Friday, January 30, 2009

Monster in the Closet (1986)

A monster is invading closets around the country, killing indiscriminately.  A new reporter who looks like Clark Kent, goes to investigate the story, hoping for a big break.  John Carradine plays a blind man who mistreats his dog and gets pulled into a closet as the dog watches.  

The military wants to kill it and a scientist wants to communicate with it.  Silly scientist... don't you know monsters can kill you?

But ultimately, the viewer is left with unanswered questions:  where did the monster come from; how did he get into the closet; what did he want;  and why did he carry Clark Kent around?

Sharp Teeth (2006)

Just one look at the cover tells you what is in store for you. We had such a bad experience with Marina Monster, that as soon as we saw the very distinctive face of one of it's actors,  realized this was made by the same people, and felt the sting of the same scriptwriting, we shut it off. 

Prince of Darkness (1987)

A group of scientists and graduate students descend upon an abandoned church which houses a massive container of swirling green liquid in the basement.  Donald Pleasance is the priest who sets this in motion and is concerned about the evil that lurks in the container.

The liquid drips up onto the ceiling and then blasts into a students mouth, turning her into some sort of evil being.  As members of the group are picked off one by one, there is a gathering of homeless people outside lead by a pasty faced Alice Cooper.

The movie is dialogue based and tension driven rather than going for blood and guts.   Some interesting effects, including a man being consumed by beetles and the portal to hell behind a mirror.

Shrooms (2007)

A group of so-called sexy college students head to Ireland to take mushrooms.  As they split up and head into the woods to look for shrooms, their local friend neglects to mention that the one thing you don't want to do is eat the death's head mushroom.  Normally it will kill you ,but if you're lucky you will simply have mind melting hallucinations and be unable to control your neurological system.  Oh joy.

Before you know it one of the girls is convulsing after consuming a death's head.  After getting her back to camp, the group sits around listening to the story of the insane asylum nearby and the possibility of evil ghosts haunting the woods. 

Later that night it seems as if something in after them.  Is it the evil spirits from the asylum or the two inbred, creepy, drooling hillbillies that live nearby.  Another film with a twist ending that is fairly predictable, and though there are some creepy scenes, ultimately it will leave you unsatisfied.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Spirit Trap (2005)

Boring movie about boring students who move into a huge old boring house, break out a ouija board, call up spirits and lull us into not caring about any of them.  I couldn't even make it through this clunker.  

Graduation Day (1981)

After a senior girl dies during a track meet, someone targets the rest of the high school track team.  While they are supposed to be teenagers, the kids are definitely in their twenties.  Decent early 80s slasher with a twist ending.

Microwave Massacre (1983)

A slow talking, middle-aged construction worker gets sick of his wife and her obsessive culinary experimentation.  Longing for a simple sandwich, he murders his wife one night while drunk and throws her into the largest home microwave known to man.

After he realizes what he's done, he hides her body in the freezer which is stocked full of foil wrapped meals.  After accidentally eating his wife's arm, he develops a taste for flesh which he satisfies with a series of streetwalkers.  

A bizarre movie with bad acting and a leading man who you wish would speak faster.

April Fool's Day (1986)

A group of college students goes to a friend's summer home on an isolated island. Three of the guys play a practical joke which results in a serious injury for one of the workers on the boat.  Shortly after this people start disappearing and bodies start showing up.   Good 1980s slasher with a twist ending.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Dark Power (1985)

College students move into the home of a recently deceased Native American - his stuff is still in there.  Unbeknownst to them, there are also four Toltecs buried in the corners of the yard.  The Toltecs come to life on a day of evil and attack the students living in the house.

The only hope for salvation is our local sheriff played by  Lash LaRue, an old time western star known for his skills with a whip.  While it's certainly a unique skill and he knows how to wield the whip, there isn't anything exciting about a whip fight between an old sheriff and a Toltec.

