Saturday, February 23, 2008

For Safety's Sake (1986)

Gary Coleman works at Safety Central, which appears to be some sort of strange place where he punches buttons, uses a computer to watch kids do dangerous things and then reprimand them.

His targets are Jack and Jill Example, who must be cursed since during the film they manage to be stalked by a pervert, escape a fire, choke on food, and suffer various injuries from doing stupid things. Gary, along with his guest experts, admonishes the kids to stay calm, keep cool, and think.

One of the better sketches is the man who tries to get Jack to open the door by using various excuses, like signing for a package, needing to use the bathroom, and needing to talk to his mom. Jack contemplates letting the creep in, but eventually locks the door and calls a neighbor. In the credits the man is credited as "Letch" so it's a good thing Jack didn't let him in.

Harley Davison and the Marlboro Man (1991)

Harley and Marlboro come up with a great idea to save their friend's bar. They'll rob a bank and use the money to pay the outrageous fee for a five year lease.

Unfortunately they target the wrong Brinks truck and end up with a haul of crystal dream, the newest drug of choice, but whose name keeps reminding me of the drink powder, Crystal Light. As soon as the drugs are stolen, the enforcers show up wearing floor length bullet proof pleather coats which are supposed to make them look intimidating but instead make them look sort of stupid. The lead enforcer is played by Daniel Baldwin.

For some reason Mickey Rourke kept reminding me of Corey Haim, which is not at all a good thing.

Species: The Awakening (2007)

A slimy, naked, alien with a head like a pixie hat kills a bunch of people in a hospital, and then morphs back into her human form, which is a beautiful young woman named Miranda. Her Uncle Tom - whose name can't help but make you laugh - whisks her off to Mexico to search for his former scientist partner, Forbes, who might be able to save niece Miranda as she is the alien seed of their previous experiments.

Yeah that's about as good as it gets. Forbes has let his failed experiments run around the town as they will eventually die. Good move there. His success story walks around town dressed like a nun and sometimes morphing into an alien killing machine.

Forbes tells Uncle Tom that Miranda is at the end of her life span and the only way to keep her alive is to give her blood. So Uncle Tom goes hunting for someone to kill. Yup. It might sound exciting, but it's really not.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

When Evil Calls (2006)

When an unpopular high school girl wishes for popularity, a clown shows up in her bedroom and hands her a cell phone with a text message saying she's won a wish. The only stipulation is that she has to pass the message on to two friends.

The next day she is the most popular girl in school. However when others get the message, their wishes turn out badly as only the original wishmaker truly gets their wish. A fat kid wishes to be skinny and is flattened by a bus. An unattractive girl wants to be prettier than the beautiful girl in her class, and the pretty girl immediately gets acid accidentally thrown in her face. Oh evil clown, why do you taunt us so?

Two detectives start investigating the bizarre deaths, although the headmaster doesn't seem to think there is anything odd about many of his students dying.

Each wish segment isn't more than five minutes long and is only tied together by a drunken, raving, filthy janitor narrator who makes bad jokes about the upcoming story.

It doesn't even seem like a movie. And then you realize that it's not. They just took these short films made to be seen on cell phones and tied them all together with the narrator and realeased it as a film. Now that takes a lot of nerve.

It also means you have to put up with seeing that one stupid text message about the wish over and over and over again. Absolutely horrible.

See No Evil (2006)

Co-ed college aged convicts are assigned to clean up an old hotel and in return for three days work, have a month taken off their sentence. The hotel is over eight stories high, so I'm not sure why this task would ever be assigned to around eight convicts with no real supervision.

The group randomly split up and roam around the building, which is going to be converted into a homeless shelter. A couple of the guys have blueprints of the hotel in hopes of finding an old safe which is supposed to house lots of money. But when they stumble across a hobos corpse, one runs away right into the grappling hook of serial killer Jacob Goodnight, who likes to remove the eyes from his victim's heads.

I'm not sure if the young prisoners are supposed to be completely unlikable or if teenagers are supposed to think they're cool because they're total jerks who constantly sass authority figures.

