Friday, February 9, 2007

Tales From the Grave (2003)

Four tales of horror intercut with shadowy host segments featuring a second rate Cryptkeeper host, who spends the entire time in the shadow and with it's mouth out of sync with the words. The horror segments are shot on video, and sometimes the sun is so bright that any hope for a creepy atmosphere is dashed.

"Crazy Gunderman"
The town lunatic, hermit, and reputed warlock, Old Man Gunderson - white makeup in his hair, beard, and some smeared on his face - is rumored to curse anyone who messes with him, but that doesn't stop a stupid jock from beaning him in the back of the head with a basketball. After cursing the boy with nonsense chants and making it impossible for him to breathe, Gunderson wanders off muttering.

Todd tells his friend Mike - a horrible artist who appears to have let his grandmother decorate his apartment - how scary it was. This prompts Mike to declare that if they scare crazy Gunderman they will be famous. They go into the woods, find Gunderman's tent, and burst in on him during a satanic ritual. Oh crazy Gunderman, what will you do next?

Watch as Gunderman, who resembles Charles Manson, terrorizes the boys and makes every path in the woods lead back to his tent. Stare in disbelief as Todd ties Mike to a tree to keep him from sleepwalking. Look in jaw gaping confusion as crazy old man Gunderman's mind control makes Todd look like he's doing a bad 1950s dance. Isn't that scary, kids? Isn't it?!??!

"Hercaylac"
How this movie got Joe Estevez is a puzzler that will haunt you for the entire story. Estevez is writer Vinnie who decides to rent a cabin to keep from going crazy. But from his actions, it seems to be far too late for that. Most of this segment is Vinnie's rantings and ravings. Of particular interest are Vinnie throwing a typewriter through a window, and the hysterical lemon/pipe cleaner spider that jumps at Vinnie's neck!

"Lab Rats"
A man wakes up in a straight jacket in a white room. He has no idea where he is and does not know his name. Eventually he starts walking around the maze of white halls, sees lots of blood, and a partially dismembered-but still living - man. What is going on? What is it? Unfortunately, this tale is predictable and you'll know what the ending is before it's offered.

"The Billywack"
Legend has it that out in these here woods, there is a creature called the Billywack. This is unfortunate as a young couple picks this woody spot to do some late night parking, and damned if they don't park right in the Billywack's spot. What is a billywack, you ask? Damned if I know, but it appears to be covered in faux fur that was used in the 1970s to make those big furry rugs shaped like feet. Another story of legends come to life and the stupid kids that get in it's way.

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