Thursday, October 19, 2017
One night he comes home drunk. When he gets in a fight with May about her cooking, he kills her and stuffs her in the biggest microwave known to man. The next morning when he realizes what he's done, he hacks her up, wraps her in foil, and throws her in the fridge, which is already filled with foil wrapped food.
When Donald accidentally eats May's arm, he decides it's better than what he's been eating. He shares a sandwich with some friends at work, and they tell him it's tasty but seems a bit old. So Donald starts praying on young women in the area to get tender flesh.
The lead actor is comedian Jackie Vernon, who is probably best known as the voice of Frosty the Snowman, and is essentially a low rent Jackie Mason. The movie is filled with bad jokes that you'd expect to hear in vaudeville of 1950s movies, and parts of the film seem as if you're watching Jackie do a monologue, complete with supposedly comedic inflections. There are a couple of sex scenes with topless woman and a fully clothed Jackie writhing on top of them. No one wants to see that.
Sunday, October 15, 2017
Sara refuses to believe that Jess would kill herself, plus her spider sense tells her that Jess is still alive. She decides to go to the forest, even though locals warn her it is a dangerous place and if she goes, then she must not leave the path. It is said ghosts haunt the forest and target those who are sad. Also it's easy to get lost because there's such a tangle of brush.
Stopping in to a bar for a drink, she meets Aiden, a reporter. He is planning to go into the forest with his friend Michi, a forest guide who does sweeps for bodies. Aiden says he'll take her along, if he can write her story.
They traipse into the woods and Michi leads them off the path to look for bodies. When they find her sisters tent, it is late in the day. A tent in the forest casts doubt on whether the person intended to kill themselves. Michi tells them they must go back, but Sara refuses to leave. Aiden is torn between safety and leaving Sara alone, but stupidly decides to stay with Sara. Hilarity ensues. No wait, not hilarity, horror. Yes, pure horror because they did not heed the warning of staying on the path. Always stay on the path and always heed the warning of a stranger who says don't go into the woods. Stupid girl.
Saturday, October 14, 2017
Tanya's sister disappeared after the suicide, and the police suspect she ran away. But Tanya is convinced something happened to her sister. She has terrible nightmares and being around these jerks isn't helping since they want to make her pay for her sisters accusation.
Aaaaand lots of people die, there's a vengeful spirit and sadly enough you may fall asleep because it's not very interesting.
Friday, October 13, 2017
The counselors drive the kids up to the woods for some sort of bonding experience to try to get them on the right path. It's not really clear why most of the teens are enrolled as they don't seem particularly troubled.
Panic is street smart but friendly to the adults. Tyler has nightmares from being lost in the woods as a child. Dee Dee is a spoiled rich girl. Her boyfriend Rome just appears to be along for the ride, and to get a little more ethnic diversity in the film. Kelly doesn't speak to people, and the last girl is the counselors daughter. She seems more troubled than any of the others, but is only there because she's got nowhere else to stay.
When they stop for supplies, the group runs into a couple of creepy guys at the general store. Later the same two guys wander up to their campsite to ask questions. Oh that's not good. You don't want the creepy guys knowing where you sleep at night. And in horror movies there is no such thing as a coincidence so watch out!
But the creepy guys not the worst of their problems since the woods are full of mutated killer ticks and they aren't discriminating in who they attack. The most interesting part of the movie is that one of the kids is played by Seth Green.
Worst line of dialogue:
"They call me Panic - because I never do."
Thursday, October 12, 2017
On the wall are large copies of their yearbook photos stating what they were voted most likely to do. Oddly enough, everyone in the graduating class was named Most Likely something. Not sure if that's something schools actually do now. When I was in school, there were specific categories for senior superlatives and a different section of the yearbook for those who won.
The group sits around talking about their successes or analyzing their own faults. None are that interesting. One guy is a famous actor who brings his model girlfriend, which makes things very awkward since one of the others is his high school ex still nursing a broken heart. Yikes! She still isn't over it, and doesn't trust anyone. You see, that's why she's bad at poker. Yes, really. She's a poker player but manages to blows every good hand due to the trauma of being dumped in high school.
Talk turns to their time on the yearbook staff which leads to how they took the senior photo of one of the school losers, scratched out his eyes and mouth, wrote die on his forehead, and gave him the title Most Likely to Die. Oh it was so hilarious - until one of them managed to slip it into the final proof and it got printed in the yearbook. They never intended for it to be printed, but hey those were good times, right? Right?
The group parties it up while the creepy caretaker watches. Old creepy graduated with them and the rich hockey player who they're visiting gave him a this job. Um kind of weird, but okay. Is it any weirder than inviting your high school friends to a party at your house, and not inviting the guy from high school that lives in your house as a caretaker?
When the killings start, their first thought is it's old creepy. caretaker guy. Each time someone dies, a read X marks the yearbook photo on the wall, and their death is in a manner corresponding to their Most Likely To quote in the yearbook. And there you have it. It's a fairly typical slasher with unsympathetic characters.
Monday, October 24, 2016
Sarah is a struggling young actress who works as a waitress at Big Taters while trying to make it in Hollywood. Her roommate and friends are actresses, actors and filmmakers all looking for their big break. They're more friends of convenience than real friends since they can't keep her secrets, and one girl constantly makes passive aggressive comments meant to undermine her self esteem.
