfriend is a star football player, so that she can provide recognition and class to his show.

Oddly enough there the only blood sucking that is done is by an insane doctor, who is promptly dispatched by the cage full of naked women who eat human flesh that Sardu keeps in his basement.

The acting is laughable and Sardu reminds me of an Eric Idle character.  The torturing women theme is disturbing.  While watching the film, I thought the director must hate women but then I learned that his funding came from an S&M theater group interested in making this type of film.  Ick.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Doctor Dracula (1980)

An Al Adamson film is kind of like a Ray Dennis Steckler film in that it won't make a lot of sense, will have questionable acting, and will leave you wondering what the hell he was thinking.  The main focus of the film is a professor whose mind has been taken over by a reincarnation of Svengali.  He is part of a devil cult run by John Carradine and they need to sacrifice some women to keep their powers or some such nonsense.  

Dracula is a psychiatrist who runs with the rich crowd that hangs out with Carradine, and also participated in the devil cult even though he didn't believe in it and was their nemesis.  

There is also a subplot about a girl whose mom was killed by Dracula. The girl claimed to know her mom had died violently even though she was found with a smile on her face.  I'm not sure how old the girl and mom were supposed to be because they appeared to be played by the same person.  It was really disconcerting.  Also when the mom vampire ghoul appeared she spoke in the same type of raspy voice kids use when they are trying to be scary.  In other words, she was not scary at all.

The best part was the end of the film when Dracula drained the devil cults sacrifice of blood, Carradine figured out there was a traitor in their midst, and Dracula's mind control proved more powerful than Svengali's or Carradines.  He had gone to the sacrifice with the girl whose mom had died to show her something, but I'm still confused as to what point he was trying to make.  

Drac  and the girl get into the car. All of a sudden the girl says she doesn't want to live in the same state her mom was living and pulls a detonator out of her purse.  Their car explodes in a huge ball of fire, and the words "The End" appear on the screen.  Seriously? Can you really blow up Dracula?  Because if that is a legitimate way to dispatch of vampires, then Van Helsing has been missing out.  Another strange Adamson film, but I give him points for going where no Dracula film has gone before.

Repo: The Genetic Opera (2008)

It's a musical/rock opera based in the dirty, seedy future where those who can not afford organ transplants get financing from Geneco.  However if you can't keep up the payments for your body parts, they repossess them.  An interesting concept, but the music was terrible and everyone sang EVERYTHING.  There is no dialogue - all singing.  They sang sentences, then they'd rhyme, then they'd go back to non-rhyming sentences. The repo guy has neato lights in his helmet making his eyes look as if they glow. Then Joan Jett appeared out of nowhere during a pseudo punk song in the girl's bedroom.  Yuck. 

Air Rage (2001)

When a marine officer convicted of war crimes hijacks a plane with a judge who presided at his trial, Ice-T and his team of commandos is sent in to rescue the passengers while in mid air.  Unfortunately the commandos turn out to be the most inept rescuers you can ever imagine, with three of the four getting killed almost immediately. Ice-T manages to survive but only with the help of a stewardess who is smarter and stealthier than all the commandos put together.  Ridiculous and laughable situations with no suspense which will leave you not caring whether everyone lives or dies.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Trailer Park of Terror (2008)

A group of troubled teens traveling with their pastor on the way to a religious camp crash into an abandoned tractor trailer truck.  After finding that no one's cell phone will work, the group heads off to the trailer park down the road.  

They are welcomed in by Norma, who gives them all a place to stay.  But what the group doesn't know is that the trailer park doesn't really exist since it was blown to bits years ago by Norma after the white trash park residents accidentally killed her date to the dance.  The teens on the Jesus bus, including the pastor, are all sinners who end up paying for their transgressions.  

The movie has really nice make up, especially for Norma.   There is a rocker who is always playing his guitar, but the music is a distraction and not very good.  Some of the scenes were disturbing and the story wasn't all that original.

Midnight Meat Train (2008)

Leon is a photographer who wants to move from taking photos for the papers to becoming a fine art photographer who portrays the city realistically. When his friend introduces him to an important local gallery owner, Susan,  who tells Leon that he has failed in his vision as his photos do not move the viewer or tell the real story that is lurking in the city.

After Leon photographs an attempted rape in a deserted subway at 2am, Susan is impressed and asks for a few more photos so she can include his work in a show.  Leon heads to the subway in the early morning hours and see's the man he comes to know as The Butcher exciting the subway station.  Leon follows him to take his photo, but lacks any sort of subtlety or stealth and ends up apologizing to the Butcher for following him.

Leon then makes a connection between the Butcher and the attempted rape victim who disappeared on the subway.  At this, Leon becomes obsessed with the Butcher, following him around the city.  He even goes so far as to follow him into the building where he works and photograph him while he is working. Leon becomes convinced that the Butcher is responsible for numerous disappearances on the subway, but can not find anyone to believe him.

What I found annoying about this film is Leon making horrible decisions regarding his photography.   He seems to think that the only way to truly capture the city is to go out in the city at 2am.  Why is that any more real than the things that happen during the day time?  In fact, going out at that time makes it more likely that Leon will be a victim of crime.  He's taking photos of dangerous people and is not very subtle about it.  He goes into the Butcher's workplace and takes photos - how can he think this guy won't notice?  

The Incredible Hulk (2007)

Bruce Banner is on the run after the government decides that whatever makes him the hulk would be a great thing to use as far as giving them military superiority over other countries.  In their quest to catch Bruce, they use serum to create a beast of their own from a willing soldier.

I don't really like big budge movies, but this one has nice cgi (especially compared with the crap in the low budget drivel I usually watch).  Also I was told that this dvd was much tighter and less boring than the theatrical release which featured way too much Liv Tyler crying scenes.