Lake Placid 2 (2007)

Sheriff John Schneider's son comes to visit for the summer and immediately falls in with some local kids who look way to old to even be in college.  A big game hunter comes to town, ignores all the Sheriff's warnings, and we know the giant crocodile will soon have dinner.

When they camp on the lake shore, the seaplane they parked at the dock is no longer there.  Oh continuity.....

Voodoo Tailz (2002)

Three college students head to New Orleans during college break and end up being pursued by a voodoo cult.  The girls choose to drive from California to New Orleans - a stupid, time consuming move -  as the film is padded with slow pans across a map.   Ridiculously enough, when one's boyfriend follows later on, he too drives instead of flying.

When they get to New Orleans, the hotel room they reserved has been given away so they end up in this sketchy rooming house with a creepy manager.  They head to a voodoo museum and steal one of the items on display.  Yes, always good to steal a souvenir from people who practice voodoo.

Then the killing starts and things get even stupider. 

Friday, January 9, 2009

Witchcraft 7: Judgement Hour (1995)

A vampire, with fake teeth that look as if they might fall out at any minute, bites women willing to get naked at fancy parties.   A recently deceased vampire escapes from the hospital morgue, runs through the streets in a paper johnny while her butt hangs out, and has no trouble finding a victim by targeting a jogger.  It's all bad fangs and boobs.   I couldn't even watch it. 

Shadow Warrior (1996)

Crappy movie where things don't make sense, cyborgs go berzerk and start killing everyone.  Computer chips are planted in dead people but of course something goes wrong with their brains.  Mikhail goes nutzoid and can only be stopped by another cyborg who still has random memories of his family. 

Pink Angels (1971)

Pink Angels is a comedy about a gang of gay bikers heading to a drag queen dance.  They act tough when other people are around, terrorizing employees at a hotdog stand.  But when no one is around, they mince about and have picnics.

The group runs into another biker gang and there are long scenes of partying, topless girls, and Dan Haggarty.   There is also a subplot about a military bigwig and the light hearted film ends in an Easy Rider vein, which comes out of nowhere.  

Friday, January 2, 2009

Killing Spree (1987)

The incredibly named Asbestos Felt stars as Tom Russo, a man with trust issues who believes his wife is cheating on him after reading what appears to be her diary. 

Tom is so afraid that she'll cheat on him that he doesn't want her working even after he gets a 40% paycut at work.  He even kicks his best friend out of the house during a dinner party after imagining his friend and wife getting intimate on the kitchen table, (in a truly bizarre and icky scene unlike anything you've ever witnessed).

Every night Tom comes home, and red light bathes the room as he opens the diary.  As he reads day after day of her exploits with the workmen that come to the house, Tom understandably shouts, "why is she writing this down?!"

After the reason is revealed, the film shifts gears and all the people Tom has killed come back to life (huh?!?) and want revenge.  Truly bizarre and awesome film.

Not the best acting you'll ever see, and there is an inexplicable scene of Abestos vacuuming while wearing disturbingly small bikini underwear.   But I really enjoyed this movie and would watch it again.

Severed: Forest of the Dead (2005)

A logger who suffers a chainsaw accident turns into a zombie when experimental tree sap gets into his wound.   When no one can get in touch with the logging camp, the owner's son is sent into the woods where he finds zombies are running amuck and a small group of loggers and environmentalists are holed up in a small shack.

There is some very nice cinematography and lighting in the film, with a decent story line.  The characters are typical for this type of story.  As usual the rule should be when the weasel wants your help, don't do it.  

Pretty good film until the end, which was disappointing.

Modern Vampires (1998)

Van Helsing seeks revenge against modern vampires in Los Angeles.  These are hip vampires who hang out in vampire clubs, except for the dirty nasty girl nicknamed Slasher who pretends to be a prostitute to pick up her victims.

Not that great a film, but I did get a kick out of the bad fangs which made the vampires lisp. There's nothing like a vampire getting spiked through the heart while lisping, "Sthee you in hell!"