When Sarah gets an audition for a movie at a well known studio, her friends are jealous. But the audition doesn't go well and Sarah ends up in the bathroom screaming and tearing her hair out. One of the casting directors catches Sarah in mid fit, and asks her to repeat this in the auction room. Sarah does but leaves feeling confused since they seem just as unimpressed as when she did her reading.
When Sarah gets a call back and is then invited to meet the producer, she is thrilled. They tell her this is a gateway role. She'll be the star and her face will appear on all the posters. But there's a catch and it involves the casting couch. Sarah is horrified and bolts.
But later that night as she hangs out with her crappy friends, she begins to rethink her decision She's selling her soul working at dead end jobs, so what's the difference between that and selling herself for the stardom she wants? Oh poor misguided, delusional, mentally fragile Sarah. This isn't going to end well.
Sarah's transformation, or disintegration, is pretty gross. While she's a fragile character, she's too messed up to be sympathetic. At times you feel bad for her, but she's willing to do anything to get what she wants.
Sunday, September 25, 2016
Nicholas Cage - looking like the lead singer of Nickelback - is Milton, a man who's escaped from hell in a souped up muscle car. He's come back to Earth to avenge the death of his daughter at the hands of a satan worshipping cult, and rescue his granddaughter before the cult can sacrifice her.
Milton teams up with Piper after he saves her from her abusive boyfriend. Piper isn't your normal helpless female, although she appears young and helpless. She drives muscle cars and isn't afraid to throw punches or shoot cops, if needed.
The two are tracking Jonah King, leader of the cult. On their tail are the police and the Accountant, who plans on bringing Milton back to hell.
This is one weird messed up movie. In one scene Cage has a gun battle and dives about the room while having sex with a waitress. The Accountant has the most amusing scenes and Fitchner gives the best performance in the film. Also watch for Tom Atkins as the Sheriff as it's always good to see him show up.
Sunday, September 11, 2016
The majority of the movie is the two main characters driving around, talking to each other, and occasionally shooting zombies. Only two characters don't come off as total jerks, and overall the movie isn't that interesting.
Sunday, August 28, 2016
Seagal is Alexander, a bloated pufferfish with a jet black goatee and synthetic hair crafted into a questionable widows peak. Alexander is former Special Ops living in a low rent part of a European city where the Russian mob is prevalent. He meets his neighbors - a twenty something woman and a child - when they get locked out of their apartment. Since he's a handyman, he can help them get in. Let the bonding begin.
His neighbors brother Sasha is trying to pay off their fathers debt to the Russian mob. The debt puts the whole family in danger, which is not okay with Seagal since he's a sensitive guy who cares about their well being. See? He's a multifaceted hitman.
After the plot set up, the next hour will be full of Seagal mumbling and walking slowly towards people who've threatened him. People who are saying things like, "it's none of your business old man" because they have no idea that this old jowel-y handyman is going to make them wish they'd never been born.
I'm guessing the opening dialogue, which consists of Seagal using the word fuck in every sentence, may be trying to convey he's a tough guy since he can't really do physical work anymore. The fight scenes consist of Seagal twisting someones arm, causing them to cascade through the air in multiple spins. Between the quick cuts and the stuntmen's talent, there are some passable action scenes. Oh, I forgot Sasha is still young enough to pick up the slack so we do have some okay fights in the film.
Occasionally there appears to sometimes be someone else dubbing Seagals dialogue, which isn't totally a surprise once you've noticed it in some of his other films. Also watch for the scene where we discover that the Russian mob doesn't know how backpacks work. They don't realize these bags have more than one pocket.
Well I'm sorry to hear that because now I'll snatch every motherfucker birthday.
(There was a debate on whether he was mumbling snatch or smash. I like smash better.)
Monday, August 15, 2016
After locating the survivors, an annoying reporter trapped with the VP tries to show the Seals footage of what actually happened, but they blow her off. They may want to be more open minded since they have no idea what made the VP and secret service scamper into a hiding place like frightened children.
They call for the chopper to evacuate the VP and are told that anyone who has been bitten is not allowed to leave. No one shall ask why the Seals don't check any of the survivors for bites before allowing them on the copter - especially those who are mysteriously ill and can't walk without help.
Now you'd think that Seals would be leaving with the others, but instead they are told they have a second mission. Go across town and collect a scientist who may (or may not) be the key to curing the zombie outbreak.
The annoying reporter and her cameraman refuse to leave because they want the story. So the Seals agree to watch out for them. This is a terrible idea. It's not their job to babysit pesky reporters and this extra burden could jeopardize their mission. And what the hell is Michael Dudikoff doing in this film? I expect better from the American Ninja.
The best thing about this movie is that it was $2.99 to buy it, but $3.99 to rent it. So... if I have don't keep it, you'll charge me more? Hilarious! This prompted a debate on whether it was worth saving a dollar if you have no interest in owning the movie. It was 2 against 1 to save the dollar and purchase the damn thing.
|screenshot of the options for rent and purchase|
|closer shot of prices showing it's cheaper to buy than rent|