When people start disappearing, one of the characters asks if there is anyone else in the building and is told that they did a sweep of the building before the kids arrived to clean out all the homeless people. Too bad they didn't also make it a priority to clean out the hobo corpses because I find that creepier than living, breathing hobos.

The movie has a million plot holes and the entire premise of prisoners, who wear street clothes, have backpacks, aren't shackled in anyway, are allowed to roam a huge hotel without guards or tracking devices, is completely idiotic.

Wrong Turn 2: Dead End (2007)

A reality tv show ventures into the hillbilly infested hills to film a Survivor type show. When one of the contestants doesn't show up - having already been dispatched by the inbred hicks during an amazing opening sequence - the producer is called upon to take her place on the show. Henry Rollins is the fatigue clad host of the show and turns out to be one of the more likable characters.

As usual when you put people in the middle of the woods fifty miles from civilization, they turn into complete idiots when faced with hillbilly killers chasing them. The group traipses into a cabin in the middle of nowhere, no phone lines going to it, in an attempt to make a call, never once guessing that it might be inhabited by the very people chasing them.

Also it is never a good idea to hide in the old abandoned mill in hillbilly country, or to run through the woods so as not to be seen on the road. You idiots, these people know the woods like the back of their hands, and the woods are full of bear traps and death of all shapes and sizes. But let's stick to the woods while we try to escape hillbilly death. Basically it's the same movie as Wrong Turn.

Bloodmonkey (2007)

A group of college students go into the African jungle with F. Murray Abraham, a professor who has discovered a previously unknown valley which hold a new breed of primate that has aptly been named a Bloodmonkey. The creature sees in orangey bloodmonkey vision and tears anything that is human limb from limb in a matter of seconds. Hurrah for this new discovery!

The six students believe they will be assisting in base camp, but find themselves going down into the jungle where there are tents set up in this so-called undiscovered land. The group are not as suspicious as they should be, which is unfortunate since the first night there one of their group disappears.

One girl is documenting the trip on video for her college course, which begs the question how she is going to charge her camcorder in the middle of the jungle?

There is not so much Bloodmonkey in the film, but there is a scene in which the characters talk about how heavy the rain is that is hitting the tents while outside you see streams of water which appear to be coming from hoses. Horribly enough it is supposed to be Bloodmonkey's pissing on their tents, which one student claims is common for animals to do when marking their food. What? I've never heard of any animal who pisses on what it is going to eat. Maybe to mark their territory, but not their food. Stupid college kids.

Lobsteroids (1989)

Ultra low budget movie made in Portland, Maine about a mad scientist, his daughter, and giant lobsters on the loose. The film has tons of footage of local bands, with just a few of the more interesting being The Kopterz, The Wild Hearts, Bebe Buell and the Gargoyles, and the Brood.

The best band death scene is probably The Brood's which takes place during a beach party. What more could you ask for than a giant lobster claw taking out the drummer? Nothing, I tell you! Not one thing!

The Breed

One silly cover for one silly premise of a killer dog movie. Brothers John and Matt inherit their uncles home on a private island and decided to fly in with some friends and spend the weekend. The other side of the island used to be rented to a dog training school, which was rumored to be doing genetic engineering.

When an adorable puppy tromps out of the underbrush, the gang adopts him. Later that night when the dog runs out the door, two of the group head out to find him and instead encounter a snarling adult dog who promptly takes a bite out of one of the girls.

When the issue of treating the dog bite and the possibility of rabies comes up, John says he doesn't want to ruin their weekend by flying back to the mainland and suggests Sara can have the bite treated after the weekend. Showing what horribly crappy friends they are, everyone agrees to wait until their planned departure time so that they can spend the weekend partying.

If only they had been decent friends they would have been off the island before the dogs started watching their every move, destroyed their plane, and decided they all must die.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Dragon Wars (2007)

Reporter Ethan is obsessed with Sarah. Coincidentally both are the main players in the dragon battle of good and evil which is waged every five hundred years and Sarah has an orb inside her.

While that might sound in good in theory, the movie is totally forgettable and mostly void of dragons.